Background-My parents strongly believe in education and are willing to fully support their kids while they are in school. When he was 18 my brother went to a large, out of state, public university. He made all D's and F's and was put on academic probation. My parents made live at home and attend classes at HCC. He made straight A's and transferred to UH. He attended classes for 1 semester at UH. He dropped out and did not tell my parents. They continued to support him and did not find out the truth until 3 years later when he was supposed to graduate. Again, my parents made live at home and attend classes at HCC. He made straight A's and transferred back to UH. He took classes this past semester and was put on academic probation. My parents have cut him off and he is now working at a restaurant. My parents are hopeful that one semester in the real world will encourage him to go back to school and work hard to get a degree and a career. Even if he does go back he won't receive an undergraduate degree until he is 27. I am doubtful. My brother has no direcetion in life. All he cares about is drinking beer, watching football, and playing nintendo and poker with his buddies. I think he can can make enough money to pay rent and buy beer he won't care to go back school. It is hard for me to understand him. I have always been personally driven to work hard and succeed in both school and my career.When I was his age I was half way through law school. I have given him advice throughout these events but he never listens to me. I am very hopeless about the situation and think I am going to give up on him and not try anymore to give him advice. Has anyone gone through a similar circumstance? Can he change or is it too late?
you and i think alot alike. except you care enough to post this situation to ask for help. if he hasnt listened to you yet, he isnt going to start when you relay any advice you pick up here. some people just dont get it. they lack the maturity i think. no, its not too late for him to change, but he will have to do it on his own time. learning from his mistakes.
Some people are just lost causes. I went through this when I was younger (High school). All I cared about was drinking and partying with friends. Then when people were talking about where they were going to schoo,l I looked at my state and said **** I am screw up. I decided to take classes at ACC and try to get into UT. Well I did just that and now have a degree / career and am relatively happy with my life. The point is that there is really nothing you can do except be supportive when he decides to take the correct path. Something has to click in his mind that makes him take a step back and want to make something of his life, but you and your parents can't show him that. Cutting him off was a good choice, my mom did this to me and I was forced to live with a family that I wanted to make proud of me. Just hang in there and continue to be supportive, but at the same time let him know that he needs to look at the big picture and what he is going to do with his life. Just my 2 cents
sometimes you have to understand that your values (education) and his may not be the same. not everyone is supposed to graduate college.... no matter how illogical that may seem to you.
Honestly, you need to accept your brother for who he is. Not everyone is cracked up to go to college. Just because he lives a different sort of life than you and your parents envisioned for him, doesn’t mean his life isn’t worth living. It’s his life and if he’s supporting himself and not mooching off anyone, there isn’t any reason to judge him for a lack of academic success. To encourage you though, my parents are like yours – completely supportive of education. My sister and I have graduate degrees, but our brother chased girls instead of focusing on school. After about three schools, he finally dropped out completely and followed a girl to a small town where he ended up working at Wal-Mart. Meanwhile my brother's friend from high school and first college roommate stayed in school, graduated and got a great professional job. Shortly thereafter, my brother went back to school full time, graduated and joined the professional ranks himself. I guarantee you that it wasn’t the example of my sister or me, nor my parents’ pressure that motivated my brother. If anything, my parents’ expectations grated on him. And my sister is a doctor, so it’s not like he could aspire to keep up. He had to find his own internal motivation, and I think it was watching his peer bypass him in a big way.
I have a good friend that went to college for a while before dropping out and drinking beer for three years. He is plenty smart enough and his parents would pay for it all. After doing nothing other just enough to get by for three years, he is going back to school. It took watching all of his friends graduating for him to wake up.
I've had similar experiences, both with myself and my brother. Previous posters have nailed it on the head, the only person that can make a change is him. Until the light bulb goes off in his own head that he wants to change his life, there is absolutely nothing that you or your parents can do. All the advice and lectures in the world won't do any good, and in fact might push him further away. The only thing you can do is be supportive and let him know you are there for him. You have to let him live his life and learn from his own mistakes. The one thing you can never do is give up on him. Everybody can change, whether it be tomorrow or 20 years from now. Like was said earlier, if he is happy and able to support himself, what's the problem? Just because he is not living the model life that your parents wanted him to does not make him a failure. You can lead a perfectly happy and successful life without a college degree. Different strokes for different folks.
If he ever goes back to school, it should not be at UH. Seriously, it's up to your brother to get his act together and he'll know when. I did the same kind of thing during my college years (7 different schools, many semesters on probation, and 1 dismissal) until I graduated at 25. I was 21 and living at home when my mom invited a Marine recruiter to the house. I got the message. I went back to school and despite a few minor setbacks, earned my degree. After that, I proceeded to earn a Master's degree and am now working on a Ph.D.
