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Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by Dionysus, Jun 28, 2013.
Wah wah waaaaaahhhhhhhh
The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it's spelled incorrectly.
If I use the bathroom where I’m not supposed to, did I void where prohibited?
Doctors can be so impatient. Especially pediatricians. They have very little patients.
Did you hear about the termite that walked in to a pub? He asked where's the bar tender?
A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican and says I want to be Pope. Incredulous, the Cardinals ask why.
Because without me you can't have mass.
My zen master once told me “do the opposite of everything I say” so I didn’t.
I've only made one error in my life: it was the time I thought was I mistaken, but it turns out I wasn't.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way. Doctors cannoli do so much.
Oh wow........just wow......
A Buddhist chips a tooth and so he goes to the dentist. The dentist goes to give him Novocaine but the Buddhist declines because he wants to transcend dental medication.
Q: What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend after he proposed?
What did the bartender say to the horse?
"Why the long face?"
If you are ever in a cold room and you don’t have a jacket, go stand in the corner because corners are 90 degrees.
Q: Why did Snoop Dogg buy an umbrella?
A: Fo drizzle
I went to the doctor for hearing problems.
He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said yes, Homer is a fat guy and Marge has blue hair.
My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings
1. It's a murderer
2. It's the police telling me everyone is dead
3. It's the book on positive thinking I ordered
Haven't visited EF in a long time.
So here is one:
HF in TX finds magic lamp - he rubs it.
Genie says what is your wish?
Man says I hate flying- build me a road I can drive to Hawaii !
Genie rubs chin... says very difficult logistics.
Do you have 2nd wish I could grant instead?
HF says grant me wisdom to figure out women!
Genie says you want that road to HI 4 or 6 lane!!
Reporter: Mrs. Clinton, is Harvey Weinstein as bad as Bill Clinton?
Mrs. Clinton: pauses...
Mrs. Clinton: Close, but no cigar!!
Remind me later to post about prison joke.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech Support
I once had a girlfriend say she was going to leave me because of my arrogance
I said sure baby, don't let the door hit your *** on the way back in
A man is taken to prison and on his first day is introduced to some fellow inmates on his cell block.
He introduces himself and says he is very nervous and concerned about prison life.
One of the inmates speaks up and says: hey, it's not so bad:
Monday night we watch movies
Tuesday night is BBQ night
Wednesday is Bingo
and Fridays is sports night
The new inmate says: Yeah, but I hear about bad things about prison... ya' know, like, rape, violence and stuff.
One of the inmates speaks up loudly and says:
Oh, you're gonna HATE Thursday nights!!!
I wonder if see-through glass caskets would ever be popular
Remains to be seen
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they're good buoys.
So a man swims to a deserted island after surviving a terrible shipwreck at sea. He is an avid golfer.
After several months a beautiful woman in a black wet suit appears from the water and approaches him on the beach. He rubs his eyes in disbelief.
The woman speaks sweetly and says HI! You look like a man that could really use some fine whiskey. He exclaims YES! as she reaches into her wet suit and pulls out a flask and pours him a glass of Maker's Mark.
She again speaks sweetly and says, I suspect you would really enjoy a good Cuban cigar? The man stammers YES! As she again reaches into her wet suit and pulls out a cigar and lights it for him.
The man is clearly enoying this whiskey & cigar.
After a few minutes the woman looks at him in a sexy way and says: You've been on this island a long time, I know your lonely and I bet you'd like to play a round?
The man blurts out: YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THAT WET SUIT !?
What do they call a beautiful woman in College Station?
Answer: A visitor.
Let me tell you the tale of Sir Lancelot
At the lady courtiers he would glance a lot
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot