I shall pump sunshine no more!

Discussion in 'Classics' started by 12thStudStan, Sep 24, 2003.

  1. 12thStudStan

    12thStudStan 250+ Posts

    A few of you may remember me from way back when I posted with more regularity about all that was good with Longhorn football. With the exception of three out of the last four head coaches at the university, I have remained a staunch supporter of our program and its leadership. After reading and analyzing Mack Browns post-game press conference transcripts, however, I cannot ignore what has been revealed to me about the true intentions of this man that is the head coach of my beloved university.I thought I would never say this having held my hook-em horns high as an eagle soars for all of my life, but here it is.I shall pump sunshine no more!I admit that I had to read it a few times before it became clear what Mack was really saying, but make no mistake about it, we are in deep doo-doo on this one my friends. We are talking a hell hole of Mackovician proportions. Here are some of the quotations from the press conference followed by the coach speak translation and commentary.Mack Brown: “It (Reliant) is probably one of the best places in America to play football.”

    Coach Speak Translation: Darrell K. Royal Memorial stadium sucks.

    Notice that there is not a single mention of the superiority of DKR as the premium football venue in the world. That’s just pure and simple blasphemy I tell you, not to mention blatant corporate *** kissing! I am also inclined to think that this was also a backhanded insult to Coach Royal, the man himself, but I will remain objective and give Mack the benefit of the doubt that his comments relate to the stadium only.

    Mack Brown: “That's the balance we want, the play selection we want, and that's who we want to be.”

    Coach Speak Translation: Shut the hell up, you impotent fools. You can’t make us do diddly squat. I am the Mack Daddy and you are my *****!

    Very clear statement with no room for misinterpretation here, but why must he insult our manhood? The man is ruthless.

    Mack Brown: “The loss at home was such a shock for them that they didn't know what to say or how to act.”

    Coach Speak Translation: The players are puppets and I am their evil puppet master.

    It is truly saddening to see fine young athletic talent transformed into Borg-like robotic pawns. It is the same type of manipulative enslavement that shackles Gregg Davis and prevents him from performing his magic unrestrained.

    Mack Brown: “What we have found is that we are expected to win every week.”

    Coach Speak Translation: We are on to you.

    He knows more about us than you think. From horndfl’s coulrophobia to all the 3:16 posters proclivity towards all things anal and their resulting gaycial nightmares, Mack knows our weaknesses and will stop at nothing to exploit them. He’s got Sally constantly lurking Hornfans.com updating his database on all of us. Watch your back.

    Mack Brown: “After halftime, we decided to work more on the running game and getting some of the younger guys in on defense.”

    Coach Speak Translation: We are burning every dang redshirt on the roster and leave the cupboard bare if you have the balls to can us.

    Mack has drawn the line in the sand and is just daring us to take him on. You have to respect the confident ambition, yet ruthless nature of this man. He doesn’t care if the young players get injured, either. He had Vincent Young taking all kinds of chances in the very first game against NM State. After Vince was running around like a gut shot deer, the Fox SW announcer said that he had "jackhammer feet." I’m not a podiatrist, but that doesn’t sound too good for Vince.

    Mack Brown: “It (loss at home) really bothered them and I think they will come out and give a great performance on Saturday.” Coach Speak Translation: I don’t care that we lost at home. I get paid either way and Sally is way faster at cooking me up some breakfast than those immigrant assclowns at the Ramada or Holiday Inn are.Notice the use of “them” and “they” rather than “us” and “we”. Mack Brown and his coaching cronies don’t care that we lost at home. This team clearly lacks leadership with a championship vision.

    Mack Brown: “People talking is not a bad thing because it means that there is a lot of interest, but there is so much information out there that is not true and it could affect the minds of our players.”

    Coach Speak Translation: You can talk amongst yourselves, but we will not allow you to deprogram our players by writing about us on Hornfans.com for the world to see. We will take you down and desecrate your grave with the collective excess bodily fluids of my entire coaching staff.

    Whoa, settle down big boy! This is where he specifically targets Hornfans.

    Mack Brown: “If you go back and study our last eight games, four of them have come down to seven or less points.”

    Coach Speak Translation: Shut down Hornfans completely!

