Juvenile Humor

Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by Chop, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Scientific fact: There is a ring of gas surrounding Uranus.


    Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh...
    [​IMG]
     
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    Last edited: Apr 10, 2019
  2. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    A U.S. businessman was on a business trip to Mexico, staying at a hotel near the bullfighting ring. Each night he'd eat at the restaurant and order the evening special. The waiter brought out the evening special the first night--it was two fried round cantaloupe-sized spheres with a tomato based sauce. The businessman found them to be absolutely delicious and inquired as to what they were. The waiter advised him that they were the bull's balls from the day's bullfight; there's a bullfight every day. At first, the businessman was horrified, but got over it and ordered them again the next night because they tasted so good. Once again, that next night, the waiter brought out the two fried round cantaloupe-sized spheres with a tomato based sauce. And once again, the businessman ate them up with much satisfaction. This continued for two more nights.

    Then... the next night when the businessman ordered the evening special, the waiter brought out two much smaller egg-sized fried spheres with the tomato-based sauce. The businessman ate them to his satisfaction, but asked the waiter: why are they so small tonight? The waiter replied: "Senor, today the bull won."
     
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  3. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    A Priest and Rabbi were walking down the street together. At one point the Priest asked the Rabbi, "Tell me Rabbi, I understand that you don't eat ham. Is that true?"

    The Rabbi said, "Yes it's true. Jewish people don't eat ham since it goes against the laws of our religion."

    "I see," answered the Priest.

    They walked a little further and the Rabbi asked the Priest. "I understand that you don't go out with girls. Why is that?"

    "Well," answered the Priest, "that is against our Religion."

    The Rabbi responded, "Well, you ought to try it sometime. It's a lot better than ham."
     
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  4. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    A guy walks into a bar.........OUCH!!!
     
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  5. Horn87

    Horn87 1,000+ Posts

    That's no woman.........that's my wife!!
     
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  6. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Circa 1970s. Mom set up the Tupperware party and invited her fellow housewife friends over. It was Summer and Tommy was home from school, so he helped Mom set up the finger sandwiches, grapes, and cheese and crackers. Tommy just sat out a whole block of cheddar with the crackers.

    After the ladies arrived, Mom looked over the spread and asked Tommy to cut the cheese.

    Soooooooooo, Tommy let loose a monstrous fart to the horror of the ladies. The aroma filled the air as Mom glared at Tommy. "What, I just did what you asked me to" said Tommy.

    Tommy had to play outside in the sandbox next time Mom had company over...
     
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  7. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Why did Jimbo cross the road?

    Because his d!ck was stuck in the chicken.
     
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  8. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Gives a whole nother meaning to the 'd!ck--see--chicken'.
     
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  9. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    A woman goes to the doctor and wants him to make her boobs larger without any surgery.

    The Doc has a new untried medicine, and if she is willing to take it, that will do the trick. So. she agrees and is to come back in one month for the doctor to check her out.

    When she returns for the followup, the doctor is shocked to see how huge her boobs have grown. He asks her to remove her blouse and bra so he can check that all is in order. He is shocked to see thick black hair covering her chest.

    "Good Lord!" Shouts the surprised Doc, "yore whole chest is cover with thick hair."

    "Yes Doctor, it is." She replies.

    "Well, how far down does the hair grow?" Asks the astonished Doc.

    The woman looks at him a moment and responds, "All the way down to my new dick."
     
  10. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    A secret service man walks in on Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in the act.

    "You can't do that in the Oval Office, Mr. President", exclaimed the secret service man.

    "But I thought you said the Presidential Hummer was one of my fringe benefits", said Clinton.

    Secret service man: "I was talking about the armored, bullet-proof, motor vehicle!"

    Clinton: "I think I like this hummer better."



    [​IMG]
    By the look of his smile, I'd say that secret service man in the background got to take a ride with Monica in the "Presidential hummer" too.
     
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  11. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    Two dudes are walking down the street one evening out in Tucson, Arizona. One tells the other that he can tell the tribe of Native American just by looking at them. His buddy looks around and sees two women standing on a corner across the street. Pointing at the two women, he tells the first guy, "okay then, if you're so smart, then what tribe are those two women on the corner over there?"

    The first guy looks at them and says, "They're Navajos, I think, no, I’m sure, they’er Navajos." His Buddy thinks they might be Arapahos.

    "I'll bet you $10 I'm right, that they are Navajos." says the first guy.

    His buddy says, "Ok, you're on an’ let’s go see!" They walk over to them women and the buddy asks, "Scuse us ladies. Me an’ my friend here got a bet going. He says that he can tell the tribe of an Native American by looking at them. He says y’all are Navajos and I say y’all are Arapahos. So which tribe are you?"

    The two women look at each other and then one of them replies ‘Nah we not Navajos or Arapahos. We’re Street-hos, but the price is the same!’
     
  12. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Well, the topic is juvenile humor, so I won't disappoint. Surely all who have played little league baseball have heard or said this juvenile humorous chant at some point:*

    "When you're running down to first and your pants begin to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

    When you're rounding third and you lay a giant turd diarrhea, diarrhea.

    When you're sliding into home and your pants begin to foam diarrhea diarrhea."




    *It's practically part of our youth baseball culture.+ Although I don't recall it being discussed on Ken Burns' PBS series Baseball for some reason...

    + sort of like putting the fat kid at catcher, the "batter batter batter batter batter swing" chant, or the kid who liked to pick wild flowers in the outfield and later turned out to be a homosexual.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 11, 2019
  13. mchammer

    mchammer 5,000+ Posts

    Did you see the first picture of a black hole?

