Ever had the EXACT right words at the right time?

Discussion in 'Quackenbush's' started by Hornius Emeritus, Oct 15, 2009.

  1. Hornius Emeritus

    Hornius Emeritus 2,500+ Posts

    I can't tell you the number of times when, after a conversation, I have thought of the things I SHOULD have said ... you know, the absolutely perfect thing that would have slain (figuratively) whomever I was talking to or that would have clinched the discussion for me.

    This thread is not about those times but, rather, about the times you've said the exact right thing.

    Once I was riding my bike north of Austin on the Sprinkle Cutoff road. That road is very narrow and quite steep and also has many turns in it so there is no way for a car to pass a bicyclist safely. The only option for the safety-conscious bicyclist is to ride in the center of the lane because you don't want to encourage a car to pass you because the lane is just very, VERY narrow.

    So a few years ago I was laboring up the hill and I could hear a vehicle approach me from behind. The engine was revving over and over as this driver followed me from behind, like "get the f**k over, buddy, because I need to get past you." This attitude started pissing me off so I made sure that the dude could NOT pass me by staying in the center of the lane.

    So I climbed up to the top of the hill and screamed down it on the other side, towards Cameron Road. Right where it gets to Cameron, the road divides into two lanes so that you can either make a left turn onto Cameron or a right turn onto Cameron. I got to the stop sign and was in the left lane when the driver pulled up on my right.

    I look over and it's a construction worker/sheet rocker/painter all in white clothes. He has a buddy in the cab of his truck. Both of them are very big guys. I can see that they are drinking 16 oz. Busch beers in brown baggies.

    The driver rolled down his window and said, in a real southern drawl, "Hey lil buddy .... you was impedin' the flow of traffic " ----- as if that is somehow against the law.

    By this time I was royally pissed off. I was just about to launch into my passionate defense about how I am just as entitled to the road as he is, about how it's unsafe to pass back there, how I pay road taxes just like he does etc... when suddenly visions of the beatdown in spandex that would likely ensue flashed through my mind.

    I don't know how I regained control or where it came from, but I just looked at the guy and said "Well, the road is long and the road is narrow but all God's children gots to pass."

    This stopped the dude dead in his tracks. He was expecting a smart *** remark and, in my mind, he was already fumbling for a tire iron to administer an *** kicking.

    But my direct appeal to the guy's inherent (if latent) Christianity spirit broke him down.

    I could see he was flummoxed. Finally he just said to me "well that's just okay, lil buddy," nodded, and raised his beer in a toast to me.

    Where my words about the road and God's children came from I will never know. I am not particularly religious. But a beatdown in spandex with a tire iron narrowly was narrowly avoided.

    So what about you? Have you ever somehow uttered the exact right thing at the perfect moment and then, later, wondered how you did it?
     
  2. NickDanger

    NickDanger 2,500+ Posts

    Just as an aside, but it's my impression that it IS illegal to impede the flow of traffic. Maybe that's just on the expressway. I don't know nor do I care. I did get royally pissed off when some ******* on 2 motorized wheels was going 30 on HWY 16 and refused to let me pass. I had just witnessed aggy beat us at home and I wanted the day to hurry up and end.

    I HAVE said the perfect thing at the perfect time. The time was anytime and I said OU SUCKS!

    It's happened on more than one occasion and I have no idea how I was able to come up with it.
     
  3. Fievel121

    Fievel121 2,500+ Posts

    I was trying to hook my computer up and I couldn't get it to work right so I called friend. One who is not sarcastic, and though a great friend is not known for his humor.

    Me "I'm really confussed."

    without so much as a pause

    "The KY goes on the right hand"
     
  4. NBMisha

    NBMisha 500+ Posts

    At a dinner party at home in Indonesia with two other couples. The gals had just returned from a shopping expedition in Bangkok. Talkative gal from Mexico is going on an on about the argument she got into with the tuk-tuk operator, and she commenced to give us impressions of him: sing song sing song sing song.

