Howie Long remarked on MNF that playing in the front three of a 3-4 defense "is the football equivalent of being in a Witness Protection Program." As a former high school DE in a 3-4, I can testify that truer words were never spoken. I was double teamed more often than Traci Lords and Seka in Schlong Hungry Stewardesses III: The Glazing and I saw the pigskin running away from me more often than an Orthodox rabbi on mescaline. I'd rather share a Southwest Airlines flight with an inappropriately friendly plumbing supplies salesman named Ed Bob and a spoken word poet named Eco-Wrath Al Shabazz -- who refuses to wash her armpits until the U.S improves its Third World karma -- than do another tour of duty in the Gridiron Vietnam they call the 3-4. Am I clear on this point? A&M's defensive coordinator (I'm sure he coached Jerry Rice once) may look to be enrolled in the Witness Protection Program in 2001 after A&M graduates senior DE's Rocky Bernard and Ron Flemons along with senior NG's Ron Edwards and Stephen Young. Three of those four are three year starters. This will leave the Ags with four scholarship DL -- French philosophe Ty Warren, suspected Cosa Nostra operative Evan Perroni, and the biggest untested pair since Britney Spears' tits: current freshmen Marcus Jasmin and Linnis Smith. It looks bleak folks. Sandusky, Ohio bleak. The Aggie DC should practice saying these lines through a fake moustache whilst trying to suppress a faintly quivering lip: "Aggie Defensive Coordinator? Shoot, no! My name is John Jones. This is my wife Jane and my boys Jim and Joe. I moved to Sandusky, Ohio to be closer to the world's largest twine museum and work 60 hour shifts at the Kwik-E-Mart. Aggie DC? Ha ha ha! What kind of ******* takes 15 DB's and no NG's? Yup. I'm just John Jones. My fingers? Oh, they were all horribly burned in a kiln explosion -- took the prints right off. Lotto ticket for you today, sir?" Observation #1 -- A&M will have no depth. Injuries or grade woes will press true freshmen, walk-ons or even converted OL into action. If the Aggie offense holds true to form, 65-75 defensive snaps per game is a certainty for these guys. Ike Turner couldn't dole out a more efficient beating than what these guys will take every Saturday. The Marquis de Sade would wince and make symapthetic cooing noises. Observation #2 -- They don't have a NG. For a 3-4 defensive team not to have a stockpile of NG's is like Rosie O' Donnell refusing to stockpile raw cookie dough. Child of the Enlightenment Ty Warren is the likely candidate for the job even though his skills are best suited to DE. Hello Obscurity, my name is Ty Warren. Hello Ty, I'm Obscurity, pleased to forget you. Observation #3 -- It's not particularly healthy for a team's DL competition to be decided largely on the basis of the candidates having a pulse and opposable thumbs. Darwinian competition is a wonderful goad for player improvement. Ruthless upgrading is the law of the gridiron jungle. Unfortunately for A&M, Marcus Jasmin and Linnis Smith can show up to practice next year sitting on Barcaloungers while passing out naked pictures of RC's wife and be assured of a starting job. If their position coach asks them to run sprints they can retort,"I'm resting and ****, coach." Then they can give him an *** wedgie and lay down on the 50 yard line until RC comes over and rubs their tight calves down with Tingle All Over Body Oil, during which time they will loudly refer to RC as "our white haired *****" and playfully spank his *** with their forearm pads. That just can't be healthy for team chemistry. Observation #4 -- We know Warren will be a good player though likely miscast and relegated to NG. The other three are bigger mysteries than DeLoss Dodd's haircut, which I understand will play a prominent role in the cutting edge Berlin techno band Exquisite Excrement's new album cover. Hook 'em.
Dennis Miller, ****. MNF got the wrong guy. Beautiful workup. If Ty Warren ends up at NG for a couple of years, he'll be kicking himself for not taking that Austin visit.
Scipio - do you have a regular office job? You HAVE to get out of there and start writing...or commentating...or just hanging out at the bars I frequent so I can buy you a beer and listen to you blend Porno and Football some more. Two of man's favorite topics.
