Hi, My Name is LonghornLawyer

Discussion in 'Classics' started by LonghornLawyer, Oct 18, 2006.

  1. LonghornLawyer

    LonghornLawyer 500+ Posts

    And I'm an aggy misery addict.

    I suppose I should start at the beginning. I got in to aggy misery back in 1996. It started pretty harmlessly enough. I thought I could just go to the Texas game at Pyle Field and have a fine time with a few friends. "Everyone was doing it," I was told. But by the time Bryant Westbrook had finished leveling Leland McElroy, I was high as a kite. I couldn't control myself; I was out of my gourd. I tried to rush the field and when that didn't work, I just chanted "poor aggys" in the parking lot over and over again.

    But everything was still okay. It didn't interfere with my work. I was just a recreational user. I got another hit the following year. 51-15. That was the last year we gave aggy a ton of tickets in Austin (10,000? 15,000?). As they all left early in the fourth quarter--something they claim they never do--I and the rest of the students leaned over the edge of the east side stands to sing "poor aggys." The maroon throng could only hang their head in shame as they left out the north gates below us.

    But everything was still okay. 1997 and 1999 came and went. And though there were the occasionally humorous losses to the likes of Texas Tech and Kansas State, it was a welcome reprieve. I told myself that I could quit any time.

    But then we got to 2000, and I really started sliding downhill. A 43-17 blowout was followed by a 21-7 manhandling at Pyle Field. But soon that wasn't enough. Soon I needed the thrill of aggy misery brought on by embarrassments to Tech and Oklahoma. Once I tasted the misery of a Tech shutout and the consequent goalpost incident, I knew there was no going back. I had become an addict.

    It's not that it was entirely my fault, mind you. At least that's what I tell myself. My pusher--aggy--has to share a lot of the blame. Each year aggy became more and more delusional in their August predictions, and each year they got worse and worse. The result is that the aggy misery doses got higher and higher.

    By 2003, I was taking huge hits. The 77-0 loss to OU sent me to the hospital for three days. Apparently, I couldn't stop laughing uncontrollably. And the loss to Baylor nearly killed me. I wound up in a ditch by the side of the road mumbling "poor aggys." I was later told that I tried to dig up the grave of a dead dog, paint it green, and leave it on the corps' parade grounds. I have no recollection of those events. But I kept having flashbacks for months. I could have sworn I saw a guy in a bear suit in the Texas student section more than a month after that game.

    By 2005, the normal losses just weren't doing it for me anymore. I needed the predictable losses to Tech, OU, and Texas just to get by. I needed ever bigger hits. But my new pusher--Fran--was there to give me my stuff with a home blowout at the hands of Iowa State. Seriously, Iowa State. That evil bastard knew just where to hit me to keep me coming back for more.

    I suppose I hit rock bottom last Saturday. I knew I needed a bit hit. The "moral defeat" to Army had been nice, but it only kept me going for a week or so. And the loss to Tech had just become mundane. So I eagerly anticipated the Missouri game. Surely Fran would deliver the hit of aggy misery that I so desperately craved.

    But from the first quarter, it didn't look good. I kept begging Fran to "please, just give me a taste." I tried to bribe him with Little Debbies. I even offered to suckle Mark Mangino's man-breasts for his sick voyeuristic pleasure. But he just slapped me in the face and deprived me of the aggy misery on which I had come to rely.

    I couldn't watch Sportscenter. Hell, I could barely even think about football. I have the jitters and my stomach clenches every time I even consider the possibility that aggy is 5-1. I know Fran will come back offering the good stuff next month. But I just don't think I can live like this any more.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. CardinD

    CardinD 25+ Posts

    The prognosis for you is not good.
    If you don't get help fast, you are almost sure to die of an overdose.
  3. Hayden_Horn

    Hayden_Horn 1,000+ Posts

  4. dang-str8

    dang-str8 1,000+ Posts

    We're here for you LL... It's a hard thing to battle. I've been fighting with it for many years now, and without the Hornfans support I might have ended up moving to College Station just to be close to it. Internet is my main source of it, but I'm hoping that with other's supoprt, I can cut down on it...

