Jokes not requiring a big brain
- Thread starter Chop
- Start date
An aggy farmer was driving along the road with a load of cow-poo fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”
“Cow poo,” aggy replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.
“Put it on strawberries,” answered aggy.
“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”
“Cow poo,” aggy replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.
“Put it on strawberries,” answered aggy.
“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”
On a drive in the country, a Longhorn noticed a aggy lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.
“Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” said the Longhorn, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”
“Time?” said aggy. “What does time matter to a pig?”
“Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about,” said the Longhorn, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”
“Time?” said aggy. “What does time matter to a pig?”
Aggy checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The aggy says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?”
The aggy says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
Not sure if this was West Mall or not but decided to put it here. Dion, please move if needed.
The Firing Squad
Donald Trump, George Bush, and Joe Biden were set to face a firing squad in a Central American country.
Donald Trump was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad fell into a panic and Donald Trump jumped over the wall and escaped during the confusion.
George Bush was the second one placed against the wall.
The squad was reassembled, and George pondered what he had just witnessed.
Again, before the order was given George yelled out, "Tornado!"
Again, the squad fell apart, and George slipped over the wall.
The last person, Joe Biden, was placed against the wall.
He was thinking, I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.
He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled.
As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
And this story my friends reflects the true intelligence of the guy now living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW.
The Firing Squad
Donald Trump, George Bush, and Joe Biden were set to face a firing squad in a Central American country.
Donald Trump was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad fell into a panic and Donald Trump jumped over the wall and escaped during the confusion.
George Bush was the second one placed against the wall.
The squad was reassembled, and George pondered what he had just witnessed.
Again, before the order was given George yelled out, "Tornado!"
Again, the squad fell apart, and George slipped over the wall.
The last person, Joe Biden, was placed against the wall.
He was thinking, I see the pattern here, just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall.
He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled.
As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
And this story my friends reflects the true intelligence of the guy now living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW.
Chop
10,000+ Posts
We’ve had some issues with our recent hires.
John seems to spend most of his time in the bathroom.
Chase is always running around.
Dick can be hard to handle at times.
Jimmy broke into the company safe.
Neil and Bob are always together and they both really suck.
Karen’s a real *****.
Karl’s ok, except in the Summer when he gets hot.
Fanny is a real ***.
And we can’t tell if Stacey is a boy or a girl.
John seems to spend most of his time in the bathroom.
Chase is always running around.
Dick can be hard to handle at times.
Jimmy broke into the company safe.
Neil and Bob are always together and they both really suck.
Karen’s a real *****.
Karl’s ok, except in the Summer when he gets hot.
Fanny is a real ***.
And we can’t tell if Stacey is a boy or a girl.
Somebody is going to have to 'splain this one to me.
Guy asks his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?"
Wife responds, "You told me to never, ever call you at work."
Wife responds, "You told me to never, ever call you at work."
Doctor goes home after work. Finds a plumbing issue, calls a plumber. Plumber comes out, fixes the problem in 15 minutes.
Plumber: "That will be $80, please."
Doctor: "WHAT? That's $320/hour - I'm a brain surgeon, and I don't make $320/hour."
Plumber: "Neither did I, when I was a brain surgeon."
Plumber: "That will be $80, please."
Doctor: "WHAT? That's $320/hour - I'm a brain surgeon, and I don't make $320/hour."
Plumber: "Neither did I, when I was a brain surgeon."
Meanwhile, in College Station...
A couple of Aggies decided to make some counterfeit currency. They did the artwork and started printing the fake bills. One of the guys told his buddy, "Stop the presses! I don't think the US Government actually makes a $15 bill - and that's what we're printing."
They mull it over for a while. Then one of them says, "Well, there's a way to find out if the $15 bill will work. Let's go into town and try to spend one and see if it will work."
So they drive to a drug store near the campus. One of the guys goes into the store and comes out a few minutes later.
His buddy asked, "Did it work?"
The first Aggie says, "No problem. I bought a 35-cent bag of jelly beans with the $15 bill. Here's the change - Two $7 bills and a 65-cent piece!"
A couple of Aggies decided to make some counterfeit currency. They did the artwork and started printing the fake bills. One of the guys told his buddy, "Stop the presses! I don't think the US Government actually makes a $15 bill - and that's what we're printing."
They mull it over for a while. Then one of them says, "Well, there's a way to find out if the $15 bill will work. Let's go into town and try to spend one and see if it will work."
So they drive to a drug store near the campus. One of the guys goes into the store and comes out a few minutes later.
His buddy asked, "Did it work?"
The first Aggie says, "No problem. I bought a 35-cent bag of jelly beans with the $15 bill. Here's the change - Two $7 bills and a 65-cent piece!"
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One summer in College Station, two aggies were batting around ideas to make some money during the summer break from school. After discussing several ideas and discarding them, one ag says, "Here's a good idea. Let's drive down to the Valley and get some watermelons. We can drive back here and sell them on a street corner on campus. Watermelons always sell well in the summer."
Second ag - "You need a big truck to haul enough watermelons, and all we have is my pickup."
First ag - "Okay, let's start with your pickup."
They drive to the Valley and load the pickup with melons at $3 each. Drive back to College Station, set up on a corner, and sell out very quickly at $3 each.
First ag - "Not bad - let's go get another load and do it again."
Off they go to the Valley and back to College Station. They sell the load quickly at $3 each.
After the third trip, first ag looks in the cash box and says, "Something's wrong here - we're not making any money."
Second ag - "I told you - we need a bigger truck."
Second ag - "You need a big truck to haul enough watermelons, and all we have is my pickup."
First ag - "Okay, let's start with your pickup."
They drive to the Valley and load the pickup with melons at $3 each. Drive back to College Station, set up on a corner, and sell out very quickly at $3 each.
First ag - "Not bad - let's go get another load and do it again."
Off they go to the Valley and back to College Station. They sell the load quickly at $3 each.
After the third trip, first ag looks in the cash box and says, "Something's wrong here - we're not making any money."
Second ag - "I told you - we need a bigger truck."
Potential business mergers:
-Zippo lighters, Audi Motor Cars, Dofasco Manufacturing, and Dakota Mining - new company to be called "Zip-Audi-Doo-Dah."
-Polygram Records, Warner Brothers Studios, and Keebler Cracker - new company to be called "Polly Warner Cracker."
-Federal Express and UPS - new company to be called "Fed up."
-Fairchild and Honeywell - new company to be called "Fairwell Honeychild."
-Zippo lighters, Audi Motor Cars, Dofasco Manufacturing, and Dakota Mining - new company to be called "Zip-Audi-Doo-Dah."
-Polygram Records, Warner Brothers Studios, and Keebler Cracker - new company to be called "Polly Warner Cracker."
-Federal Express and UPS - new company to be called "Fed up."
-Fairchild and Honeywell - new company to be called "Fairwell Honeychild."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other went to a family in Spain who named him “Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him…
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Undertakers Mal and Mel were storing embalming fluid. It was considered appropriate to place it in an area out of sight of the public. Mel had his share stored promptly, but there was still a large portion left for Mal to take care of. When asked why he had not just stored it all, Mel said, “The rest is for Mal to hide.”
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