jokes for yer big brain

Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by Dionysus, Jun 28, 2013.

  1. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, and the statistician yells, “We got him!”

    (That last one is funny because it’s mean.)

    Apologies in advance.
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    Last edited: Feb 17, 2015
  2. OldHippie

    OldHippie 2,500+ Posts

    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  3. Texanne

    Texanne 5,000+ Posts

  4. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

  5. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

    A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
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  6. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
  7. Crockett

    Crockett 5,000+ Posts

    What did the circus owner say when the human cannonball retired?

    Where am i going to find a man of your caliber?
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    Last edited: Mar 31, 2015
  8. l00p

    l00p 10,000+ Posts

    Did you hear about the Zen Buddhist who ordered a pizza for delivery?

    He wanted it to be one with everything.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    After the Buddhist paid the pizza delivery guy he asked for his change.

    Delivery guy says: change only comes from within.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

    He's 0K now.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

    “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.

    “German,” she replies.


    “No, just here for a few days.”
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  12. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    Q: Why do KGB agents visit your house in groups of three?

    A: One to read, one to write and another to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.
    • Like Like x 2
  13. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    Q: How may Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  14. OldHippie

    OldHippie 2,500+ Posts

    The redshift Doppler effect is obvious every night. The lights of approaching cars are white, while the lights of cars moving away are red.
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  15. l00p

    l00p 10,000+ Posts

    Wow, Dio is in a zone. I sure set you up nicely with one in the wheelhouse.
  16. The Eyes of Texas

    The Eyes of Texas 500+ Posts

    A proton walls into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks "Are you sure you want a beer? " The proton replies "I'm positive. "
    • Like Like x 1
  17. OldHippie

    OldHippie 2,500+ Posts

    A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a beer costs. The bartender says "For you there's no charge."
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  18. Texanne

    Texanne 5,000+ Posts

    Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
    A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.

    A photon walks into a hotel lobby, The clerk asks him if he has luggage. "No," he replies, "I'm traveling light."
    • Like Like x 2
  19. SunBurntOrange

    SunBurntOrange 500+ Posts

    An electrical engineer, a structural engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing what kind of engineer God must have been.

    Electrical engineer: “God must have been an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and how it fires impulses through the body to beat the heart and stimulate the brain and create sensations of pain and pleasure that make up the senses. Yes, God must have been an electrical engineer.

    Structural Engineer: “Hogwash! God must have been a structural engineer. Look at the skeletal system with its hundreds of bones and joints and plates, all moving in perfect unison to support and move the body and provide resistance to outside forces while protecting the inside organs. Yes, God must have been a structural engineer”.

    Civil Engineer (laughing under his breath): You are both fools! God was without doubt a civil engineer. Who else would run a sanitary sewer line right through the middle of a playground”.
    • Like Like x 1
  20. EasternHorn

    EasternHorn 500+ Posts

    I feel like I am in an episode of Big Bang Theory...which is good.
  21. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

    Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

    A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position
  22. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    Q: What do you call two crows on a branch?

    A: Attempted murder.
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  23. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

    When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg
    • Funny Funny x 1
  24. Texanne

    Texanne 5,000+ Posts

    Keep 'em coming, boyzo ...
  25. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

    Have you heard the one about the sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.
  26. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

    • Gravity brings me down

    • Neutrinos have bad breadth

    Q. What do you get when you mix a charmed blue quark, a red top quark, and a green one that's gone a little strange?

    A. I don't know but I'm getting a hadron just thinking about it.
  27. Dionysus

    Dionysus Admin Admin

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  28. Texanne

    Texanne 5,000+ Posts

    When I was a news reporter in Temple, I had two particularly skanky typos that frequently would infiltrate my writing:

    I covered the education beat, and I constantly would type, "The University of Mary Hardon-Baylor".

    I also covered the city government beat and therefore had to write about the city commission and various committees. I spent a lot of time correcting this lovely phrase: "The City Commission will conduct a pubic hairing ... "

    Pardon me, Texanne, ma'am, but your Freudian slip is showing.
    • Funny Funny x 3
  29. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

  30. uisge beatha

    uisge beatha 1,000+ Posts

    There are only 10 types of people
    Those who understand binary and those who don't

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