jokes for yer big brain

Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by Dionysus, Jun 28, 2013.

  1. Facing Addiction

    Facing Addiction 1,000+ Posts

  2. Facing Addiction

    Facing Addiction 1,000+ Posts

  3. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Amor Fati

    Old McDonald got a promotion at the farm

    His new title is CIEIO
     
    • Funny Funny x 10
  4. Pickle_Nuts

    Pickle_Nuts Will travel with tickets.

    If you get married in a church, you cantaloupe.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Facing Addiction

    Facing Addiction 1,000+ Posts

    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  6. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Amor Fati

    A local Indian restaurant is making employees sign a legal contract that they won't share the flatbread recipe. Just your standard naan disclosure agreement.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  7. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    My grief counselor died in the middle of our session. I didn't even care. Guess she was pretty good.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  8. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    A buddy of mine asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was. It was a total guess, but I was right.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Hot Hot x 1
  9. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Amor Fati

    now we're banging again
     
  10. utahorn

    utahorn 500+ Posts

    "I" am happy that you were correct.
     
  11. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    I just don’t understand how some people have trouble falling asleep... I can do it with my eyes closed.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  12. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    On their wedding night in the bridal suite, preparing for bed-
    He - "Honey, I have a confession to make. I should have told you earlier, but you're going to find out soon enough."
    She wonders with a worried look.
    He - "I'm a golfaholic. It's golf all the time for me. Don't look for me on the weekends; I'll be playing golf. I watch the Golf Channel; I subscribe to all the golf magazines. I buy the new equipment when it comes out. When we take a vacation, it'll be a golf vacation. Just thought I should tell you now."
    She breathes a sigh of relief. "I have a confession to make, too - I'm a hooker."
    He - "No problem - we can weaken your grip and open your stance a bit..."
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
  13. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    A guy is reading the want ads one day, looking for cars for sale. He stumbles across an ad that offers to sell a one-year-old Porsche 911 for $100! He thinks it's an obvious typo, but he dials the number and a woman answers. Conversation goes like this:
    Guy - "$100 for a nearly-new 911? That's got to be a typo - what's the real price?"
    Woman - "Not a typo - real price is $100."
    Guy - "What's wrong with the car - is it wrecked or something? Engine destroyed?"
    Woman - "No, it's in perfect condition, with only 5.000 miles on it."
    Guy - "Why on Earth are you selling it for $100? It's got to be worth $100,000."
    Woman - "My husband died recently - it was his car. In his will he directed that I sell the Porsche and gives the proceeds to his mistress."
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. Facing Addiction

    Facing Addiction 1,000+ Posts

    [​IMG]
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Funny Funny x 2
  15. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Amor Fati

    I can't stand those metric advocates
    Give them 30.48 cm and they'll take 1.609 km
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  16. mchammer

    mchammer 10,000+ Posts

    Most ornamental figures found in gardens are only 10 inches tall and wear red hats.

    It’s a little gnome fact.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
  17. Facing Addiction

    Facing Addiction 1,000+ Posts

    [​IMG]
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  18. Facing Addiction

    Facing Addiction 1,000+ Posts

    [​IMG]
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Hot Hot x 1
  19. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    In addition to his legendary prowess at archery, William Tell was also an accomplished bowler. He and his family members participated in a bowling league for several years. Unfortunately the league's records have been lost, so no one knows for whom the Tells bowled.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  20. utahorn

    utahorn 500+ Posts

    I told my wife the story above. Her only response, "When they showed up to play, did they have an Overture?" Smarty.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  21. Horn6721

    Horn6721 10,000+ Posts

    HHD and uta
    We really need a Groan emoji.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  22. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    ^Maybe Dion can put his thinking cap on and come up with one.
     
  23. Sangre Naranjada

    Sangre Naranjada 10,000+ Posts

    :facepalm:

    You mean like this one?
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  24. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    Not bad, Sangre - that should work.
     
  25. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid.
    One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix.
    "No problem," replied Smitty, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!"
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  26. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Amor Fati

    I pirated a movie last night
    Gave it 3.14 stars
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
  27. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    The effects of the current inflation are going global. Inflation is reaching into Japan. The street prostitutes are going broke - no one has a yen for them.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  28. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    The Bidens are willing to do almost anything to improve their public image. Rumor has it that they're planning a big Halloween costume party for the White House. They rented a two-person horse costume - Jill will be the horse's head, Joe will be himself.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • poop poop x 1
  29. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Amor Fati

    Someone told me that Viagra is good for sunburn
    It doesn’t help the pain but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  30. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    In a third-grade English class:
    Teacher - "Give me a sentence with the word 'fascinate' in it."
    Mary - "We went to the zoo last weekend, and I was fascinated by the lions."
    Teacher - "Mary, that's a good sentence, but I asked for the word 'fascinate' - you gave me another form of that word."
    Susie - "When we went to Oregon last summer, I found the views of the Pacific fascinating."
    Teacher - "Susie, just like Mary, you gave me another form of the word, rather than the word 'fascinate' itself."
    Johnny (the class troublemaker) - "My big sister has a new blouse with ten buttons on it, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2024

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