jokes for yer big brain

Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by Dionysus, Jun 28, 2013.

  1. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    A beautiful young woman was having trouble with men. They would take her out on a date, bring her home early, walk her to her front door then leave quickly. She went to see here doctor and explained the situation. "Men take me out, but bring me home early. And none of them kiss me good night, ask to come in, or anything and they never call and ask for a second date. thee must be something wrong with me." she explained close to tears.

    "Well," said the doctor, "Let's check you out. Please undress and lay down on the examination table. My nurse will help you."

    The doctor check her out from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. Afterward, he told her to put her close on and come in to his office.

    When she sat down the doctor told her. "Well, I think I know what the problem is."

    "What is it?" She asked.

    "You, young lady, have a very bad case of the zacklies." said the doctor.

    "Oh my!" the young woman exclaimed, "It sound really bad. What are the zacklies?"

    The doctor looked at her and said, "Well, Miss. Your mouth smells zackly like your ***."
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2020
  2. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.

    I asked: “What are you doing?”

    He said: “Working from home.”
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. Hideo Gump Jr.

    Hideo Gump Jr. 250+ Posts

    A joke originally credited to Gomez Addams.

    Q: What’s the penalty for bigamy in this state?
    A: Two wives.
     
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  4. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    Recalling some hilarious outtakes from the Tonight Show in the 1960's hosted by Johnny Carson.

    One evening Johnny had Zaza Gabor on the show and she came out with a long haired Persian cat which she sat in her lap:

    Johnny: "And what's this you brought with you?"

    Zaza: "It's my *****, Johnny."

    Johnny: "Oh...really?"

    Zaza: "Yes, she's very expensive, and it costs a lot for her upkeep. Johnny, would you like to pet my *****?"

    Johnny: "Uh, sure!....Move the cat."
    After a commercial break, Zaza and the cat were gone.

    Another time, he hosted Arnold Palmer's wife. The conversation went like this:

    Johnny: "So Arnie plays in a lot of tournaments and is on the road a lot."

    Ms. Palmer: "Yes, he travels a lot to the tournaments."

    Johnny: "I bet. You know, I've had other pro athlete's wives on the program and I always like to ask if before their husband plays a game or a tournament, is there anything special you do for them before they leave or play. you know for good luck. So. is their something special you do for Arnie before a tournament?"

    Ms. Palmer: "Well...yes. There is something I do before he leaves for a tournament."

    Johnny: "And what would that be?"

    Ms. Palmer: "Well he likes for me to kiss his balls."

    Johnny: Eyes wide open looks carefully around then says, "Really!?"

    Ms. Palmer: "Yes! Before every tournament."

    Johnny: "Well, I bet that makes his putter stand up!"
    After the commercial break, she was gone too. Rumor had it that both women filed law suits against him.
     
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2020
  5. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    After many years of observation and experience I have determined that a woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, soccer games, romances, best friends, location of friend's houses, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. On the other hand, a man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
     
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  6. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    Three prisoners were locked in a cell. When the largest of them finished his food, he immediately ate the others. Too bad. An apostrophe in the right place might have prevented a horrible crime.
     
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  7. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    As legend has it, in the 1820s there was a company in the New England area named the Tates Manufacturing Company. They produced watches - and their watches were superb, the Rolex of their era. Their watches were attractively finished, durable, low maintenance, and most of all, dead accurate. If you had a Tates watch, you had arrived.
    As time passed, the company diversified in order to increase sales and profits. They made accessories for their watches - fobs, cases, chains and the like.
    A couple of their young engineers approached the Board once with an idea - "The country is expanding westward, and pioneers need compasses to direct them; the technology for producing compasses is similar to that for producing watches." The Board agreed, and Tates started producing compasses - and that was their downfall.
    As good as the watches were, their compasses were terrible. They were fragile, difficult to adjust and maintain. Even worse - they were inaccurate. Set two Tates compasses 100 yards apart, and they would differ in pointing to North by 45 degrees. The compasses were totally useless for navigation.
    Now you know the origin of the famous statement - "He who has a Tates is lost."
     
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    Last edited: Jul 30, 2020 at 5:46 PM
  8. Horn6721

    Horn6721 Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut.

    groan and :clap:
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. Dionysus

    Dionysus Cocky + Relaxed Admin

    Very true ... until they got taller than me and began eating everything in the kitchen!
     
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