Delightful post, Scip. For those of us who get grim little pulses of sick satisfaction from observing aggie woes, it gets better and better on this DL thing. Two points: 1) In addition to the linemen, the ags lose three fourths of their starting linebackers. OC's are already salivating at the prospects of pounding straight at the aggies in 2001. 2) Who are the ags going to get this year to fill those huge holes in the defensive line? It would seem to me that, were my team experiencing the depth crisis already afflicting the ags, I would want to stock up on a bunch of big, mean defensive linemen. From what I've seen, the ags are getting about zero interest from the top DL recruits in the state. Who are they going after? Who (for the reasons so eloquently elucidated in your post) would want to step into the line in a 3-4 defense? The aggies would appear to have some pretty big hurdles to clear in restocking that line with quality players. Life is good. Hook 'em!
Possibilities for NG:There's really only one true NG candidate in state this year, Derricks. He lists A&M, but I wouldn't count on it if I were the Ags. Tommie Harris really is better suited for 4-3 DT or DE, and the Ags aren't in his top two (we lead). The out of state DL's that list them (although, only sometimes) Hill and Spears would probably have some Louisana relative rub out RC for even mentioning the word "noseguard" around them -- these guys are DE's or 4-3 DT's all the way. A guy they were looking hard at, Clayton Harmon, just committed to Tech before his his trip to A&M. Maybe they can get him to de-commit from Leach, but that's not something you want to count on. Paul Broussard would make a killer 4-3 DT or 3-4 NG, but my bet is that -- if he gets his grades even close to being able to transfer to a Texas school -- it'll be UT, not B/CS, that would be his choice of places to play (especialy with Casey and Shaun headed for top 2 NFL round glory after this year). Sherrod McGowan is a possibility, but he's going to need about 50 pounds added on to play. Honestly, I think they're forced to go after a JUCO NG pronto -- somewhere, anywhere -- to bring in next year for depth. And that assumes that Warren can make the transition to NG -- a very punishing position, which takes a lot of concentration to play. I don't know about Jasmine, but I saw Linnis Smith up close about a month ago, and he has a lot of bulking up to do to play 3-4 DE. 2001 should be interesting for DL's in Aggieland.
SHS III was infinitely inferior to the first SHS, and even SHS II: Put That, You Know, Wherever. Why can't these filmmakers leave well enough alone! They keep milking the same thing over and over and beating a dead horse! By the way, note that the top three movies this week were: Nutty Professor II What Lies Beneath X-Men That's porntastic!
UT was in the same ****** position about 4 years ago when all we had was Chris Akins and Grey Mosier and a bunch of true freshmen (Hampton, Humphrey, Woodard etal). It sucked for at least two years and finally midway through the third year Hampton, Woodard, and Hump began to play like studs. Up until that point teams pounded us up the middle, around the end, and through the air due to no pass rush, no push, no experience, and no depth. It will be no different for the Aggies next year.
As an outsider, that has GOT to be the funniest thing I've ever read on this board. For that, I thank you Scipio.
This has got to be one of the best posts I have ever read. It has the 3 main elements of any truly good posts: 1. It is funny as hell 2. It provides correct, relevent information 3. It makes the future look better for our boys in Orange Keep up the great work. I will hope on my best days to be half as witty as you.
"Resting and ****"! Hahahahahaha! That's the funniest thing I've read since the aggie qb roster! Shades of reality from the guy that brought up our ghost of defenses past. The 3-4 at Texas is like a bad dream...
You can't be correct! Kirk Bohls in the recent Sporting News rates the ATM D-line as NUMBER ONE in the Big 12. And we all know how brilliant Kirk is! Great post...right up (down?) there with Stan's Aggie urinal target post.
"Ike Turner couldn't dole out a more efficient beating than what these guys will take every Saturday." Scip, Bad news, you've got to get with the times. "Ike WAS king of the women beaters until OJ took his prize... what's blood got to do with it?" For the first time in my life I will definitely be pulling for OU at Kyle. I can say without doubt, I will be rooting for zeroU to thrash those guys worse than a posse of Philly police officers, who have just been cut off from their methamphetamine supply.
As is the case every year down in Aggieland, at the stroke of midnight on December 31st, all A&M second stringers become "more talented" than the starters they were unable to replace. You see it is a tradition at A&M. If you can turn a pumpkin into a chariot, you can turn a pine-rider into a starter with the wave of R.C.'s magic wand!!! "> ~
Dammit, Scip. Locker Room or Classics? I guess Classics based on the Diet Coke spewing all over the monitor. Forget about Bea, hon. -- Hook 'em Horns
Hello Pot, this is horn4life, you're black. Isn't there another team, closely related to this website, that will be losing two senior D-Tackles next year? Isn't there a crop of unproven talent that will need to fill those spots? Judging from the laughter and concern over the A&M DL situation, and the lack of concern over what faces the Horns, I would assume that Mack will wave his magic wand and suddenly these unproven players will be studs. Right horn4life? BTW, that was a damn funny post.
