My 3 1/2 year old has been a handful lately. Over the last few weeks at school he has gotten in trouble for calling other kids stupid, refusing to follow instructions, etc. But today, he got mad at his teacher and kicked her in the shin. I am not quite sure how to handle this...we are afamily that practices corporal punishment, but with him it doesn't seem to work. A little background on him. He is the oldest child in the family (he has a 2 year old brother) and is much more intelligent and imaginative than the typical 5 year old. He can add and subtract. I know every parent thinks their child is a genius, but in his case he's really very bright. Personally, I think part of the problem is that he's bored. They have moved him up to an older classroom previously and it curbed some of his behavior issues. Last week he had two night terrors as well. At this point, I am about at my wits end. We have taken away toys, priviliges, etc away, but it doesn't seem to be doing any good. I really don't want this to turn into a spanking vs not spanking thread....I'm just looking for some mature, adult input. Thanks
Military Boarding School. Seriously, 3 is a freak'n hard age. The best advice I can give is to get him where it hurts. I could threaten to take a toy away and my oldest would hand it to me. It was her way of saying f you buddy. However, she REALLY doesn't like time outs - so this is the method of punishment right now. Also don't forget positive reinforcement. I know it's hard to think about it when your kid is going through some seriously rough times. Lastly, hang in there - they go through it in phases. I'm curious as to what other posters say because sometimes my oldest (now 4) every once in a while has "impossible days", where anything and everything is impossible with her - just tantrum after tantrum. A lot of my friends say that it's still normal for her to act out. The only thing I've noticed is that it happens when she is really tiered.
roundhouse kick to the face. heh. no, honestly, if the corporal punishment is not working with the kid, try another tactic. first, create a reward - a treat that is not a reward at all, but is something different that he loves. it can be dessert after dinner. or it can be a special piggy back ride around the house. or storytime, or whatever. use that as collateral for poor behavior. ie, "little charlie, you misbehaved today. you called someone stupid at school. no dessert for you tonight." i dunno. just a thought. mine's only about year, and he thinks "no" is a game right now, and i'm at a loss with him.
My 3 1/2 year old is a challenge as well. She is driving my wife crazy because she WILL. NOT. LISTEN. We are not sure if she is worse than the average 3-4 year old or this is just what 3-4 year olds do. Having to tell her 5-10 times to do something is frustrating though. It helps to get down on her level and say, "XXXX, please go YYY." The she usually does it if she does not get distracted on the way. However, with a 11 month old this is not always possible to get down and direct her for everything that needs to be done. We wonder if we are expecting too much.
Have you discussed the act with him, "man to man"? I've found my daughter(5) really responds when I speak to her as an equal. We she first got into K this year, she was bored stiff. I am talking about colors and shapes here, 2 yr old ****. So, I wasn't at all surprised when I got the phone call. Hell, when I was in that situation as a child, I did much worse. Anyway, so I picked her up and took her to the playground. I had her show me some "tricks", whatever she could do. Then, I had her sit down on the playscape where she was face to face with me standing. I asked her why she thought her teacher was upset and we discussed her role at school and why she is there, etc. She cried a little bit; she knew I was disappointed. However, she has been a model citizen every since our talk. The teacher came up to me a week later, "I don't know what you did, etc". Sometimes a child responds better to a more mature punishment. The toy thing doesn't work with our daughter either. Anyway, it can be frustrating but he is 3 and bored. Perhaps you could send an activity to engage him? Maybe when the other kids are doing something he has already mastered, the teacher would be willing to give him an activity you send instead. We used to buy a cheap activity book from Walmart. They have them by grade level and let our daughter go to town during activity time at her daycare.
We all have VERY differnt philosophies in life and we're having similar results... crud... must just be the age? Maybe my wife is right - our daughter may be a saint compared to most 3/4 year olds and I just have unrealistic expectations. Sometimes the adult to adult talk strategy works for me and sometimes I just get a response like, "Yesterday I went swimming and the water was cold."
