When In-laws Attack

Earlier, I was sitting in my office here at home when the phone rang. Didn't recognize the number but I answered;

ME: Law office.

Voice: WOOOOHOOOO we beat y'all, we beat y'all bad!! YEAH!!

ME: Who is this?

Voice: It's me! Yore cuh-zan Tawmee. HOGS WOOOON!

Me: I don't have a cousin named Tommy.

Voice: Yea yew do. I'm yo wife's cuh-zan.

Me: Never heard of any of her cousins named Tommy. Never saw or met you at any of the family reunions.

Voice: Well, naw. Me and my wife don't go to none of them family to-dos.

ME: Well,....Tommy,...are you a graduate of the University of Arkansas?

Voice: Naw, I never gra-de-ated from no college.

Me: Did you attend Arkansas for a while?

Voice: Naw, naw. Never 'tended no college. Didn't gra-di-ate no high skoo neither.

Me: Hmmmm. Imagine that. . .Just a random fan, right?

Voice: I AIN'T DUMB!!

Me: Well that's debatable, Tommy.

Voice: Ok. I accept yore a-palor-geye-zy.

Me: That wasn't an apology, Tommy.

Voice: Well......ok then.

Me: So, do you have a job?

Voice: I sho-wer do! Assistant to the assistant janitor ov' at the grade skoo in town. I carry them trash cans out yunder to the burn pile dump 'em out and lite them on far. I watch it until the far goes out, too.

ME: Hunh! Imagine that . . . Well, look at the time. I have an important meeting coming up in April. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you calling and taking up my valuable time like this, but I have to go now.

Voice: Well, ok then. Yore a good person. I'll call you again some time.

Me: Feel free to leave a message. Bye!

 

I thought it was either MY cousin Billy Jack or Bobby Lee until he got to the part about having a job. You know the biggest employer in Western Arkansas is called "Workers Comp", but that can take so long that you need your wife to have a good job at the Tyson plant.

Fortunately for the family, Billy Jack, Jr got his Workers Comp claim and bought five acres with a double wide. Bobby Lee, Jr is still waiting on his, but he told me his wife got a promotion & raise to $7.67/hr at Tyson

Folks, this is not posted to be humorous, it is real as a heart attack.

 

You had me at this....

As I red yer post Joe, I could here da' guitar ah strummin' the tune from the movie Deliverance in the background.