I have friends who've discovered they may be unable to have children. When I brought up the idea of adoption, a look of near disdain was given. I realize some of that reaction may be due to the fact that all of this is so new to them and adoption would almost seem like admitting 'failure,' but I've seen this sort of reaction out of folks who've already gotten over the initial shock of their situation. Discuss.
I highly admire those who adopt children. They are saints. My cousin and his wife adopted two, and it was a real arduous process to complete. They really have sacrificed to raise those two hellions, I mean little angels. Some people are unable to conceive naturally, and to me adoption is a very honorable option if they want kids. I can see where initially they may feel they have failed in some way, but I think most people would honor and admire their choice to adopt.
Sure there is. More for some than others (stating the obvious). Some see it as an admission of their own failure, some see it as taking in cast-offs that others don't want. The people who think like that have some serious issues and shouldn't be parents anyway. If your friends feel that way toward adoption then they have self-selected themselves out of that process. And a good thing, too. People who adopt (for sincere reasons) are performing a saintly act.
The stigma is there only if they themselves permit it. If you adopt a child, and love him/her, and love being a parent- that's all they'll ever care about. And those in their lives with the prejudices will see their happiness and learn they were wrong.
OUE - the answer from the individual's perspective is very much dependent on their experience. When you go through the process of adoption, one of the first questions they ask is where you are in the grieving process. That is because the realization of being unable to conceive or carry a child to term mirrors so closely the experience of losing a loved one - you must get through all of the denial, anger, etc. to get to acceptance. The second thing you learn is that the more you discuss adoption, the more you hear about people with experiences in it. Within 2 days of announcing our decision to adopt, I had two coworkers tell me they were adopted. After our daughter came home, another coworker pulled me aside and told me that seeing how happy we were brought her real closure, as she had placed a child for adoption when she was in high school. And to the other comment above - you are correct that adoption is not for everyone, and if the couple cannot see it as a loving option, then it's certainly not for them.
OUE I think you are right, that it was too soon. But the seed has been planted and I am pretty sure one of them will bring it up to the other. I see this as intensely private and I know you will wait to see their decision and I know you will support them no matter what they decide. For anyone for whom adoption is a stigma the poster who said those people shouldn't be parents natural or othewise was exactly right
Agree w/all comments. I have a little experience with this issue, since my little nephew is adopted. He was in an orphanage in Guatemala, born to a raped domestic. He is the world to me and I thank God my sister decided to adopt him. And yes, I assume the idea won't seem so alien to my friends if they're not able to overcome their issues. Coincidentally, it is entirely possible I'd have been cast aside if I'd been born even 30 years before I was. As a disabled child, there used to be a bigtime stigma associated w/raising a child like me. Luckily, my folks knew better.
I don't think there's much of a stigma. No one's ever treated me or my parents differently. Probably helps that I'm not Malaysian or anything like that, no awkward looks in public. But I can see how a couple that JUST discovered they're infertile might not wanna talk about it right away. Bottom line is that if they love children and genuinely want to be parents, then there's no reason adoption wouldn't be a good option. Hell, adoption's a good option for people who CAN produce children. Having different DNA doesn't make you any less of a parent.
Now OUE Being a sooner is burden but I would never call it a disabilty. seriously you obviously have great loving parents and no doubt they have a great loving child. all your friends need to do is look at you and your parents to understand how wonderful adoption can be.
I am always surprised that anyone would have an issue with adoption. My wife and I have two youngsters born to u
allweather bless you for what you did I have to admit I don't know what this means, " My wife and I have two youngsters born to u "
I have had a few adopted kids in my classroom over the years. The parents have always been very loving, dedicated, and involved. Most of the time, I would have never known the kids were adopted usless they told me.
My late wife and I were foster parents that adopted two little boys from foster care. If the boys were not only 7.5 months apart, and if we had not wanted to tell them from the beginning, then no one would ever know they were adopted. The fact of the matter is that there IS a stigma placed on adoption. It is very small, and it's not the stigma it once was, but there is still one there. That stigma exists on many different levels. It starts in childhood, where one kid will use "Well, you're ADOPTED" as a slight insult, insinuating that child was not "wanted" by their birth parents. It exists in adulthood when a mother gets looks of unapproval, or feels ashamed (as someone's coworker above) after giving up a child for adoption, instead of being proud she gave her child up so they could have a better life and better opportunities than she could provide (for whatever the reason) It exists towards parents that have adopted children of a different race than they are. When we were foster parents, we had children that were white, hispanic, black, and mixed race. We often got unusual looks when we would have foster children that were not white. Not so much where we lived in Dallas, but when we would go back to my hometown of Texarkana, people often looked at us "funny". We were often advised by "friends and family" that we didn't want to adopt a child that was not white because it would be "too hard" to deal with the "cultural differences" or some other B.S. It can also exist within the adoption community. As a parent that decided to adopt from foster care, people that went through private adoption, or overseas adoption, sometimes give off the vibe that our children were somehow "inferior" or "defective" because they came from foster care (again, this is a VERY small percentage of people, but it is still there). So, yes, there is a stigma (albeit somewhat small, IMO). For us, though, we could not have cared less. What was important to us was helping disadvantaged children in our community have a better life, even if was just for the short time they were with us.
