Dear Fran, Don't close your eyes next time - I want you to have the total experience. Respectfully, Tellus' sack PS - lube your forehead next time
Dear Coach Fran, Jerk! You took my title as the worst Big XII coach ever. Now people will only remember me for running a storied program into the ground. Up Yours, John Mackovic
Coach Franny, I used to like you... A LOT!!! Until you ate my last box of Lil Debbie's Hating my little doll of you right now!!!! The Listeater
Dearest Coach Fran: In good faith we incorporated with a vision in mind to transform the city of Houston into a college football destination by hosting an event where we could reasonably expect you to participate (every few years or so)with great fervor due to your geographic location. You failed to live up to your bargain by not qualifying for admittance. Thanks a lot, now we have to liquidate all assets and lay everyone off. Best regards, The Houston Bowl
Dear Coach Fran, The reason I lick my *** is to get the taste out of my mouth from watching your games. Love, Reville (Highest Ranking Officer in The Corps.)
Dear Coach Fran, If my aunt is my sister but my dog is my brother, what were you doing behind the barn? Aggie
Dear Coach Fran, Please give me a call after you are fired on T+1 next fall. I will be interviewing for my new Pool Boy position in the spring. I always want to help out a former coach when I can. Sincerely, Mack
Dear Fran, Regarding your question: the trick is, to relax your muslces, and make sure not to clinch, and it won't hurt so bad. sincerely, Aurora Snow's *******
Dear Fran, Thanks for making me feel appreciated. Sincerely, Visitor's scoreboard lightbulb changer at Kyle Field
Dear Coach Fran, Only in America can you make so much money for doing so little. I LOVE this country! Sincerely, Yakov Smirnoff
Ahoy Coach Fran, Thank you for your part in helping us elevate our program to be consistantly in the top three in the conference. Aaaarrrr, Mike Leach P.S. No, you can't play with my sword.
Dear Coach Fran: Have you ever been boned up the *** for bein' a fuckin' wise guy? Sincerely, National Lampoon
Dear Coach Fran, Can you please keep your players out of Wyoming. They're irritating and dissapointing our flocks something awful. It's thrown a huge monkey wrench in our love life and it must stop. Sincerely. Ennis & Jack PS. Baaaaaaaaa really does mean NO!!
Dear Fran: I am outraged at the poor quality of your most recent recruting class. How am I supposed to fire up the aggie faithful when you give me a crop of players that are impossible to nickname? I demand that you immediately recruit someone with a name that works for nickname purposes! I have it on good authority that there is a 155 lb. 4.75 WR over in Ennis named Fred Hammer. Now, there's a "Sledge" if I've ever seen one. Also, there are at least 2 1-2 star DB's with the name "Rusty", which are just begging for the moniker "Nailz". ****, I'd even settle for any asian kid that we could call "Zero", or a Mexican that we could call "Bandito". Get off of your *** immediately, before we start disussing "5%ers". Sincerely, TO Ag.
Dear Coach, Give me a call at the end of the year. We are going to have a few openings at the 2A level. Sincerely, Robert Joseph President of the Texas High School Coaches Assn.
Dear Coach Fran, This is my second letter to you. First of all my sympathy for being the receipient of all this cyberspace data & suggestions. All the letters / posts here are in good faith - ALL trying to help you. It is all part of the accredited & highly recognized HornFans.com 12 Step Program. You, however must take the first step by admitting that you and aggy have a problem. I fully understand, the first step is hard, but you must freely admit: I am Dennis Franchione, Head Crotch at Texas agricultrual & mechincal and WE SUCK. This first step will start you on the road to more acceptance of yourself and who your team really is in the Big XII. Sincerely, Your Friend & Counselor, Woo-Woo WorsterMan.
Dear Coach: Where have you been? You just keep me hanging around in this dark place, and now I even have dust growing on me. Some thanks I get for holding you tight for all of those years in Fort Worth and Albuquerque. I guess they were right in Bama when they said you have no loyalty. Sincerely, Your size 34 belt that you haven't used in about three years PS: There are a few shirts and slacks in here that are pissed too. We are all tired of watching your extra long tie getting all of your attention.
Dear Coach Fran, When should we start listing your house? You know end of the year is slow month... Sincerely, Your Realtor
Dear Fran, Enough is enough. It's time you did something about the dwindling attendance at your football games. It's hard enough to get people to stop in this miserable squalid town without you screwing up the 6 times a year when we get Aggys to watch your team screw around. The Dixie Chicken profits are down, no one stays at the Ramada Inn and the less said about those "We love Fran" t-shirt sales the better. DO SOMETHING. Pay streakers to run across the field, bring in jugglers, swallow your tongue--we don't care. Anything to get people to show up to your games. The disinterest in your program is killing our economy. You've been warned. Sincerely, College Station Chamber of Commerce
Dear Coach Fran. Getting lost in a forest was our idea. You'll hear from our lawyers. Regards The Cure P.S. f**k Robert Palmer.
Dear Coach Fran, Listen, I know things look bleak and hopeless right now. But whatever you do, don't agree to put on a helmet and ride on a tank. Mike Dukakis
Dear Coach Fran, I just bought a 20,000 square foot beachfront mansion on Maui. Thank you very much, Little Debbie
Dear Coach Fran, Thank you. I was tired of being stood and trod upon for 4 full quarters ever single A&M football game. Now that most parts of me only have to withstand all that foot pressure for 2 or 3 quarters until the game gets out of hand, I am in a lot less pain. You are a great friend. Sincerely, Kyle Field
Dear Coach Fran, Maybe if you got some maroon capes, maroon pants, a spider, a blocking sled, and moved your DE to linebacker you could win. Sincerely, Hornfans brain trust
