The other day I wrote a super long post about the "relationship" im in right now. I deleted it because I figured no one wanted to read all that crap so I condensed it. Sometimes strangers on the internet can give you the best advice....so here goes my story. in 2008 I started at my current company. A hot young piece of *** fresh out of college started the same day as me. -We are good friends, but we both are in serious relationships. -2008, 2009 and 2010 I ask her out to happy hours and she always says no. After awhile I quit asking. We remain friends...but nothing more then someone you are just friendly with at the office. - After two whole years of being not only in the friend zone....but (even worse) the coworker friend zone she starts texting me, asking me to come drink with her....etc This is the fall of last year. -I finally ask her out on a date and she obliges. I am shocked....I mean absolutely floored when after a night of drinking we start making out in my car, go back to my place and almost have sex. -The next few weeks at work we act like nothing has happened. At this point I really dont have strong feelings for this chick, Im just happy I nailed a hot piece of ***. The general feeling among guys is that once you are in the friendzone you can never get out.....but that aint necessarily true. - By the beggining of 2011 I start to realize that I have some serious feelings for this chick. At this point we've been good friends for 2.5 years who happened to have had one night where we got drunk and made out....not really that big a deal. - Im not going to bore you with all the details, but both of us dated other people during the summer of 2011. Neither of us have hung out with each other in about 6 months. We go out one night in late October and (about a year after our first hookup) I finally have sex with her. A few weeks later I have sex with her again....and pretty much everytime we go out.....we are going to hookup. Im picking her up from the airport tomorrow and I would bet odds that we will be *******. Here is the issue. I dont want to be friends with benefits....and I get the feeling that is all she is looking for right now.....a piece of dick....preferably from someone she knows and trust. In my younger days this would have been ideal....but Ive had friends with benefits before....and I realize once one of us meets someone serious.....we will probably have to cut that person out. I know this sound stupid since I've already had sex with her more then once.....but its obvious she still looks at me as a friend. What the best way to escape the friends with benefit zone?
It's up to her. Never pretend that there's anything you can do to influence that. You are what you are; moving out of the friend zone, if it happens at all, will be a function of her changing priorities rather than of your tactics. Don't waste the time you have with her trying to play some angle. Just enjoy being around someone you care about, and let her figure out what she wants to do.
You've described a lot but hadn't told us if you've actually brought up the elephant in the room. Have you discussed with her how you feel, your status going forward, etc? Kind of an important detail. I suspect you have not, given this post. Well, I suggest that if you truly do have very strong feelings, don't worry about scaring her off - talk to her about it. I dated a really flighty chick a few years before I met my wife. I can get into that depending on how you respond, but if this gal is really flaky, you're better off not pursuing once you lay down how you feel, and if she subsequently doesn't respond exactly like you want.
The short answer as I see it is this: she's not into you the way you want her to be. So, bang it and be content with that, or move on. You're over-thinking it.
I like mcbrett's advice the best. Don't ever underestimate the potential of bad self-esteem when it comes to women. She may WANT to have a long-term relationship with you, but because of low self-esteem or daddy issues won't LET herself get vulnerable to let it happen. If she knows that's what you want... it could possibly go there. Don't assume. Ask.
You need to tell her and be upfront about it. Whatever happens will happen. If she reacts like you expect, then blow her off. Blowing her off might have the effect you want with her. And that's not playing games or anything; it tells her this is how things are gonna be with you, and if she misses you, she will come back, believe me. Inevitably, in one form or another, she'll come back, and you can decide how to handle that at that time. But you need to talk to her, anticipate a rebuff, and blow her off. I know why you're delaying talking to her about it. Rhymes with "sass." I know that's fun and all, but the more involved you get, the more difficult it will be to extract yourself from the situation if she rebuffs you.
There’s another thing you could do—this is a bit of gamesmanship that I’m not a fan of, but it does tend to reveal some things: back off. Wait a day or two before returning her call. Decline an invitation to hook up once in a while because you have something else to do. Go out with someone else. The point is that women like a challenge too. If you are too easily available and appear to have no other options, she may perceive you as uninteresting—or worse, weak and clingy. Also, after having sex, tell her she’s definitely in your top 5 of favorite lays. She will wonder what the other four did. Trust me on this.
Get her pregnant. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well done. This made me laugh out loud Me too.. Twice. Good luck NB...
Visualize the WIFE you want to have, that you can rely on and trust, can communicate with and understand. It's pretty obvious this isn't the girl; even if she got all dreamy about you some weekend and said she'd marry you, you'd be in a world of hurt in the long run. The advice you are getting is funny, but not really very good. Forget this girl, think about what you really want, and work toward getting that. As a happily married guy, I probably speak for that group when I say that I'll put my committed relationship up against your "easy, free" stuff every day. Do you want to play in the D-league or the NBA? The best girls don't act anything like this girl. Think long term, not short term. There's a million pretty girls; forget this one.
Yeah- I didn't want to be rude either- but I wouldn't marry this chick at all. I'd just bone her until I found someone better. She doesn't exactly seem like the kinda girl you bring home to mom.
Nice post VY. Great points (as well as McBrett before more background was provided). I think moving along is the right move. She will be back, believe me. If you are looking for a real relationship, you want someone who is emotionally connected at the outset. You want someone who is willing to emotionally put themselves out there. What you are describing sounds like someone who is emotionally closed off. As relationship will end poorly one way or another.
She may be emotionally closed off, but everyone has issues. And the underlying problem may be anything from minor to unsolvable. It may resolve on its own or it may take time or it may not ever happen. With that said, no one in this world is perfect, and you have to pick and choose what is important to you.
Yeah- as tough as marriage can be, and it is friggin tough at times- I'd take it over the drama and pain of dating. I had fun dating too- but with the wrong women
