jokes for yer big brain

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, and the statistician yells, “We got him!”

(That last one is funny because it’s mean.)

Apologies in advance.

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

 

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

 

What did the circus owner say when the human cannonball retired?

Where am i going to find a man of your caliber?

 

Did you hear about the Zen Buddhist who ordered a pizza for delivery?

He wanted it to be one with everything.

 

After the Buddhist paid the pizza delivery guy he asked for his change.

Delivery guy says: change only comes from within.

 

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

 

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.

“German,” she replies.

“Occupation?”

“No, just here for a few days.”

 

Q: Why do KGB agents visit your house in groups of three?

A: One to read, one to write and another to keep an eye on the two dangerous intellectuals.

 

Q: How may Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the penis. I mean ladder.

 

The redshift Doppler effect is obvious every night. The lights of approaching cars are white, while the lights of cars moving away are red.

 

Wow, Dio is in a zone. I sure set you up nicely with one in the wheelhouse.

 

A proton walls into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks "Are you sure you want a beer? " The proton replies "I'm positive. "

 

A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a beer costs. The bartender says "For you there's no charge."

 

Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.

A photon walks into a hotel lobby, The clerk asks him if he has luggage. "No," he replies, "I'm traveling light."

 

An electrical engineer, a structural engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing what kind of engineer God must have been.

Electrical engineer: “God must have been an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and how it fires impulses through the body to beat the heart and stimulate the brain and create sensations of pain and pleasure that make up the senses. Yes, God must have been an electrical engineer.

Structural Engineer: “Hogwash! God must have been a structural engineer. Look at the skeletal system with its hundreds of bones and joints and plates, all moving in perfect unison to support and move the body and provide resistance to outside forces while protecting the inside organs. Yes, God must have been a structural engineer”.

Civil Engineer (laughing under his breath): You are both fools! God was without doubt a civil engineer. Who else would run a sanitary sewer line right through the middle of a playground”.

 

I feel like I am in an episode of Big Bang Theory...which is good.

 

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position

 

Q: What do you call two crows on a branch?

A: Attempted murder.

 

When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg

 

Keep 'em coming, boyzo ...

 

Have you heard the one about the sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you'll probably have to barium.

 

• Gravity brings me down

• Neutrinos have bad breadth



Q. What do you get when you mix a charmed blue quark, a red top quark, and a green one that's gone a little strange?

A. I don't know but I'm getting a hadron just thinking about it.

 

When I was a news reporter in Temple, I had two particularly skanky typos that frequently would infiltrate my writing:

I covered the education beat, and I constantly would type, "The University of Mary Hardon-Baylor".

I also covered the city government beat and therefore had to write about the city commission and various committees. I spent a lot of time correcting this lovely phrase: "The City Commission will conduct a pubic hairing ... "

Pardon me, Texanne, ma'am, but your Freudian slip is showing.

 

There are only 10 types of people
Those who understand binary and those who don't