Internet Potpourri: NU, OU, AM

Discussion in 'Classics' started by Scipio Tex, Aug 20, 2002.

  1. Scipio Tex

    Scipio Tex 100+ Posts

    I've decided to disseminate some of the primary thoughts that I've come across on the boards of those we call nemesis. Each fan subculture is pecuilar and interesting in their own way.Nebraska

    Going to their boards right now is strange. The quiet confidence of Husker Red is as shaky as Katherine Hepburn on spin cycle. Once again, the Husker program is in the preseason delivery room and instead of her usual fare of water aerobics and pre-natal vitamins, Mama Husker, at least to hear their fans tell it, has been smoking crack and drinking rubbing alcohol, that is when she's not taking kicks in the stomach from her Thai-boxing pimp, Mr. Rollo. As an interested spectator, you're wondering what abomination Mama Husker is giving birth to in 2002. Should we even hand out cigars?

    Look, it's going to be a pretty ******* ugly kid, but it's going to have all of its limbs. Husker fans are like a paranoid grandma. When it's 60 degrees, they want you to wear a scarf. If you jog, they caution you about the dangers of drunken teenagers careening into you with their monster trucks. She's always convinced she has West Nile Virus.

    Nebraska will sort of suck. Their secondary won't be able to cover anyone. They'll look slow. The OL will be relatively soft. But they won't play more than four teams who can exploit that fact in their 43 game regular season. And they'll proably beat one of them anyway.

    So they'll probably go to the Alamo Bowl.

    Poor Huskers. Hand out the cigars. Just make sure they're bubble gum.

    A&M


    There is a persistent belief on the Aggie boards and amongst the Aggie cognoscenti (such as they are) that this is the greatest group of Aggie WR's in school history. It's one of those statements, like proclaiming triumphantly that you graduated magna cum laude from Kansas St, that makes others nod politely and stare at some imaginary distant object in hopes that you'll eventually leave them alone so they won't have to lay into you, disabusing you of your deluded world view.

    This claim is usually followed by a listing of several warm bodies with receiver eligible numbers and helpful commentary like "the insanely tall SIX FOOT FOUR Jesse Woods!" and "Bethel Johnson, who is no longer slowed by superfluous internal organs!" The worst is when they say a simple name as if it speaks for itself, usually accompanied by an unspoken raised eyebrow hoping to convey the deep meaning of what they just told you. Our starter is...... (pregnant pause).... Jamar Taylor. Ja-mar Tay-lor. (Raised eyebrow)

    Yes, I know who Jamar Taylor is. When he played for us we called him Brandon Healy. Tough if he catches it on the run and your secondary is Kansas. Seperates about as often as Siamese Twins. Runs with his *** set at an odd upright angle like a Cape Horn Buffalo. Laments the day that he started getting covered by brothers named LaJarametrious rather than guys in the Valley called Chuy. A serviceable college WR who would be sitting proudly at #5 on our depth chart, fetching Sloan Thomas Gatorade and rubbing Roy Williams' shoulders and asking him "We feelin' good today, boss?"

    Get that deluded **** out here.

    OU


    An interesting fan base to say the least. One very much feeling their oats. Three years ago you couldn't find an OU fan on the internet without the help of the Mossad, but now you can't go to the boards of some out of conference team we play in 2008 without finding some OU goober talking **** about Tex-*** and the Whorns. Clever.

    When Stoops isn't being hailed as one of the great intellects since the Renaissance, they spend much of their time celebrating their coaching staff's legendary toughness. Practice reports which depict an OU coach grabbing a loafer and repeatedly kicking extra points into his nuts while his teammates scream "*****!" in his ear are met with unrestrained glee, followed by nostalgia. "By God, I remember when my head coach rammed a sprinkler head in my anus! I'd been loafing, by God. Sometimes a boy needs direction. I sure got it too. Especially when the sprinkler head rewinded at the end of the cycle."Obviously, OU will have a damn good team. Unlike the Aggies, they'll discuss their own deficiencies with some degree of honesty, particuarly on the OL. However, most of their solutions to poor play usually end with proposing that Kevin Wilson repeatedly stab some lollygaggin' O-lineman in the eye with a dinner fork. This is a violent, reactionary bunch. I'm starting to think that one good ventriloquist among our walk-ons in the tunnel in Dallas would give us just the edge we need:Harris Imitator: Let's get outta dis tunnel. I'm a'scared of the errr uhhh dark and whatnot.

    Coach Stoops
    : Is that you Tommie Harris? -- you ******* coward. I will drive a first down marker through your yellow cowardly tongue with a Shake It Up snow globe if you say another word.

