10:49 AM Wake up to the sound of answering machine and the caller laughing,"I'm not sure I'm going to name the defense as your message requests, but I did want to say that we've decided to hire another candidate. You are very...umm..enthusiastic. Good luck!" As the caller hangs up, you hear others in the background giggling. Your eyes squint and your lip curls. ********! Clearly Simms fans! No wonder they smiled at each other when you showed up at the interview in a #11 jersey and blazer.10:56 It occurs to you that The Burnt Orange Hitman Posse would be an excellent name for the defense. Scramble for thick pencil and Big Red Indian Chief notebook to write it down. Can't find blank page as pages are filled with Applewhite essays, heart symbols, the phrase MAJOR 4EVER and the adjectives GUTTY, DETERMINED, HEADY and WINNER written over and over with your calligraphy kit. Reread essay entitled "What Major has taught me about love" and reflect on its final line...."Wherever puppies lick jowls, wherever sunflowers grow on windy dales, wherever people will help a stranger......Major will be there."11:02 AM Morning weeping is finished. Touch Applewhite poster over bed and light candle while assuming a meditation position. You mumble a silent prayer and beg God to end his testing of Major. And for Chris Simms to have a serious industrial accident involving pipe fittings. 11:59 AM Log on to internet. Weave through ******** analysis and threads about the team. Analysis, facts, analysis, ********....it all makes your head hurt. Decide Applewhite post is needed and write the following: Our offense is joking! Joke! Joke! Look no farther than Chris Sims who is logging into recaveers and has thrown almost five intercepts. I guess it is because we do not want to win.... Other things: Nathan Vasher is a HORRIBLE punt returner. Hello!? Catch it or whatever. Our WR's will not catch the ball because Sims throws to hard and it hurts them! I know this because kids used to hum balls at me when I'd loiter to close to the football players in high school wanting to decorate their lockers. Major's posture was amazing. I was screaming,"Major! Major!" hysterically all game and when he came in his karisma (korisma?) was amazing. He surveyed the field like General Charles De Gaulle or someone. Hello!?!? Anyone else notice that Redding is a LBer now? I called this two years ago. Babers. Get him off of the field. He has been embbarasing since the A&M game (which I also pointed out) and is small and slow. I mean, please. 12:56 PM Log back on to post and gauge responses. There are three Aggies and Sooners agreeing with you calling Chris "Chrissy." This is hilarious to you! You roll on the ground laughing. Two Longhorns with extremely exuberant posting names (HornsRockBaby & ChrisRobertsonShould StartBitch!) agree with you. Several Horn fans are calling you a douchebag. This hurts you. How could someone attack a fellow Horn? Aren't we all on the same team? These are the kind of people who talk about the OU game when we should be concentrating on Houston! 1:43 PM Go to South Congress to distribute Applewhite Literature. Ask people,"Have you heard the Good News of Applewhite?" Most people walk quickly away, but a handful of people stay and listen. The people that stay reek of alcohol and take your watch after choking you for a while. 2:08 PM Write the Republic of Suriname and inquire as to the feasibility of purchasing land for a commune. Surinamese officials have thus far ignored requests. Consider coloring in Suriname on world map in blue denoting a Simms controlled sphere of influence. 3:39 PM Watch Applewhite tape. '99 Stanford. Again and agan. Watch Arkansas Cotton Bowl and '00 Tech game to see if you can actually see where Simms fires the pistol at Applewhite's knee. HornsRockBaby told you this on private messages.4:05PM Log back onto Hornfans. **** all over several threads which are trying to discuss Derrick Johnson, the running game or Greg Davis.4:59 Clip pictures of Applewhite and paste them onto Leo DiCaprio and Justin Timberlake's body in Tiger Beat magazine. Feel all funny inside. Walk into bathroom with jar of Helmann's.7:26 PM Emerge from bathroom whistling and sweating. 8:42 PM Write British consulate asking that Applewhite be knighted. Receive immediate reply! It asks if Major Applewhite fought in the Royal Grenardiers at the siege of Khartoum and what his first name was. Write back telling the Limeys to go f**k themselves. Add Britain to Simms sphere of influence on world map. 9:07 PM More sobbing. 