I teach 4 year olds. Star charts are easy and work for many kids. Its worth a go. If it doesnt work then you are only out $2. Ive had kids that could care less about the stars but would be great after a "big kid" talk. You just have to try things and find what works. I have 36 students. About 5 of them are on some type of beavior plan. There are 3 plans between the 5 of them. Different kids work for different things. Being bored is never an excuse for kicking an adult though. As one of the few male teachers, Ive never had that problem though.
This thread is putting my mind at ease. Our youngest is about to turn 4, and he is just a complete mess right now. He has a fit about anything and everything. I bought some posterboard and created a giant star chart for him and his 5 year old sister. He's in the lead, but only because she has harder tasks to fulfill. It's hard to correlate the bad behavior to the start chart, though, especially when they're young and a bit emotionally immature (like he is). You can say "you're being naughty, so no star sticker tomorrow morning even if you sleep in your bed all night", but that doesn't really mean much until the next morning, at which point all hell breaks loose because he wants to know why he's not getting a damned star. I'm getting a vasectomy.
Tiredness, hunger (he's growing like a weed these days) and a poor diet (ie not enough protein or too many carbs, sugar or dairy) are always recipes for bad behavior around here. About the not listening - I think it's totally typical for the age. My 4 year old (just turned 4) is terrible about listening to us. I think part of the problem is that we say his name too much and he tunes us out. (This was something commented to me by his Montessori teacher.)
I think you need have a talk with the teacher in depth. Does he/she notice any behavior leading up to the incidents? What time is he getting up in the morning and when does he go to bed? Does he nap at school?
1 -- you need to accept the fact that 3 year olds are hardwired to be shitheads. Absolutely obnoxious shitheads. It's what they do. It's what both of mine did. And then, almost magically, around their 4th birthday, they turned into delightful little kids. They still have their moments, but they're good kids. 2 -- realize that you have to be patient, and you have to stand firm. If you do not reward shithead behavior, there will be no incentive to continue it in the long run. If you give in to shitheadery, it will be established as a successful tactic, and they will employ it long after they turn 4. 3 -- I have found that small, child-specific punishments work very well. For example, my 4 year old boy has recently started lying -- a lot. I told him that it will not be tolerated. He will get in more trouble for lying than for what he's lying about. I told him that the next time he lies, I am taking away toys. He lied. We walked to his room, I took his precious aircraft carrier, and put it in my closet. He was truly sad, and remorseful. He even beat up on himself a bit, which I had to talk him out of -- I told him that he was not a bad kid, but he made a bad choice. And I was sure he wouldn't make that choice again, right? The lying has actually tapered off dramatically since then. Give them a clear, and meaningful consequence (not a brutal one -- don't take his blankie, etc.). Then follow through with it. Do so in a calm and methodical way. That really seemed to work with both of ours.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that most folks on hornfans (like most UT students and graduates) are pretty "smart" people. One thing I've noticed is that intellect and aptitude -- the kinds of things that make it relatively easy to learn a new subject very quickly -- don't necessarily correlate all that well with being a good parent. (I'm not saying they're anti-correlated, just that intelligence doesn't play a huge role in whether or not a person is a "good" parent.) Parenting is hard work, and it requires self-discipline and patience. I tend to be a bit lazy, and I'm certainly not the patient sort. I could pick up a chemistry book tomorrow and come up to college level pretty quickly, but Jesus, parenting is a whole different level of difficult.
