jokes for yer big brain

Good! Math smack.

 

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s just impossible to put down.

 

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.

Wife: Is it a boy or a girl?

Logician: Yes.

 

An English prof tells his class that a double negative forms a positive and a double positive forms a positive and that although in some languages a double negative can still be a negative, there is no language in which a double positive forms a negative.

A student in the back (which is why I always sat in the back) pipes up and says "yeah, right."

 

a bartender in Port Aransas told me that Rene Descartes was in the bar earlier in the evening and I expressed an interest in meeting him. Bartender says that is impossible. He asked Descartes if he wanted a drink, Descartes said "I think not" and disappeared.

 

Too late to go back and edit now but here is what I meant to post:

 

Past, Present and Future walk into a bar: What was that like?

Pretty damn Tense

 

If you think about it, the invention of the shovel was truly ground breaking.

 

Although the invention of the vibrator created a lot of buzz too.

 

Then the spoon came along and that really caused a stir.

 

Sometime after that apathy was invented and by then I was like whatever.

 

The invention of corduroy pillows really made headlines though.

 

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

 

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.
"You mean a martini?", the bartender asks.
The Roman replied, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

 

Another Roman walks into a bar, hold up two fingers and says, "Five beers Please!"

 

The invention of the sword was really cutting edge technology.

 

What if Aunt Jemima is Mrs. Butterworth and her full name is Jemima Butterworth?

 

A woman walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a double entendre, please.” So he gives it to her.

 

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

 

Heterosexual sex and resulting pregnancy is basically a data transfer and 3d printing.

 

Online dating sites are the human analog to dogs sniffing each other's butt.

 

Did you hear about the egotistical cannibal who was full of himself?

 

In addition to watermelon there should be windmelon, firemelon and earthmelon.

The four elemelons.

 

did you hear about the dyslexic who walked into a bra?

 

Q: What do you call it when a woman is wearing a tank top and you can see some boobie through the arm hole?

A: Sleevage.

 

Q: What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

A: Tennish

 

I grabbed at some fog but mist

 

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

 

Dionysus,

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Really.