    Me: That's Thai for "walk, *****". (suppressed hostility, I guess)

    Much hilarity from most of the table, much grimness from the mishtress.
     
  5. texascoder

    texascoder 1,000+ Posts

    The gf and I are driving down US 183 to go to the Texas Tech game. As we pass by the Duval exit, my gf notices a car pulled off on the shoulder. She saw that the owner is apparently changing a tire and she also noticed a couple of seeing-eye dogs sitting patiently by the person changing the tire (she suspected they were service dogs due to the harnesses they were wearing I think). Now the gf is blonde and well, you know... sometimes we all have blonde moments but blondes seem to have them more often than others... Anyway, she sees the car on the shoulder, the owner changing the tire and the service dogs sitting there and she says... "I wonder where they teach blind people to change a tire?". And my response was..."Probably the same place they teach them how to drive".
     
  6. Napoleon

    Napoleon 2,500+ Posts

    I was messing around with a girl, most clothes were still on, and she said-

    "Do you have something?"

    My reply-

    "Yes"

    That was the exact right word at the right time. [​IMG]
     
  7. Longhorny630

    Longhorny630 1,000+ Posts

    In high school I was running in cross country regionals which, top 10 individuals and top 3 teams go on to state so its a pretty important race. Now, me and my friend always went slow at the start because this particular course (UTSA) takes about 180 runners and forces them into a path about 2 meters wide at the first 100m mark of the race, so rather than deal with that we went slow and picked off the rabbits over the course of the race. So about a mile into the race out on the backside of the course where nobodys watching, most of the runners were cutting corners. So I say 'run the full course motherf**ers' and they reply 'shut up a**hole'. Now I know these guys aren't very good, as me and my friend were probably in like 60th place, so I yell back 'have fun in the back motherf**ers' and we both left em and qualified for state.
     
  8. lostman

    lostman 500+ Posts

    Like accuratehorn I usually tihnk about what I should have said 10 minutes later, but I did manage a really good retort once! I was a senior in high school (but only 16), waitressing one Friday night when this group of guys (about mid to late 20's or so) comes in around 10:00 and sat in my station. They obviously got an early start on the weekend.

    As I was getting water and menus, then later taking orders, this one guy just kept staring at me, playing with his Fu Man Chu, making me a bit uncomfortable. The manager told me he would keep an eye on the table and help out if needed. As I was clearing plates from the table Leacherous Larry says quite loudly, while grinning a **** eating grin, "You know, honey, you got legs all the way up to your hips."

    I honestly don't know where it came from, but without missing a beat, and as deadpan as I felt, I responded quite factually - "Most people do."

    I don't think I got a very good tip from him, but I did from the other guys!
     
  9. Macanudo

    Macanudo 2,500+ Posts

    OU sucks.
     
  10. beaVo

    beaVo 500+ Posts

    my first day on the job at the VA regional office.. 16 years ago.

    two women who sat near my desk were talking about a guy they knew that was trying to get hired at the VA, but he had been arrested before.

    just as i was leaving my desk, one said "hmmm... i don't know if the VA will hire you or not if you have a police record."

    without breakin stride, i said "i have 'synchronicity' and they hired me."

    they were in their 50's so they didn't get it.
     
  11. lostman

    lostman 500+ Posts


     
  12. Perham1

    Perham1 2,500+ Posts


     
  13. UTViking

    UTViking 250+ Posts

    "I love you!"

    "I know."
     
  14. accuratehorn

    accuratehorn 10,000+ Posts

    Waiting to turn onto MLK in Dallas in the traffic after Saturday's OU game, first dour-faced Sooner crosses street, carrying 24 pack of Coor Light, second sad-eyed Sooner carrying 12 pack of Bud Light, third grim Okie with large double plastic bag, several six packs inside...I rolled my window down and shouted "You're gonna need more beer!"
    I thought it was the exact right words at the right time, they seemed less sure.
     
  15. chango

    chango 2,500+ Posts

    "the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!!"
     