Stigma? Hell no. I was adopted by a wonderful 23 month old girl as her uncle. She's now a delightful 11 year old and she still knows me only as "Uncle Steve". Love by birth or love by choice, it's still love. In every way that matters I'm her uncle and I always will be.
When I got remarried, I adopted my wife's 3 kids... I don't know if you recognize the distinction, but there is one between adopting because a couple is infertile and adopting as a result of marriage (adopting the new spouse's children).
OU, I was in the same situation as your friend, and I probably would have given the same look. I am sure you were trying to find a way to support your friend, but I guarantee your friend and his spouse have heard so many intrusive and personal questions, that they simply don’t want to deal with this issue right now. He may come around to this option, but it is not for everyone. Having said that, 3 years ago my wife and I adopted a baby boy whom I love more than I could possibly have imagined. From my perspective, I personally don’t really care if there is a stigma. However, I worry that my son will struggle with these issues so I certainly want to be sensitive to it. One misconception I want to clear up; my wife and I did not engage in any “saintly” behavior as suggested by some posters -- although I appreciate the nice sentiment. Our motives were basically the same as any other couple who plan for a child. We did not adopt our son to give him a better life, or take on a difficult challenge. Rather, we adopted him simply to be parents. I might agree with the “saint” designation for parents who adopt special needs children. Finally, Perham, I think you are missing Ag’s point and overstating the distinction. From the child’s perspective (and that is really all that matters), they have an adoptive father just as they would if he had adopted them from a third party. Ag’s point, which I absolutely agree with, as that as a parent you really just don’t give a **** what other people think of your relationship. He knows where he stands with his children, and I am sure they know it as well.
Finally, Perham, I think you are missing Ag’s point and overstating the distinction. From the child’s perspective (and that is really all that matters), they have an adoptive father just as they would if he had adopted them from a third party. On the contrary, I think both you and ag miss the point. The experience of a child being adopted by a newly-arrived parent (through a divorce and remarriage) is quite a bit different for the child than to be truly orphaned and then adopted.
Perham, I don’t know if you are speaking from experience, but you may very well be right. I can only speak from the perspective of an adoptive parent, and I thought that your first post overstated the significance of this difference. Having thought some more about this, I would have to honestly answer “I don’t know.” With respect to the question posed by this thread, I hope it is either nonexistent or small for son’s sake. For me, I don’t really care. Also, one correction to your last post: very few adopted children are “orphans.” I have met both of my son's biological parents, and would be supoprtive of him if he wanted to meet them once he understands what adoption really means.
I'm an adoptive dad. I love it. This is a tough thing to discuss dispassionately though. There are several types of adoptions- adoptions of stepchildren (which can only happen if a birthparent has declined their parental rights, so don't underplay the impact), adoptions of related orphans, adoptions of children the state has taken custody of, adoptions of infants given up by birth parents who never intended to parent, adoptions of unwanted children from overseas. It's a mistake to think of (most) adoptive parents as selfless saints, I believe. My wife and I wanted a healthy chld as much as any natural parent, and we had long conversations about what disabilities we would be OK with, and which we wouldn't (knowing that like any natural parent, once you accept the child, you are taking on any issues that may be unknown at the time, and that's that, because they are your child and you are their parents). Another misunderstanding that people have is that couples trying to adopt should take any child offered. I guess this is kind of a "beggars can't be choosers" logic. I agree that it is a great noble thing for an infertile couple to adopt and raise a child with severe emotional and developmental issues. It's also a great thing when a couple with children does it too. It seems horribly unfair to try to coerce the infertile couple into doing so, as if to double the impact of their conception problems. Well, I'm ridiculously happy with my little girl. I love being a dad. Adopting was one of the best things I have ever done, and it was absolutely a selfish decision. We're lucky in that all of the grandparents (and uncles, aunts, and cousins) love her, without issues, too. We have friends where one set of grandparents is obviously partial to the natural grandchildren. It's their loss, as our friends adopted children are terrific.
some of my closest friends just adopted a sweet little boy who was most likely headed for an abortion. a friend of the family in another state works at a crisis pregnancy center and helped hook the mother up with my friends. they are VERY happy!