Just continue to be a good role model. Sooner or later he will have to decide what he wants to do. At least he's not on hardcore drugs or something
I have a gerat friend -- families have been friends since before we were born. He's a few years younger than I am. College didn't work out so well for him the first time he tried it -- partying, girls, and ******* up on an epic level. Massive screw up. Dad said to straighten up. Kid joined the navy. Being around the typical navy enlisted men for four years convinced my friend that oh, I AM a pretty sharp guy. Friend got out of the navy, went to work in the old man's business, and finished school over time. He is now quite successful, savvy, and has the wisdom that came from screwing up and seeing the "other side" (low-end enlisted men who were going to be deck swabbers for life, and may have been underqualified for that). Let him live. Let him fail. If he doesn't like failure, he'll find a way to not fail anymore. If he does like failure . . . well, then he's destined to be a failure. It's his life, and his lessons. You can't learn them for him.
There's a decent possibility that depression is involved. If he can make good grades, even at a community college, then he can handle school. But he might not have the will inside. There could be plenty of reasons for that. Even if he isn't a "college" person, no one really wants to work at a restaurant (unless they own it) for 30 to 50 years while playing video games. (An escape as consuming as drug or alcohol addiction.) There's a possibility that he'll never really be happy (it happens), but you should do what you can to find (1) A mentor and/or (2) Therapy for the guy. Maybe even taking those tests to find out what you would be interested in doing in life. (This was recommended on another board.) Working at a restaurant can be a black hole. You make enough to get by and you always seem to find someone kind of like you coming through the restaurant working there for 1 month or 5 years. It is usually a dead end that leaves to further depression. Mentor and/or Therapy. Those are suggestions. (Your parents bitching isn't going to do anything.)
Restaurant people make cash tips and it's relatively easy for them to pick up an extra shift when they need money. They also tend to party together after their shift into the wee hours. So a different "job" might help him be more disciplined in school.
You can't live someone else's life for them. Financial and career success isn't as important to him. Probably a bad choice on his part, but it is his choice to make. Accept him for who he is and you will be happier. Maybe someday a girl or a car or something will jar him out of it. If then he asks for real advice then, give it to him. Sounds to me like you haven't been giving advice as much as prodding him to get going. Give up on that. He is a grownup now. treat him like one.
Thanks for all the replies. One of the things that bothers me the most about this was that he lied to me and my parents continually for 3 years that he was attending class when he had really dropped out. It ruined any credibility that he had with me. I would never recommend him to anyone that I personally know to work for them. It is really hard for me to get over the continual deception and believe anything he says about anything. The only advice I gave him in the past was just to get his degree and then do whatever him wants after that. I explained that just because you major in one area doesn't mean you have to work in it after you graduate. My parents really wanted him to do accounting/business and I told him of all kinds of alternative careers that he could have outside of those fields once he graduated. I think he would like to have a girlfriend (and hopefully get married one day). I don't think any girl who has her life together (and who could possibly be a good influence) would be interested in him.
Other guys hit the nail on the head. It's seeing his peers pass him by that's going to get him on tract. I had a similar, though not as prolonged, situation as your brother and it was realizing that I was way the f**k behind my friends and just out and out shame that got me back on the ball. Everyone has their own timetable for when they are going to at least strive to reach their potential. Your family is much like mine so the foundation is there and the lessons that he will eventually revert back to are there for him to use as a launch point. Also whoever mentioned the depression angle could also be on to something. I suffered through it to some extent and a lot of times it was the feeling of being totally overwhelmed and the sheer awe of trying to make a comeback when I was way behind in school work that led to my bouts. Anyway hope this gives you hope.
foxy....did he lie about other stuff or just school? if it's just school give him another chance as he was likely doing that out of embarrassment. it's no excuse but I doubt he did that to be malicious you never know what amazing things he might do and be in the future when he decides to get engaged in his life and his families.
Be supportive, not pushy. But not a pushover either. Also it's possible to graduate in your late 20s, have a family, earn 6 figures and drink beer, play poker and nintendo. I'm living proof. Growing up doesn't always mean growing old.
Your brother was basicall me two years ago. My uncle took me under his wing. I got to do whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard and went to school. I left that situation (foolishly) and went out on my own again. I meandered through college and really didn't care. I just hated school. Two critical things happened. 1.) Some friends graduated and started making money hand over fist. 2.) I hit a salary cap. I had stopped increasing my income and plateaued. this immediately made me think "oh, ****. How am I going to make more money." Plus, the people who got their degrees seemed to get more respect than I did from everyone. So a friend told me that if you want to finish college for any reason, make that reason to be to prove to everyone that you can actually finish something. I have now loaded up on a full load of heavy duty business courses. As soon as I did that, the Uncle that gave me the generous offer that I walked away from was the first person to pat me on the back for taking innitiative. I guess what I was trying to say is that if your brother is going to finish school, it will be reasons of his own. As soon as he does decide, though, he will need either you or your parents there to pat him on the back, not lecture him.
I appreciate all the responses. I am very proactive and it is hard for me to sit back and watch him do this but these posts have confirmed that this is the best response.