  16. Hornius Emeritus

    Hornius Emeritus 2,500+ Posts

  17. A. BETTIK

    A. BETTIK 1,000+ Posts

    Summer job at LCRA a while back while a UT student. I was in a car with a crew on the way to Austin from the FPP near La Grange. The full timers decided it was time to pick on the new guy and one of the comedic smart asses says,
    "So, are you ashamed to masturbate?"
    My reply, "Well I'm ashamed to talk about it."
    Apparently that was a right answer by the tone of laughter that ensued.
     
  18. Perham1

    Perham1 2,500+ Posts


     
  19. MilkmanDan

    MilkmanDan 1,000+ Posts

    People who believe bikes only belong on the road where there is zero vehicular traffic are also part of the problem.
     
  20. Hornius Emeritus

    Hornius Emeritus 2,500+ Posts


     
  21. Perham1

    Perham1 2,500+ Posts


     
  22. NickDanger

    NickDanger 2,500+ Posts

    I am in favor of lots of motorcyclists on the road. I'm likely to get a new liver from one.

    Before anyone goes all ballistic, I'm just kidding. Hey, I gotta get some humor even if it is dark.
     
  23. MilkmanDan

    MilkmanDan 1,000+ Posts

  24. NickDanger

    NickDanger 2,500+ Posts

    That IS ironic.
     
  25. accuratehorn

    accuratehorn 10,000+ Posts

    You bicyclist assassins are the ones in the wrong. It is legal to bike on public roads, and it is illegal to ride on sidewalks. Where possible, the bicyclist moves over to indicate it is safe for the redneck beercan tossing 54 Studebaker pickup truck to pass. However, when there is no visibility or not a safe shoulder, not enough room for the vehicle to safely pass, the correct thing to do is move over into the lane to occupy it, then as soon as you crest the hill or curve and see there is enough room for the dueling banjo fan to pass, move back over and wave them around, as courteously as possible.
    I have riden a lot for fitness and exercise, and this is the correct way to do it, in all seriousness. There are places you can get killed or cause a car wreck by moving over, which is an indication that it is alright to go ahead and pass.
     
  26. Hornius Emeritus

    Hornius Emeritus 2,500+ Posts


     
  27. IowaHorn

    IowaHorn 25+ Posts

    I read this thread a day ago and decided not to post my first reaction because I didn't want to derail the thread, but it actually angered me and I've been thinking about it ever since... I don't post here much but visit this site daily, and I usually admire the Hornius's take on things... but since the thread has already been somewhat derailed, I'll share my first thoughts upon reading the post:
    1. What an *** not not go out of your way (literally) to let the guy pass you; and
    2. I don't get it.... (your clever come-back, that is...)

    So, I am an avid cyclist here in Austin. I love biking and I have for 20+ years. When I am driving and see someone cycling, I am jealous...I'd rather be on my bike than just about anything else... and I've ridden Sprinkle Cutoff before... I have encountered plenty of rude motorists and taunts and intentional "close calls" that could have taken my life. With that said, I also have seen so many clueless cyclists in town bring it upon themselves with defiant behavior.

    All I can go by is the way you described your story... and you sounded like one of those defiant cyclists who takes it upon themselves to teach whomever is behind them a lesson, instead of just letting them pass and never seeing them again. What tipped me off was when you talked about how the revving of the engine pissed you off, so you moved to the center of the lane to make sure he couldn't pass. So you weren't so innocent in the matter... Plus, what he said to you was actually a pretty friendly Texas country-boy way of saying, "Hello there fine chap, I don't mean to intrude, but your bicycle was obstructing my progress, when all I wanted to do was safely get by you and out of your way so I could enjoy the rest of my pint of ale in peace".

    ...So like I said I've been on that road, and yes, it is damn treacherous in spots. But citing the Texas code is a bit silly in this case, given that it is merely your opinion that is was not safe to pass. Well, it is my opinion that there are plenty of places on that road to pull over and let a car pass, without jeaopardizing your safety at all. Come on - you know that is the case too...and just hoped nobody would call you out on it. It is pretty weak to cite a law when it is subjective, after saying you got pissed off and moved to the center of the lane, and then decide it is indisputable that there was nowhere safe to pass...

