jokes for yer big brain

Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.

I asked: “What are you doing?”

He said: “Working from home.”

 

A joke originally credited to Gomez Addams.

Q: What’s the penalty for bigamy in this state?
A: Two wives.

 

Recalling some hilarious outtakes from the Tonight Show in the 1960's hosted by Johnny Carson.

One evening Johnny had Zaza Gabor on the show and she came out with a long haired Persian cat which she sat in her lap:

Johnny: "And what's this you brought with you?"

Zaza: "It's my *****, Johnny."

Johnny: "Oh...really?"

Zaza: "Yes, she's very expensive, and it costs a lot for her upkeep. Johnny, would you like to pet my *****?"

Johnny: "Uh, sure!....Move the cat."
After a commercial break, Zaza and the cat were gone.

Another time, he hosted Arnold Palmer's wife. The conversation went like this:

Johnny: "So Arnie plays in a lot of tournaments and is on the road a lot."

Ms. Palmer: "Yes, he travels a lot to the tournaments."

Johnny: "I bet. You know, I've had other pro athlete's wives on the program and I always like to ask if before their husband plays a game or a tournament, is there anything special you do for them before they leave or play. you know for good luck. So. is their something special you do for Arnie before a tournament?"

Ms. Palmer: "Well...yes. There is something I do before he leaves for a tournament."

Johnny: "And what would that be?"

Ms. Palmer: "Well he likes for me to kiss his balls."

Johnny: Eyes wide open looks carefully around then says, "Really!?"

Ms. Palmer: "Yes! Before every tournament."

Johnny: "Well, I bet that makes his putter stand up!"
After the commercial break, she was gone too. Rumor had it that both women filed law suits against him.

 

After many years of observation and experience I have determined that a woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. On the other hand, a man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

 

Three prisoners were locked in a cell. When the largest of them finished his food, he immediately ate the others. Too bad. An apostrophe in the right place might have prevented a horrible crime.

 

As legend has it, in the 1820s there was a company in the New England area named the Tates Manufacturing Company. They produced watches - and their watches were superb, the Rolex of their era. Their watches were attractively finished, durable, low maintenance, and most of all, dead accurate. If you had a Tates watch, you had arrived.
As time passed, the company diversified in order to increase sales and profits. They made accessories for their watches - fobs, cases, chains and the like.
A couple of their young engineers approached the Board once with an idea - "The country is expanding westward, and pioneers need compasses to direct them; the technology for producing compasses is similar to that for producing watches." The Board agreed, and Tates started producing compasses - and that was their downfall.
As good as the watches were, their compasses were terrible. They were fragile, difficult to adjust and maintain. Even worse - they were inaccurate. Set two Tates compasses 100 yards apart, and they would differ in pointing to North by 45 degrees. The compasses were totally useless for navigation.
Now you know the origin of the famous statement - "He who has a Tates is lost."

 

groan and

 

Very true ... until they got taller than me and began eating everything in the kitchen!

 

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

 

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

Many years ago, there was a king in a tribal kingdom in primitive Africa. So primitive were their ways that all construction in the fiefdom was thatched grass on branches. The king even had a two-story palace built entirely of thatch. He reigned on a massive hand-carved mahogany throne, which was a tribal heirloom.

One day, a neighboring kingdom sent a delegation to negotiate a non-aggression treaty. As a peace offering, they brought a massive gold-plated throne. The king graciously accepted the gift, and recognizing the need to display it as a gesture of goodwill, instructed his aides to remove the mahogany throne and replace it with the gold-plated throne. Sensitive to the need to preserve the tribal heritage, the king also directed his aides to store the tribal throne in a safe, secure place in the palace. The aides investigated and reported back that there was no acceptable place to store the tribal throne. The king asked about using the attic space directly above the throne room. The aides expressed concerns about the capability of the thatched floor to support the weight of the massive throne, but the king ordered them to put the throne in the attic space, and they reluctantly obeyed.

A few days later, as the king was sitting on the golden throne, the attic floor directly above him creaked once and collapsed, letting the mahogany throne drop directly onto the king, killing him instantly.

The moral of the story is clear - people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

Groan
But

 

Reminds me of the man who was swallowed alive by a whale, so he just exercised constantly inside the whale's stomach until he got pooped out.

 

Bigger groan
But

 

A King sent out an edict that all his noblemen should swear allegiance to his name and pay him a tribute in gold pieces every year on pain of death. Many Dukes and Barons agreed and handed over the gold pieces directly, for he was known to be a ruthless and terrible ruler. But there was one Count, although he was happy to swear his allegiance, steadfastly refused to pay the tribute. The King was troubled as to what to do, for he was very fond of this particular Count, so he threw him into jail, telling him he had a week to change his mind before he would be executed.

