jokes for yer big brain

Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by Dionysus, Jun 28, 2013.

  1. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

    I loved Steven Wright when I was a kid. One of my favorite lines went something like this, "I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now I can't find him". Another was, "The other day I bought some batteries, but they weren't included so I had to buy them again".
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  2. Vino Bevo

    Vino Bevo Wine - how classy people get drunk

    Me too, "Every once in a while I like to poke my head out the window, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellite photo".
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  3. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

    I'm going to name my next dog stay so I can say come here stay, come here stay. He'll really be confused.
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  4. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    More Steven Wright genius

    I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
    Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  5. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 10,000+ Posts

    What's another word for Thesaurus?
  6. mchammer

    mchammer 10,000+ Posts

    How do you say “como se dice” in English?
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  7. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 10,000+ Posts

    That's right.
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  8. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 10,000+ Posts

    There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her
    When she was good, she was very, very good.
    But when she was bad........
    She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.
    • Hot Hot x 1
    Last edited: May 6, 2021
  9. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 10,000+ Posts

    She kept it fat and plastered;
    And when the price of pork went up,
    She shot the little bastard.
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  10. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 10,000+ Posts

    Went up the hill
    To have a little fun.
    Stupid Jill forgot the pill
    And now they have a son.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  11. humahuma

    humahuma 500+ Posts

    Andrew Dice Clay

    Jack and Jill went up the hill each with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with two fifty.
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  12. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans. Maybe they’re just as good and we’re wasting time.

    - Mitch Hedberg
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  13. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 10,000+ Posts

    Four basic concepts I live by:

    1. To err is human, to forgive is Devine

    2. Neither a lender nor borrower be

    3. A penny saved is a penny earned

    4. A wise man does not piss into the wind
  14. The Eyes of Texas

    The Eyes of Texas 500+ Posts

    you forgot never shoot a large caliber man with a small caliber gun....
  15. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    A Longhorn, a Red Raider, and an Aggie walked into a busy bar. The bartender asked the Longhorn what he wanted.
    The Longhorn said "JD." The bartender poured him a glass of Jack Daniels and asked the Red Raider what he wanted.
    The Raider replied "CC." The bartender poured him a Canadian Club and asked the Aggie for his order.
    The Aggie figured he could use abbreviations like the Longhorn and the Raider, so he told the bartender "15."
    The bartender looked perplexed and asked "What on Earth is a 15?"
    The Aggie replied "7 and 7."
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  16. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    ^ this one really did make me lol
    • Agree Agree x 2
  17. Chop

    Chop 5,000+ Posts

    Doctor to patient: "Eat healthy; drink in moderation; and be happy--try to minimize stress."

    Patient drives home...

    Wife to patient: "What did the Doctor tell you to do?"

    Patient: "Eat, Drink, and Be Happy!"

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