Dear Tinkles,Please do not be frightened that I am a grown man with no sense of embarrasment over the fact that I'm writing an open letter to a three year old Bullmastiff (21 in human years!): you see, the "open letter to recruit" is a time-tested method to persuade high quality student-athletes to attend a university. Interestingly, it has also been substantially correlated to an inability to interact in normalist social contexts, but, in light of the Margot Kidder incident, what does modern psychiatry know anyway? Anyway, Mr. Vishipoonwala said I could get on the net when I was done cleaning out the Slurpee machine, so here goes: Tinkles, I have long admired your jowl structure and your rip-roaring method of play. I'd like to give you the reasons why Texas is the PERFECT fit for you: * Academics -The University of Texas is known for its excellent academics, but it also has an alternative degree track for at-risk athletes. We call it the Sociology Department. Tinkles, to be candid, I understand you had some troubles with the ACT - namely that you ate the test scantron and began "dominance humping" the test moderator - but I can assure you that such spontaneity and cries of canine outrage against anthropomorphic bias will be judged within its proper context by the pony-tailed men at whose educational teat you will suckle. We're talking 3.0 minimum. Tinkles the Bullmastiff, Academic All-America -- it does have a nice ring, no? * Plentiful ******* - Tinkles, you'll be amazed at the sheer amount of hot ******* that roam around Town Lake year round. There's even a place off 1st Street where you can just walk in, pick out a ***** you like and take her home with you. Don't like her? -- bring her back. Do the ******* want to please you? Oh, yes indeed. Get this: the ******* don't get picked up by you? We cap 'em. That's gangsta rappa **** Tinkles. *Carl Reese- Bull Reese (yes, he's part Bullmastiff) is a defensive genius who will develop your abilities to the fullest and prepare you for Pro Football, the next Tom Hanks Hollywood dog-buddy vehicle, or the Swiss Alpine Ski Patrol -- whichever you prefer. Some sought to label you a "dirty player" when you removed the QB from Houston Westbury's ulna and then stood glowering over it in the end zone -- Reese understands your aggression and will cultivate, rather than muzzle, it. *You're A Good Dog! Here at Texas, we believe that you are A GOOD DOG! Yes, you are a GOOD DOG! Tinkles is a GOOD DOG! We believe TINKLES NEEDS HIS BELLY RUBBED! Tinkles needs a TREAT. Because he's a GOOD BOY! *Aggies Want Your Ball! Tinkles, the Aggies want your ball. They're gonna get your ball! Tinkles! Where's your ball Tinkles? Where's your ball? The Aggies took it. *Facilities - Tinkles, the facilities at Texas are unsurpassed. The dining hall has an amazing assortment of food options: half eaten squirrel, your own ****, slippers -- you name it. We have agility courses that would put Animal Planet to shame. All weights are dewlap friendly. Well, I'd better go set up a Slim Jim display before Mr. Vishipoonwala calls on Ganesh to castrate me, so I'll talk to you later. Please, please go to Texas. Signed, Scipio
Letters such as these are an integral part in attracting the top canine species to the University, keep it up!! I've always heard that hyenas are huge grade risks though.
RC didn't offer. "Well, I don't know what I received my honorary degree in, but judging from the fine sista's in the crowd, I hope it's gynecology." Mike Tyson.
This sort of pathetic boosterism is really the kind of thing we should leave to the aggies. The coaching staff knows how to let Tinkles in on all the benefits of UT, I'm sure. And, like any Bullmastiff, I'm sure Tinkles wants to take his trips (head out the passenger window, of course) and feel out these schools for himself. How is Tinkles going to know which program 'feels right' unless he's peed on all the campuses? Scip, I enjoy your commentary on most occasions, but here I think it's best if we just let the process work. I've got a good feeling about this one. Trust Mack.
I don't get it. Is this legit? Are we really trying to get a player named "Tinkles" to come to our school? And who cares if he has a straight "jowl-line?" My questions would be, "does the jowl-line move well in space, and does it have a low center of gravity?" This guy doesn't really sound like much of a player, if you ask me. Cakes For beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror, which we still are able to endure, and we are so awed because it serenely disdains to annihilate us. ---- Rilke
If I'm Tinkles the Bullmastiff reading these posts, I'd ask myself if I really want to come to a University that has such ******** for alums. Jnecakes - your signature line is from the Entertainment News' review of the movie "Krull," right?