HtownAg92, The point of Scipio's post, in case you missed it, is not whether the players A&M has recruited are any good. It's that there aren't enough of them to provide any kind of competition. They are assured of a starting spot when they step on campus. No Longhorn in their right mind is going to suggest there will be no fall off in 2001 when Hampton and Rogers are playing on Sundays. The hope is the players available will fill in adequately (no other college team has a duo like H&R either, yet I think a couple of Div IA schools might do okay in football this year) and other parts of the squad will step up their level of play to overcome the drop off at DT. The heart of the A&M DL dilemma, as Scip makes clear in his inimitable way, is the lack of bodies, not the lack of talent, although most of us feel like that will be an issue as well.
It's all about recruiting balance, no? They had to take huge numbers of DL in a down year after the big DL year back in '96. As a consequence, we were playing with Hampton, Humphrey, Woodard and Goodloe...three all Conference guys...instead of Perroni, Dolly Madison, Edwards and the rest. They did the same thing at defensive back so this year, while they should be enjoying the spoils of a Senior laden defensive line, they'll be rebuilding the secondary. Of course, we're doing the same thing now on the offensive line. I think that part of the equation is that Brown and crew saw this class developing and were able to go for the cream for the past two years, with mixed success.
And once they go down far enough, they are going to find that it is a long way back up against Mack Brown . . . And they apparently can see it already, based on their morbid fascination of all things Mack . . . Poor aggies. Very good reading, Mr. Scipio. Thank you.
for all of the nice comments. As for our own DL situation, much of our consternation over Rogers and Hampton's graduation is eased by the fact that young Stevie Lee is a star in the making. In addition, Marcus Tubbs, who should be the first one of off the bus in every road game we play, developed nicely in the Spring. Throw in the highly regarded Ryan Haywood, who is now starting to do all of the right things; a freshman superstar in Tommie Harris and the possibility of Paul Broussard and I think most objective observers will find the A&M DL situation much more alarming than our own.
The difference between UT and A&M is that we have super talented backups. They are backups becasue they have All American's in front of them. Stevie Lee and Marcus Tubbs are absolute studs. You wouldn't know, but those teams that fans actually get to watch a lot of college football practices and scrimmages are able to identify such. Even other prospects like Ryan Haywood and Miguel McKay are on the top side of 280 and could hold their own for a couple plays to spell starters. A&M has no depth, nada in the DL after Warren one injury and you guys take a big hit as your guys will not play well without rest. The other perhaps even larger problem for the Aggies is that your offense has had problems staying on the field. Htown- If you don't see your DL as a potential depth problem then I hope R.C. follows your lead and waits till 2002 to get some replacements! "> ~
Again, horn4life likes to talk out of both sides of his mouth. He uses the "magic" reference every chance he gets to refer to A&M's confidence in their backups. Of course, A&M fans are delusional because the backups are inexperienced and would be starting if they were that good. On the other hand, when faced with the same situation, he says that UT has nothing to worry about because their backups are studs, i.e. at the stroke of midnight, these backups will become as good or better than the starters -- the same statement that you rip the Ags about. Sure, your backups are behind two All Americans. Ours are behind senior three-year starters. Your argument about watching the players in practice might have some validity if you had also watched the A&M players in practice. You just assume that Texas' backups are better. Why? Have they done anything on the field (in something besides an orange-white practice) to prove it? No. And when talking about depth, don't rely on players that are not actually on the team yet to bolster your arguments. Sure, you would add depth with Harris and Broussard. But as you and I know, counting chickens (Moses, Davis, Brown) before they hatch isn't wise.
The beauty of this particular debate is that we'll get to see the results in just one short year. If you're confident in A&M's ability to play a starting three on DL good enough and deep enough to keep blockers off of your young LBers, with half of that unit still unproven against college football players, then more power to you. That's the sort of faith that moves mountains. Know this though, the 3-4 falls down like a line of dominoes the second that an offensive team realizes that the DL don't require double teams.