    Stay Strong. *pumps fist
  5. TxTower

    TxTower 25+ Posts

    The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Good luck LL. [​IMG]
  6. TrashMaster G

    TrashMaster G 250+ Posts

    Instant classic! Great stuff LL.
  7. homerX

    homerX 100+ Posts

    I found myself rooting for Aggy, just because I knew that it would skyrocket their optimism (not that it takes much) and would make their inevitable fall in subsequent weeks that much richer.

    Okie Lite has some real possibilities, but Baylor looks to be even better. Then the next three games should be BRUTAL!

    Hang in there, you don't have long to wait.
  8. aflatoon

    aflatoon 25+ Posts

    The 5-1 start is only setting them up for a massive disappointment towards the end of the season. I hope you're strong enough to take it.
  9. Bookman

    Bookman 1,000+ Posts

    LL, I kind of share your addiction, but I would never go so far as to offer to suckle Mangino's man-breasts. You're a junkie, and you need help.

    As for the Mizzou game, think of it this way -- sometimes you have go give up pleasure today for more pleasure tomorrow. With the Aggies' last win, it's going to make it harder to Fire Fran. And as long as Fran's around, there will always be Aggie losses in the future.
  10. OrangeRB

    OrangeRB 500+ Posts

    When I'm at work I try my best to keep my reading of HornFans on sort of an "even keel". Not after reading this...all my people were staring, wondering what I was laughing about!!! Great post.[​IMG]
  11. sinless1

    sinless1 500+ Posts


    Take out the profit motive, and we won't have pushers like FRAN taking advantage of our grads!!! [​IMG]
  12. Feloin

    Feloin 25+ Posts

    I too am an addict. My addiction also started when Westbrook leveled Letric Leland (Remember his Website? It was one of the first internet campaigns). I was in the stands with some of my aggy friends so I got to watch the misery first hand. I have been addicted to the misery pipe ever since.

    The game was actually '95 so your addiction started a year earlier and will be much more difficult to give up.
  13. RabidLonghorn

    RabidLonghorn 1,000+ Posts

    Forget legalizing drugs, make aggy misery legal.
  14. Fatcat Alum

    Fatcat Alum 100+ Posts

    Some people watch soaps or reality TV, some people read trashy celebrity tabloids, some people eat at KFC. Reading TexAgs after a loss is my guilty little pleasure in life.
  15. FirstTier

    FirstTier < 25 Posts

    Hello, my name is FirstTier and I too am a functioning aggy misery addict. ( I'm not really an "addict' per say as I have yet to lose a wife, children or car over this.)

    It all started around 1999. One day while watching Aggy on a national news talk show I heard the strangest things. "From the inside you can't explain it, and from the outside you can't understand it". The next thing I know I'm on the internet researching bizarre animal burial rituals and how to “quad” and “hump it”. Pretty soon I knew the lingo, “hullabaloo canek canek” and couldn’t get enough of that “old army” “red ***” high.

    I knew I needed to cut back when I found myself going to texags.com daily. When I'd sit down to the computer I'd get this rush of excitement just knowing in a couple of clicks I could be wallowing in pure ecstasy. But as we all know the good times wear off and pretty soon an article about an on campus “affirmative action bake sale” just doesn’t bring the joy it once did. Corps members shoveling **** onto the victorious half time band? Not enough. No, I’ve found a new story I’ve been getting my fix on lately but I’m not prepared to share it just yet. As many of us would like to recover from our twisted ways I will refrain for now.

    Yes LL, I’m a functioning addict but there is hope.
  16. Texanne

    Texanne 5,000+ Posts

    The 12 Suggested Steps of Aggy Misery Addicts Anonymous

    1. Admit you are powerless over aggy misery --that your life has become unmanageable.

    2. Believe that a Power greater than youself (Mack Brown) can restore you to sanity.

    3. Make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God (Mack Brown) as you understand Him.

    4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.

    5. Admit to God (Mack Brown), to yourself and to another human being the exact nature of your wrongs.

    6. Be entirely ready to have God (Mack Brown)remove all these defects of character.

    7. Humbly ask Him (Mack Brown) to remove your shortcomings.

    8. Make a list of all persons you have harmed, and be willing to make amends to them all.

    9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

    10. Continue to take personal inventory and when wrong promptly admit it.

    11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with God (Mack Brown), as you understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for you and the power to carry that out.

    12. Have a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps and carry this message to other sufferers of aggy misery addiction, and practice these principles in all your affairs.
  17. smwhorn

    smwhorn Guest

    Longhorn Lawyer:

    Surely there has to be some type of lawsuit you can file against someone for making you feel this way. I'm telli' ya, you can make munny on this deal.
  18. FWHORN

    FWHORN 5,000+ Posts

    In two weeks when they are 8-1 (exactly where they should be with the schedule they played) you will hear aggy delusion the likes of which is unrivaled in their sad little history. How they can make the BCS title game, how winning the Big XII is now a given and how Fran is the second coming of Vince Lombardi and Bear Bryant all wrapped in one. It makes their fall all the sweeter.
  19. disappearer

    disappearer < 25 Posts

    f'n classic [​IMG]

    in the words of reverend brown, "if loving aggy misery is wrong, i don't wanna be right!"
  20. mez2

    mez2 100+ Posts

    classic [​IMG][​IMG][​IMG]
  21. LonghornLawyer

    LonghornLawyer 500+ Posts

  22. Hayden_Horn

    Hayden_Horn 1,000+ Posts

    well, you gotta remember that even when aggy wins they lose.

    they grab their balls on national tv while lined up hip to ***.

    their delusion is increasing exponentially, and you should actually root for them to win until they are 8-1. because after that, your world is going to get rocked as their preconceived house of cards falls down around their nut-grabbin, dead dog worshippin asses.

    and when it happens this year, and it WILL happen, it will be one of the bigger hits of aggy misery you've ever taken. you might OD.
  23. LetDJLoose

    LetDJLoose 25+ Posts

    This is funny because it's true.
  24. led224

    led224 100+ Posts

    I recently became an aggy misery junkie. I looked forward all off season for them to go undefeated through the first part of the year. Looked forward to the fans delusions of winning the Big 12 South and going to a BCS bowl. Hushed wispers of a possible MNC. Then BOOM, the last four games of the year when the ags get absolutely crushed by the only real teams on their schedule. The close games and the Tech loss have reduced thier hopes somewhat (though AP's injury has raised them back up) but the end of the year meltdown should still provide enough aggy misery to carry us junkies through the off season. Hang in there LL, big misery is coming to TexAgs soon.

    Hook 'Em
  25. TManimal

    TManimal < 25 Posts

    i have the biggest **** eating grin ever...EXCELLENT LL

  26. FirstTier

    FirstTier < 25 Posts

    LL, the good stuff is deep in the heart of texags. I'm saving it for our T+1 celebration because tryptophan alone is never enough.

    Besides, we all need to cut down on texags so I've been getting my "fresh buzz" here:The Link kind of like methadone. Highlights:The Link
  27. SubliminalHorn

    SubliminalHorn 500+ Posts

    allsome. The Tech game this year was super sweeeet stuff. Seeing the aggy faces just knowing they were going to win, until....oops, Tech wins it at the end. Oh man, I think I blacked out for a week.
  28. DoubleHorn99_07

    DoubleHorn99_07 First Time Poster

    LL -
    It is most difficult (a) paying attention in Johanson's wills and (b) trying to avoid unwanted attention whilst laughing out loud when you post such things. You must seek help before you OD this Thanksgiving + 1!!
  29. TexasOwnzYou

    TexasOwnzYou 500+ Posts

    I'm an addict too then! [​IMG]
  30. hollisdude

    hollisdude 500+ Posts

    This has been truly inspirational. Thanks for sharing. Today, I just took my first step in what will be a long recovery ... I deleted texags from my Bookmarks and took them off my Firefox icon bar.

    I am poised over the "move to reycle bin" key that will forever rid me of my Goalpost Incident pictures. My hands are shaking. I've gotta have a cigarette and think this over.

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