One of the most valuable peices of info I've heard lately is this: Expectancy X Value = Motivation. So, a person can value what you're offering them very much, but if they don't think they can do it, they won't be motivated. Or, they can think they can do it all day long, but they don't value the reward, so they don't do it. For example: I'll give you a million dollars if you can learn to speech fluent Japanese in the next 5 mines. you can really want the million, but you know you can't learn japanese in 5 minutes, so you have no motivation to do it. If you're kid's not doing what you want them to do, you need to increase the value or increase the expectancy. Make sense? If you are going to punish the kid for not doing what you want them to do, plug in the value of the punishment. Someone mentioned their daughter not doing what they say-- that's because she doesn't value the reward or the consequence for not doing it. Another big thing w/ small children: Don't use the same "chart" or system for rewards and punishments. It's confusing and makes them think they won't get what they're working for. So... Pick something you want your kid to STOP doing-- like calling others stupid. What does your kid love to do? Play computer? OK, So make a chart that says COMPUTER. Each letter = 2 mintues on the computer. Each time he calls a kid stupid, you cross off a letter. When using a system like this, you CANNOT give letters back. This is a really good, effective system for extinguishing negative behaviors. BUT YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTANT. If the kid gets to do the reward for longer than they earned, or at any other time, it will lose it's value. Use a seperate chart for doing things right-- like earning the stars. The big thing to remember is that there is no simple solution to changing behaviors. Punitive consequences are not enough-- you will get the "So what" resonse. Role-bound power is not enough-- at least not enough to teach all kids to behave. Wishing and Hoping is not enough-- don't rely on "they'll grow out if it." To change a child's behavior, you have to change YOUR behavior.
I really think you're right in that the kid is bored. He probably needs more stimulating activities to curb his energy and get him to focus. The old saying "an idle mind is the devil's workshop" is very true. I was just like this when I was a kid. I would always get bored at school and end up getting into trouble. Find ways to keep him occupied both at school and at home and I bet you see a downswing in discipline problems.
We have two kids, and have been pretty lucky I think because they are pretty well behaved. The older one, seven likes to follow rules and please although she does drive us crazy like all kids do at times. The other is 18 months and we can see differences, but nothing nuts yet. My wife was big into Love and Logic: www.loveandlogic.com/ I have listened to the CD's and we do some of the stuff. Hard to follow anything 100% hell even 50%, but some of the stuff is pretty good. All about setting consequences and having them choose. "You can get to the car now, or I will take you in one minute?" The problem is in the follwo up. You need to be consistent in picking them up and taking them to the car or whatever. Everyone is different, I know that but some of the stuff may help.
A lot of solid advice here, Brisket's is spot on. The only thing I wil add is this -- I have 3 little ones, ages 7, 5 and 3 -- and a couple of things become abundantly clear having seen 3 unique children grow up to age 3 and two children up to age 5: - Phases. Yes, you hear it all the time, but is so freakin true. They go trough a time when they are aboslutely wonderful, and then seem to turn into a handful (shitheads) seemingly overnight, and vice versa. My 7 year old is just coming out of a shithead phase, and progressing nicely. My 5 year old is a model citizen of late. My 3 year old is in absoulte shithead mode. It is how you react through these phases, as Brisket mentions, that is important. You have some great suggestions on this thread, see it through and take heart. - No blanket discipline philosiphy has been successful. Every one of my children react to differently to various disciplinary approaches. Nothing seemed to phase my 7 year old that much in some of his worst stretches. Well, now he has developed a liking for video games. Now I got him ;-) -- taking that away from him for 2 days or more hammers the pooint home. With my 3 year old, the threat of being put to bed or timeout in her room with the door closed usually suffices. She does not like that. The point is -- a tailored apporach that you will uncover if you keep looking can hopefully help. Early bed times and no sweets for a few days have also been pretty successful generic tactics.
A lot of good advice here, though I didn't read all of every single post. We had a nephew live with us briefly, until my sister got her act together. One thing that worked for us when he was acting up in school one time (and was rude to a teacher) was make him buy a flower for his teacher out of his allowance, then go to her and apologize in front of his class. That and being grounded from TV and video games for a week stopped any more acting up cold. Granted he was a couple of years older than 3 (he was 6 and in first grade), but I thought I'd mention it.