    Yeah, I know, it sucks to give the ******** redneck the satisfaction and slow down your Armstrong-esque workout pace, but as for me, I choose to do it out of mere courtesy. Plus, I know I can't win against something with a 2000-lb plus weight advantage, let alone a potentially unstable driver, so why try ot make a point when someone is being aggressive towards me... Hell, you and I both know there are places here and there on that road to pull over, safely. And you can certainly make an apologetic gesture to the driver, who obviously was a pretty decent fellow to begin with given his polite initial words to you, and forgiving attitude toward the whole situation as it turned out in the end - he'll get it, that you are doing your best and trying to let him pass...

    So come on man! When I am biking, I put myself in the place of the car behind me. I know the law is often on my side and gives me the same rights as a full-size vehicle... but to a car that could scoot around you in 3 seconds, you are an annoyance, an obstruction, and with some defiance thrown in to the mix, just an *** trying to prove a pointless point.

    It might be inappropriate to go off on this thread like this; I'm sorry, it just rubbed me wrong, and felt like the more interesting subject to respond to than the original concept of the post, which on that topic, your exact right words at the exact right time were, I suppose, perfect for utterly confusing your audience to relent from their impending tire-iron tirade... but you might as well have said "bet babe, slide a piece of the port, on the drink side run the java". I guess I just didn't get if it was supposed to be perfect because it was clever or witty or sarcastic, or if it was just such jibberish that it left even a dumb redneck, well, dumbfounded...

    It was a great idea for a thread and I enjoyed all the other good and amusing examples of having the right words at the right time, but your example is lame, and was just nonsensical enough to make a redneck scratch his gnarly goatee and say "huh?" and put down his imaginary tire iron (an embellishment on your part to make the story more exiting and believable, right?), and decide it wasn't worth it. Oh, the whole Busch beers in brown baggies was a bit over the top too. The Amstel Lights they actually had just didn't fit the profile, huh?

    The driver was pretty damn cool about it all when it comes down to it. While perhaps you were in the right all along, thouh even that is questionable, but it sure would have been much easier to make an extra friendly and overt attempt, as the slower vehicle on the road, to let the poor guy pass, or know you were sincerely trying...
     
  28. stina

    stina 100+ Posts

    OK, the no room to pass a cyclist thing is going to be an ongoing complication until all roads have bicycle lanes. Let's all be patient with each other and lobby for more bike lanes. In the mean time.....

    Colleague has been making racist remarks on the phone with clients. I call her on it and say she shouldn't talk about people like they are a stereotype. She says, "if they act like the stereotype, I shouldn't say anything". I respond, "so if you act like white trash I should call you white trash." She didn't answer and was much less likely to make racist remarks in front of me after that. I don't imagine she stopped using them altogether but she did use them less in front of me.
     
  29. Mrmyke709

    Mrmyke709 1,000+ Posts

    Indeed, Stina, let's get this thread back on track.
    I was at the Austin Muddy Buddy in the beer corral, drinking with my fellow Muddy Buddies. People were leaving because of the chill in the air, and they would give us their beer tickets. I walked up to the young 20-something self-obsessed blond gal and plopped down 2 tickets. I had been up before, and was not measurably drunk (yet), and she says quite smugly, "Oh, there's no way I'm giving YOU( as if my parentage was suspect) another beer."
    I looked at her and calmly replied, "Your womb is a cold place where no man's seed will ever find purchase".
    Her jaw hit the floor.
    I took my tickets back, and my buddy made the successful beer run.
     
  30. TheFied

    TheFied 2,500+ Posts

    I have had the right words to say many times. Laughter definitely follows.

    But to do it right, do it like George Costanza and walk away. I have done that once at happy hour. I don't remember the line but then after the laughter ended, I said "well, hey guys I gotta go". I didn't have a tab so I was able to just leave. It was classic.

    I had always wanted to do that. Leave on top. Only once though have I been able to do that.
     

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