jokes for yer big brain

HHD
but Groan

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was…God! I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”

 

Old McDonald got a promotion at the farm

His new title is CIEIO

 

If you get married in a church, you cantaloupe.

 

A local Indian restaurant is making employees sign a legal contract that they won't share the flatbread recipe. Just your standard naan disclosure agreement.

 

My grief counselor died in the middle of our session. I didn't even care. Guess she was pretty good.

 

A buddy of mine asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was. It was a total guess, but I was right.

 

now we're banging again

 

"I" am happy that you were correct.

 

I just don’t understand how some people have trouble falling asleep... I can do it with my eyes closed.

 

On their wedding night in the bridal suite, preparing for bed-
He - "Honey, I have a confession to make. I should have told you earlier, but you're going to find out soon enough."
She wonders with a worried look.
He - "I'm a golfaholic. It's golf all the time for me. Don't look for me on the weekends; I'll be playing golf. I watch the Golf Channel; I subscribe to all the golf magazines. I buy the new equipment when it comes out. When we take a vacation, it'll be a golf vacation. Just thought I should tell you now."
She breathes a sigh of relief. "I have a confession to make, too - I'm a hooker."
He - "No problem - we can weaken your grip and open your stance a bit..."

 

A guy is reading the want ads one day, looking for cars for sale. He stumbles across an ad that offers to sell a one-year-old Porsche 911 for $100! He thinks it's an obvious typo, but he dials the number and a woman answers. Conversation goes like this:
Guy - "$100 for a nearly-new 911? That's got to be a typo - what's the real price?"
Woman - "Not a typo - real price is $100."
Guy - "What's wrong with the car - is it wrecked or something? Engine destroyed?"
Woman - "No, it's in perfect condition, with only 5.000 miles on it."
Guy - "Why on Earth are you selling it for $100? It's got to be worth $100,000."
Woman - "My husband died recently - it was his car. In his will he directed that I sell the Porsche and gives the proceeds to his mistress."

 

I can't stand those metric advocates
Give them 30.48 cm and they'll take 1.609 km