jokes for yer big brain

Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by Dionysus, Jun 28, 2013.

  1. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast. Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six.
    On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificent large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.
    When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Dislike Dislike x 1
  2. Sangre Naranjada

    Sangre Naranjada Winebibber

    These are so bad they're good.
  3. Driver 8

    Driver 8 smoooove

    HHD is this what happens when you retire? Because I think I like that
  4. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    ^When you retire, once you get used to not getting up to go to work, you'll find you have a bunch of time - and you'll want something to keep your mind active. In my case, it's playing tournament bridge, doing sudokus, and finding good shaggy dog stories. If you're thinking about retiring, get with your financial advisor - as soon as you're convinced you have a workable financial plan, pull the plug! Until you're there, you can't imagine how good retirement is! :)
    • Like Like x 1
  5. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
    Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
    What have you got there?
    Said the Pieman unto Simon,
    Pies, you dumb ***!
    • Funny Funny x 2
  6. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
    All the kings horses and all the kings men,
    Said "Screw him, he's only an egg!"
    • Funny Funny x 2
  7. Horn6721

    Horn6721 10,000+ Posts

    2 really good ones BevoJ
    • Like Like x 1
  8. utahorn

    utahorn < 25 Posts

    A Rabbi was stationed on a small island as a missionary to a tribe called Trids. The Trids were friendly and peaceful and the Rabbi came to love them dearly. The only problem was a Cyclops who would come down from the local mountain and kill the Trids by kicking them. The Rabbi tried reasoning with the Cyclops to no avail.

    One night, the Trids threw a great party which angered the Cyclops. So much so, that the Cyclops came down from the mountain and killed every Trid by kicking them. The distraught Rabbi went to the Cyclops and asked, “Why would you do this terrible thing to these peaceful Trids?”

    The Cyclops replied, “Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for Trids!”
    • Funny Funny x 2
  9. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  10. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him…

    A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
    • Like Like x 2
  11. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you!"

    The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, and tossed it out of his way. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle, and was once again tossed overboard. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns.

    When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, Chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"
    • Funny Funny x 1
  12. HornHuskerDad

    HornHuskerDad 5,000+ Posts

    A brunette was visiting her blonde friend, who had just acquired two new dogs. The brunette asked for the dogs’ names.
    The blonde responded, “Bulova and Timex.”
    The brunette stated, “What peculiar names for dogs! How did you arrive at those names?”
    The blonde answered, “DUH! They’re watch dogs!”
    • Funny Funny x 3
  13. Chop

    Chop 2,500+ Posts

    At the next VP debate:

    The candidates enter the arena to find what appears to be a boxing ring instead of a debate stage with podiums. The campaign managers ask: What's this?!? The facility manager, wearing his WWE Smackdown t-shirt, says: Is there a problem? I was told that Kamala is coming so I should get this place ready...

  14. Chop

    Chop 2,500+ Posts

    The athlete who played "Kamala the Ugandan Giant" was James Harris. So I guess that makes him the original "Kamala" Harris!
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  15. utahorn

    utahorn < 25 Posts

    God decided to touch base with Satan one day.

    God: Hey, Satan how's it goin' down there?
    Satan: Great, real great. That engineer you sent down is a genius. He's given us running water to put out these damn eternal fires, we've got electricity for lights so we aren't stumbling around in the dark. He reckons the AC will be working next week, so it will be real comfy down here.
    God: Engineer? There must be a mistake. You'll have to send him back up.
    Satan: No way, I'm keeping him.
    God: Send him up or else.
    Satan: What are you gonna do? Sue me?
    God: I will.
    Satan: Hah! Where you gonna get a lawyer?
    • Like Like x 2

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