    Harris Imitator
    : Oooo weeee coach! I'm tryin'.....I so a'scared!

    Coach Stoops
    : That's it. You're benched. Piece of ****. Coach Shipp is going to Taser you so you don't contaminate anyone else with your stinking cowardice. Now everyone get their minds on the game......

    Woolfolk Imitator
    : Ooooooooo Lawdy! A mouse in da tunnel! A mouse in da tunnel! Goodness gracious me, a mouse in da tunnel! Oooooo Lawdy, weeza gonna die!

    Anyway, that's my hope.

    Given my choice, I'd probably most want to hang out with the NU fans. They're pleasant and I imagine that most of them smell like Vix Vapo-Rub.

    Hook 'em.
     
  2. Trips Left

    Trips Left < 25 Posts

    Pure genius.
     
  3. XOVER

    XOVER 500+ Posts

    Is this your Ted Danzen routine?

    No matter -- totally hilarious.
     
  4. nipple

    nipple < 25 Posts

    "Yes, I know who Jamar Taylor is. When he played for us we called him Brandon Healy. Tough if he catches it on the run and your secondary is Kansas. Seperates about as often as Siamese Twins. Runs with his *** set at an odd upright angle like a Cape Horn Buffalo. Laments the day that he started getting covered by brothers named LaJarametrious rather than guys in the Valley called Chuy. A serviceable college WR who would be sitting proudly at #5 on our depth chart, fetching Sloan Thomas Gatorade and rubbing Roy Williams' shoulders and asking him "We feelin' good today, boss?" "

    The funniest thing I have ever read.
     
  5. SizzleChest

    SizzleChest 25+ Posts

    A Cape Horn Buffalo runs like it does because it fears an anal rendering from a drunken, cult-soaked teenager set loose from Fish camp.
     
  6. HornsHornsHorns

    HornsHornsHorns 500+ Posts

    30 minute O/U until we see this on the Classic Posts board.
     
  7. radmd

    radmd First Time Poster

    send this to the instant classics. reverse cycle of the sprinkler--pure comedy.
     
  8. chgotex

    chgotex < 25 Posts

    just another day in the park for Old Scipio-

    Man your posts are too few and far between!
     
  9. scally

    scally 100+ Posts

    well said.
     
  10. TexanByChoice

    TexanByChoice 250+ Posts

    Amen brother. Instant classic.
     
  11. I am a mess of oozing fluid!

    I was laughing so hard that I burped, sneezed, and farted at the same time!!!

    Excellent post!!!
     
  12. bclarke

    bclarke 25+ Posts

    How very hoydenish.
     
  13. GeeCeeZ

    GeeCeeZ 25+ Posts

    Why do you pick on Brandon Healy in your soon to be classic? I've seen Brandon, and I've seen Jamar, and believe me senator, you're no Brandon Healy... oops, maybe this was meant for the West Mall board.
     
  14. texaus

    texaus 100+ Posts

    that was funny. good stuff.

    Hook 'Em
     
  15. Longhorn Al

    Longhorn Al 500+ Posts

    I needed this. This is the funniest post I've seen in a LONG time. Thanks.
     
  16. OklahomaHorn

    OklahomaHorn First Time Poster

    I can't stop laughing.
     
  17. ninerhorn

    ninerhorn 100+ Posts

    That was brilliant.


    hook'em
     
  18. LocoGringos

    LocoGringos 250+ Posts


     
  19. WhoooTex

    WhoooTex 100+ Posts

    My God, I have a new signature. Great post, Scipio, hilarious.
     
  20. FirstTier

    FirstTier < 25 Posts

    greatness

     
  21. Turn the page, Fred

    Turn the page, Fred < 25 Posts

  22. OrangeWarrior

    OrangeWarrior 25+ Posts

    Great laugh on a Tuesday morning. You the man Scip.
     
  23. LevanderWilliams

    LevanderWilliams < 25 Posts

  24. longhornjoe

    longhornjoe 25+ Posts

    That might be the funniest thing I've ever read.
     
  25. mileslong

    mileslong 25+ Posts

  26. Lidig8r

    Lidig8r 250+ Posts

    We stand in the presence of... greatness
     
  27. HecklesAclown

    HecklesAclown < 25 Posts

    We humble ourselves in your presence. I think.
     
  28. Sharpe

    Sharpe < 25 Posts

    We're not worthy!
     
  29. UTEE

    UTEE 1,000+ Posts

    Hilarious. We want more. How about one per weekday morning until our first game. What do you say, Scip?
     
  30. jkhombre

    jkhombre 25+ Posts

    seriously, best post ever
     

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