    Here is where he steps over the line. Mack is a sly one and almost had me going with this one. Noticing that there is no real point to his literal statement, I decided to focus on the arbitrary usage of the numbers 8, 4 and 7. I figure that Mack is facing the press, so I first flipped the numbers to reveal 7 4 8. Are you following me so far? Ok, now by adding the 7 and the 4 we get 11. Then I read down to the 11th sentence of his press conference transcript. Then we must factor in the 8, and here is where some of the less gifted analytical minds might stumble. He said “last eight games”, so the 8 is really a negative and just as the gridiron 100 yards is evenly divided, we must divide the –8 into –4 and –4. We then apply it to the sentence by removing the first four and last four words of the sentence. What is left are the chilling words, “shut it down completely”
    . There is no question what he is referring to when he says “it”
    . That’s right, Mack intends to shut down Hornfans completely and open a forum on mackbrown.com with Bill Little as the moderator.

    So there you go, plain as day. I urge you not to stand idly by while our burnt orange world is facing this menacing force.

    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. SL Xpress

    SL Xpress 500+ Posts


    Heading to a classics section in a neighborhood near you, soon.
  3. Durkee

    Durkee 500+ Posts

  4. hellbunny

    hellbunny 100+ Posts

    Dear Lord... pity my stomach... the pain, the pain.
  5. WhoooTex

    WhoooTex 100+ Posts

    LOL, ******* awesome. Great post.
  6. Vasherized

    Vasherized 25+ Posts

    Excellent romp there Stan.

    Surely the Borg in College Station has taken notice of what we got brewing here.
  7. Nordberg

    Nordberg 1,000+ Posts

    That was scrumtrulescent.
  8. Sgt. Longhorn

    Sgt. Longhorn 100+ Posts

    I sure wish you would post more often. I miss these masterpieces.
  9. BiggUggly

    BiggUggly < 25 Posts

    Enjoyed reading the post, however, I would suggest you contact Beowulf for a prescription of Valium.
  10. BiggUggly

    BiggUggly < 25 Posts

    By the way, just where did you find those mushrooms?
  11. MOPO

    MOPO < 25 Posts

    LMAO! Thanks. [​IMG]

    Look! I'm using those smiley faces!
  12. TXHookem

    TXHookem 1,000+ Posts

    LOL! It's been far too long... thanks for allowing us to reenter your world.
  13. BAP

    BAP < 25 Posts

    That may be the funniest post I have ever read.[​IMG]
  14. Mesohorny

    Mesohorny 1,000+ Posts

    Stan is still the man.
  15. utstudboy

    utstudboy 250+ Posts

  16. NatChampUT

    NatChampUT 100+ Posts

  17. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    lol Hollisdude.

    Why is it that every single time someone makes an obviously sarcastic post, somebody takes it seriously?
  18. TXHookem

    TXHookem 1,000+ Posts

    What may be equally funny are the people who are taking this message seriously. Some of you should spend more time in the Classics board...
    The Link
    The Link
  19. VacantlyOccupied

    VacantlyOccupied 500+ Posts

    Double-lock your doors tonight, Stan. You've revealed too much, and now you may be getting a late-night visit from some of Bill Little's henchmen.
  20. UTEX69

    UTEX69 250+ Posts

    Take 2 advils and call me in the morning...

    You will be blowing sunshine outa your *** when Texas beats ou[​IMG][​IMG]
  21. Fat_Bastard

    Fat_Bastard 25+ Posts

  22. MeaHorn

    MeaHorn 500+ Posts

    LOL... good **** Stan...
  23. lilMAC

    lilMAC 25+ Posts

  24. Gus McCrea

    Gus McCrea 25+ Posts


  25. skihorn

    skihorn < 25 Posts

    Absolute greatness!!!!!
  26. TornJock

    TornJock 100+ Posts

    [billmurrayvoice]It is alive[billmurrayvoice/].[​IMG][​IMG]

    Marvelous, Stan.

  27. LocoGringos

    LocoGringos 250+ Posts

    The retribution ye shall reap for the disclosure of these most closely guarded of secrets shall make the vengence of the Knights Templar themselves seem like unto mere child's play....

  28. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    LMAO - move this to the classic board!!
  29. ProdigalHorn

    ProdigalHorn 10,000+ Posts

    Well done, as usual!
  30. warrior

    warrior 2,500+ Posts

    Great job of translating Stan[​IMG]

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