9:28 PM Sobbing, but now also muttering. Now in fetal position. 9:48 PM Listen to Cheap Trick song "Love Hurts" over and over on your jambox. God, that's exactly what it's like. Cheap Trick is so wise. 10:27 PM Watch Fox Sports newscast. No mention of Applewhite. What a joke! 10:45PM Watch Lifetime channel movie Not Without My Mommy: The True Story of Bessie Silverstein. Inspired, you begin work on a script for the Major Applewhite story. Begins with opening scene of Chris Simms selling his soul to Lucifer while Applewhite leads Texas to the 1998 National Championship. Script ends with Applewhite walking into factory where you work, picking you up in your babushka and heavy work boots and carrying you out while Chris Simms claps and says,"Way to go Mikey.....way to go." Place Big Red Chief spiral with completed script in a mailbox addressed to Who It May Concern in Hollywood. 1:43 AM Start making list of how society has wronged you. 1:58 AM Go to bed. Place painted beer carton helmet on head while avoiding dental halo. Rustle legs under blankets causing static sparks and pretend that you have superpowers. Sleep Dream of Major. Always.
The irony is that you have to **** all over our coach to maintain this attitude, since he favored Major over Chris until Major got hurt. The posts which refer to people who prefer Major (or even those who just aren't sold on Chris as the next Heisman) as ******* idiots or morons far outnumber the posts which even show any support for Major or impatience with Chris. You're shadowboxing. It's funny how the people who claim to be so tired of the debate keep bringing it up.
In Scipio's defense, he probably just brought this up and violated the moratorium because he invested the better part of today writing it.
While another moderator may soon nuke it, the reason I haven't done so is that it is a satire on the attitudes of posters and in no way attacks or is negative about any player or coach.
...and then they take your watch after choking you for a while... classic. -Gandorf, formally ChrisRobertsonShouldStart, *****
Nick - Umm, no. Would you want me to lock it if it were? Of course, it would kind of be a non-sequitir seeing as how I haven't seen a single post on this board that says Simms should win the Heisman. May have missed it, though. But you or Dex can go ahead and write one, if you'd like.
"I know this because kids used to hum balls at me when I'd loiter to close to the football players in high school wanting to decorate their lockers. " Man that was funny.
Scip, Nice work. Actually funnier the second time you read it. See, guys, Scip has completely avoided attacking Major Applewhite himself in any way, shape or form. The next time someone writes a play-Major post that doesn't bash Simms personally will be the first time someone writes a play-Major post that doesn't bash Simms personally.
No, I'd like to think we can get along without the locks at all. The Heisman votes haven't been around for a while, but they were just as worthy of satire as the people who constantly scream for Major. My frustration is in the fact that the fans seem to be fairly evenly divided over an issue I wish we didn't have to be divided over. As far as the issue itself goes, the only thing I'm sure of is that I wish it had been handled differently (Not sure how I would have done it, but even Mack says he wished he done it differently). I don't think it is productive to constantly deride people for their opinions on what is obviously a sensitive issue.
Sorry Huckleberry, I was just kidding. I think the post is quite hilarious. Although the movie reference is a stretch.
Man, Scip... The only reason that I would lock this thread is because I called a halt to the "Dear XXX-haters" threads this morning as I (and everyone else) is sick to death of fans bitching at other fans. I am quite certain that the subtle distinction between satirizing the "fan" and denigrating the player will be lost on those who need to understand it most. As fans, in large part, we have done our team a huge disservice by taking up "sides" on this issue. Scipio Tex could very easily write just as biting a satire on the Simms contingent. And knowing him, he just might.
I'm aware of that. Unfortunately, there are a great many of our fellow fans that fall into that category. While I agree that the issue needs to be let go, I'm not going to tell those people they are idiots. It just doesn't accomplish anything. In fact, I think it further polarizes the issue. And yes, they are guilty of polarization, too, but calling them idiots is not going to fix things.