At the end of a week, the King asked the Count if he would pay the money now rather than lose his life, but the Count said no - he would rather die. "Very well", said the King, “you shall be beheaded at dawn tomorrow.”

Dawn came, and the Count was taken to the castle roof, where a chopping block was in place and a tall executioner in a black robe was standing waiting with a large axe. Once again the King spoke to the Count: "This is your last chance - will you pay me?" "No, never!", he replied. At this the King gave the signal to the executioner. The Count laid down with his neck on the block, and the executioner stood beside him and raised up his mighty axe. Just as he started his swing, the Count let out a mighty cry: "Stop! I'll pay!" But it was too late - the axe fell and his head was sliced off and fell to the ground in a pool of blood. The moral of the story is, of course, clear:

You should never hatchet your Counts until they've chickened!

 

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used this tool to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?" "No,” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?" "No,” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool." Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?" "Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I have seen your four point tool." "Well, where is it?" inquired the chimp. "I ate it," said the jaguar, smugly. "Why would you do that?" cried the chimp. "Because," replied the big cat, "I am a four point tool eater Jaguar!"

 

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies.
One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint.
As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned.

 

Johnny Depp took his private ship out for a dinner cruise off the coast of California with a number of his biggest fans on board. One fan was late and left behind. Against the warnings and protests of the marina's security personnel, he dove off the pier and swam toward the ship. As he neared the vessel, it turned, running over the fan killing him. Authorities investigating the matter have said no criminal charges would be filed since it was merely another example of the ship hitting the fan.

 

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied a lion asleep in his path. Afraid to wake him, he gingerly stepped over the lion. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across the staid lion for immortal porpoises.

 

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

 

The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest advisor.

"Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time. We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted and I have little hope."

"Fear not, my King" said Merlin. "I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!"

"Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you've lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character... It cannot be done" said Arthur.

"Trust me, my King" said Merlin. "I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant."

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger -- their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day, as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit.

 

An Englishman and a citizen of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. Becoming suspicious, they killed the two bears. They cut open the stomach of the she-bear, and found the Englishman. The leader of the party then observed, "You all know what this means -- the Czech is in the male."

 

HHD
I admit the Merlin joke pulled me in
And I admit I had to resist skipping to the punch line
Well done

 

Why don't blind people like to skydive?

It's scares the heck out of the dog.

 

Athletic department announced that Bevo will be on the field this season regardless of the COVID situation.

Why? Bevo is steerile.

 

A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned. The clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man except that it spoke nothing but extremely profane language. After several months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff. Looking around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff. Just then, a cop stepped out from behind some bushes and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket." "What for?" "For making an obscene clone fall."

 

There were a brother and sister who worked for the CIA during the Cold War. Their names were Dwayne and Amber, and they were stationed in Paris. Their job was to sniff out Soviet spies so that the networks could be neutralized. Because Paris is famous for its great number and variety of restaurants, the Soviets always met in a restaurant to make a drop. Dwayne and Amber did not know, at any particular time, which restaurant the Soviets would use; thus, on a given night they had to go from restaurant to restaurant. In order to avoid drawing attention to themselves, they became quite adept at ordering small items from the menu at each restaurant. Thus, their expense reports were outrageously large. Because of the pressure of the mission of counterespionage, and because they were siblings, they were constantly bickering; Amber was particularly hard in nagging at Dwayne. Nonetheless, they were devoted to their mission and became very good, breaking up a large number of Soviet spy networks. On their Annual Performance Appraisal, their supervisor wrote – “They’re dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne.”

 

When the driver of a huge tractor-trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

 

This guy and his girlfriend lived in Austin and they decided to go and see the northern lights. They figured that they would just drive north on I-35 until they got to the end and that should do it. So, they set out on their trip and they're both very excited. They are so excited that it is all they can talk about.

Well, after a couple of days they get to the end of I-35 just south of the Canadian border. They find a nice field in which to park, and the entire sky is lit up with the beautiful northern lights. The guy, who's been driving, leaps out of the car at the wonder of it all; he's jumping up and down like a little kid.

Meanwhile, his girlfriend is still sitting in the car and reading a magazine. He can't believe it! So he says, "What's the matter? Does the aurora bore ya, Alice?"

 

Thanks, 6721. A good shaggy dog story is always good for a groan and a smile - it's nice to know that there are folks like you out there who appreciate a good one.