jokes for yer big brain

Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by Dionysus, Jun 28, 2013.

  1. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

    Wah wah waaaaaahhhhhhhh [​IMG]
  2. Dionysus

    Dionysus Cocky + Relaxed Admin

    The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
    • Like Like x 1
  3. BattleshipTexas

    BattleshipTexas 1,000+ Posts

  4. Dionysus

    Dionysus Cocky + Relaxed Admin

    If I use the bathroom where I’m not supposed to, did I void where prohibited?
  5. Dionysus

    Dionysus Cocky + Relaxed Admin

    Doctors can be so impatient. Especially pediatricians. They have very little patients.
    • Like Like x 1
  6. BurntOrangeOnly

    BurntOrangeOnly 500+ Posts

    Did you hear about the termite that walked in to a pub? He asked where's the bar tender?
  7. BurntOrangeOnly

    BurntOrangeOnly 500+ Posts

    A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican and says I want to be Pope. Incredulous, the Cardinals ask why.

    Because without me you can't have mass.
  8. Dionysus

    Dionysus Cocky + Relaxed Admin

    My zen master once told me “do the opposite of everything I say” so I didn’t.
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    I've only made one error in my life: it was the time I thought was I mistaken, but it turns out I wasn't.
  10. Dionysus

    Dionysus Cocky + Relaxed Admin

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius Strip?

    A: To get to the same side.
  11. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

    He pasta way. Doctors cannoli do so much.
  12. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

    Oh wow........just wow......
  13. MudHorn

    MudHorn Admin Moderator

    A Buddhist chips a tooth and so he goes to the dentist. The dentist goes to give him Novocaine but the Buddhist declines because he wants to transcend dental medication.
    • Like Like x 1
  14. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    Q: What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend after he proposed?

    A: Feyoncé
    • Winner Winner x 1
  15. Crockett

    Crockett 5,000+ Posts

    What did the bartender say to the horse?

    "Why the long face?"
    • Like Like x 2
  16. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    If you are ever in a cold room and you don’t have a jacket, go stand in the corner because corners are 90 degrees.
  17. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    Q: Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella?

    A: Fo drizzle
    • Like Like x 1
  18. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    I went to the doctor for hearing problems.

    He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

    I said yes, Homer is a fat guy and Marge has blue hair.
    • Like Like x 1
  19. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings

    1. It's a murderer
    2. It's the police telling me everyone is dead
    3. It's the book on positive thinking I ordered
  20. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    Haven't visited EF in a long time.

    So here is one:

    HF in TX finds magic lamp - he rubs it.
    Genie says what is your wish?
    Man says I hate flying- build me a road I can drive to Hawaii !

    Genie rubs chin... says very difficult logistics.
    Do you have 2nd wish I could grant instead?
    HF says grant me wisdom to figure out women!

    Genie says you want that road to HI 4 or 6 lane!!
    • Like Like x 1
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2017
  21. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    Reporter: Mrs. Clinton, is Harvey Weinstein as bad as Bill Clinton?

    Mrs. Clinton: pauses...

    Mrs. Clinton: Close, but no cigar!!
  22. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    Remind me later to post about prison joke.
  23. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life 5,000+ Posts

    Dear Tech Support,

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed, Desperate

    Dear Desperate,

    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

    Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

    But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

    Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

    These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

    Good Luck, Tech Support
    • Like Like x 1
  24. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    I once had a girlfriend say she was going to leave me because of my arrogance

    I said sure baby, don't let the door hit your *** on the way back in
    • Like Like x 2
  25. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    A man is taken to prison and on his first day is introduced to some fellow inmates on his cell block.

    He introduces himself and says he is very nervous and concerned about prison life.

    One of the inmates speaks up and says: hey, it's not so bad:

    night we watch movies
    Tuesday night is BBQ night
    Wednesday is Bingo
    and Fridays is sports night

    The new inmate says: Yeah, but I hear about bad things about prison... ya' know, like, rape, violence and stuff.

    One of the inmates speaks up loudly and says:

    Oh, you're gonna HATE Thursday nights!!!
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019
  26. Driver 8

    Driver 8 Maybe

    I wonder if see-through glass caskets would ever be popular

    Remains to be seen
    • Funny Funny x 2
  27. chango

    chango 2,500+ Posts

    Why do dogs float in water?

    Because they're good buoys.
    • Funny Funny x 1
  28. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    So a man swims to a deserted island after surviving a terrible shipwreck at sea. He is an avid golfer.

    After several months a beautiful woman in a black wet suit appears from the water and approaches him on the beach. He rubs his eyes in disbelief.

    The woman speaks sweetly and says HI! You look like a man that could really use some fine whiskey. He exclaims YES! as she reaches into her wet suit and pulls out a flask and pours him a glass of Maker's Mark.

    She again speaks sweetly and says, I suspect you would really enjoy a good Cuban cigar? The man stammers YES! As she again reaches into her wet suit and pulls out a cigar and lights it for him.

    The man is clearly enoying this whiskey & cigar.

    After a few minutes the woman looks at him in a sexy way and says: You've been on this island a long time, I know your lonely and I bet you'd like to play a round?

    The man blurts out: YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THAT WET SUIT !?
    • Like Like x 1
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019
  29. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    What do they call a beautiful woman in College Station?

    Answer: A visitor.
  30. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    Let me tell you the tale of Sir Lancelot
    At the lady courtiers he would glance a lot
    Whenever he'd pass
    A presentable lass
    The front of his pants would advance a lot
    • Funny Funny x 1

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