Should Tinkles come to UT, I just hope we keep him at his natural position of linebacker instead of wasting his talents at defensive end.
Don't you get an automatic 8 points for eating the scantron alone? I like Tinkles, but I have a bad feeling. If he comes back from Wisc-GB without committing, I'll sleep better. All it takes is a little confidence...
Scipio, my worst fears are being realized - I've always been appalled by the spate of "open letters" that seem to emerge at this time of year. I thought you were above it. Et tu, Scipio? On a brighter note, you didn't dwell on the fact that Austin is the center of cosmopolitan living that the internet makes it to be. I found myself hoping you would at least use your heartfelt plea as a means to get the goddamned lights on Congress Avenue synchronized, or at a minimum, arrange for the Four Seasons' torch singer to become my concubine, if only for this special weekend. As to Tinkles, I have it on good authority that he's being cultivated by our old friends, Dr Raoul and Mr Lozenge, so I think we can rest easy on it. I've also heard he's a particular fan of Clive Cussler, so who knows what strings DeLoss may pull to ease his entry? The main question, IMO, is whether he can maintain his agility in pads? BTW, what doesn Wronghorn Boob have to say on this one? Given that his grandfather took one for the team in that isolated incident in Donner Pass, he might be able to talk to the training table fare with some authority.
Hilarious, plus you managed to mention the ******** of a high school that I went to. I was nearly crying while talking to a customer on the phone, he couldn't understand a word i was saying.
The very definition of a classic. I was in tears. Everyone here needs to be patient with Tinkles' decision. Tinkles will be living in an orange dog house when the press conference is held. (Unless people start to whistle the eyes of Texas as he trots to the podium, which could cause Tinkles to make a snap decision and commit to Wofford instead.) Hook 'Em
Mad Dog is hounding Tinkles, but the Georgia Bulldogs have the inside track. Not a big loss, as far as I am concerned. Runs the flea flicker well, but tends to catch the paper with his mouth rather than his incisors. Good track speed but seldom closes the gap when pursuing postal carriers.
The only question that I have is that if Tinkles decides to grace us with presence will we give him the #60 jersey!?!?!
props to scipio in the spirit of the real value of open letters to recruits... I'm considering bringing a sign to the game this friday: "UT loves Tinkles"
Speed Goat & I saw Tinkles play twice this year out in West Texas, and I tell ya, the sonofabitch can play. Against the Throckmorton Greyhounds he really dogged the QB in spite of his lack of speed...chewed up their RBs as well as the down markers. Versus the Stamford Bulldogs he unfortunately wasn't much of a force since he was ejected for humping one of the cheerleader's legs. But he did get his licks in.... As far as going to wu (tee hee!), he told Fetch that "The terriers suck!"
h HMMMMMMmmmmm nice post but you forgot all the cars he can chase along I-35. Dont forget we have a better class of vehicles to chase in Austin, than those manure spreaders and cotton combines they have in Goemersville. P.S. Did anyone notice that TVLand was running a Gomer Pyle Film Marathon this last weekend? Hook 'EM
Absolutely no way Tinkles signs with a&m, unless he's into necrocaninia, or wu, with those nasty yappy terrier *******, or at Georgia, with that drooling, ugly bulldog. Not when he attends a HornFans.com tailgate and finds out about LHB and Girlies hot poodles! He's a lock for Texas. Count on it. When bongos are outlawed, only outlaws will have bongos.<P>
Garvin reports that Tinkles will not take an official visit to UT "because he's already been there so many times." Tinkles has now scheduled an official visit to OU, who had never before been mentioned: "Well, they're the no. 1 team. And one thing they've got in Oklahoma is dead squirrels." TGB and his followers loudly proclaim that UT has many more dead squirrels and better looking ones too. In any event, OU has no grackels to speak of, which is much more important. ---------------------------- Mediocrity: It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until you get your *** kicked on television.
I'm stunned. I'm pissed.It's Tinkles. Maj. Doc Mills, spokesman for the Texas A&M Commandant's Office acknowledged that the Corps teaches "followership." Houston Chronicle, 8- 25-00 HOOK 'EM