    It looked like Uranus.
     
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  14. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    A yankee came down to the Permian basin for work. He got hired on the spot on a Monday as a roustabout and was supervised by Jim. Jim said "this is a great job. The pay is good and the fringe benefita are outstanding. But you're going to hate Fridays." "What do you mean" asked the yankee. "You'll see at lunch" said Jim.

    After a hard morning's work, the men broke for lunch. The yankee noticed that one by one each worker was going over to a barrel and sticking his **** in it. The yankee then goes over to the barrel and sticks his **** in it. A most wonderful sensation followed that felt like he was getting a blow job and the yankee blew his lode into the barrel. "You're right Jim, the fringe benefits are great!" exclaimed the yankee.

    The process repeated the next three days. The yankee couldn't wait until lunch each day, when he (and the other men) would go over to the barrel to put their cocks in it.

    Then on Friday, the yank told Jim "I can't wait for lunch!" Jim replied "I'm afraid you don't understand--Friday is your day in the barrel boy!"
     
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  15. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Funny and current update to the song--Scott McKenzie's "If you're going to San Francisco":

    If you're going to San Francisco
    Be sure to wear your tall galoshes there
    If you're going to San Francisco
    You're going to step in human feces there

    For those who come to San Francisco
    Summertime will smell like poo-poo there
    In the streets of San Francisco
    Homesless people pooping without care

    All across the nation
    Public elimination
    People pooping
    There's a whole generation
    Of bums defecating
    Taking dumps
    In the street

    For those who come to San Francisco
    Be sure to wear your tall galoshes there
    If you're going to San Francisco
    You're going to step in human feces there

    If you come to San Francisco
    Summertime will smell like poo-poo there


     
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  16. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    So 19 year old man goes to prison. One his first day he is frightened as he is being led into the yard to meet the other prisoners. One of the older prisoners approaches him, introduces himself and welcomes him. He mentions this is a pretty good group of inmates.

    The new inmate is shaking and visibly scared. Older prisoner comforts him - no need to be scared. The young man says yeah, but I've heard a lot of bad things happen to people in prison - you know vicious gang rapes and stuff.

    The older prisoner says not to worry, we have a lot of good times here and he tells him:

    Monday night is Monday Night Football and tacos
    Tuesday night is old movies night
    Wednesday night is poker and bingo
    Friday night is Bar-B-Que and country music night

    The younger prisoner says what about Thursday night?

    The older prisoner says, oh, your gonna hate Thursday nights!!!
     
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  17. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan 10,000+ Posts

    Did you hear about the aggy that thought Ping-Pong was a veneral disease?
     
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  18. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    The Mother Superior of a convent went to her quarters one afternoon to take a bath. After she disrobed, and was about to step in the tub, there was a knock on her door.

    She asked "who is it?"

    A voice on the other side replied, "the blind man."

    "One moment, please!" she answered as she started to dress. But hen she thought, that she didn't need to get dressed since the blind man couldn't see, so she walked butt-assed naked over and opened the door.

    The man shouted, "WOW nice tits sister!! Where do you want me to hang the new blinds?"
     
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  19. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    One Christmas Eve, Santa Clause was delivering toys to all the houses. He dropped down one chimney and was just finishing up placing presents under the tree when a beautiful looking woman wearing a sexy robe walked in the room. Santa didn't know what to say.

    The lady looked at him and began to take off her robe, "stay a little while Santa?" she asked.

    Santa shook his head and in his beep booming voice replied, "Ho HO Ho! I must go and deliver toys to the girls and boys!"

    The young woman, took off her nightgown and was standing there in some rather revealing undergarments. She asked again, "Stay a little while Santa?"

    Santa's eyes bugged out but again he replied, "HO HO HO! I must go and deliver toys to the girls and boys!"

    The young woman, took off the rest of her nighties, laid down completely naked on her sofa and asked again, "Stay a little while Santa?"

    Santa was shocked, looked down for a second then smiled and said, "Hey Hey Hey! I must stay! Can't get back up the chimney this way!"
     
  20. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Why did Dave South kill the chicken?




    Because he was jealous that Jimbo was putting his d!ck in it.





    The result was road kill.




    Talk about some chicken and sausage gumbo.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 30, 2019
  21. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Shortly before Christmas:

    Joe: Hi Todd and Theresa. Y'all are dressed up nice tonight.

    Todd: We just went and saw the Nutcracker.

    Joe: That's weird. I thought my wife was working late tonight.
     
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  22. Horn87

    Horn87 1,000+ Posts

    there ya go---no more kids for you!!!
     
  23. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Bill and Hillary Clinton went to a NY Yankees game. Bill did a concession stand run, taking Hillary's order for cracker jack and a diet coke. Bill got a hot dog and a beer. They ran out of carrying trays, so bill stuffed the cracker jack in one pocket, the hot dog in the other pocket, and carried the drinks. As he got back to the seats and reached over to hand Hillary her drink, the hot dog wiener came out of the bun held in his pocket and fell onto the ground.

    Hillary exclaimed: "Really Bill! After all these years, you still can't keep your wiener in your pants!?!?!"
     
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    Last edited: May 6, 2019
  24. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    How did you know when a girl you hooked up with in college was a blue-blooded WASP?

    She'd send you a nice hand-written thank you note in the mail.
     
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    Last edited: Jun 4, 2019
  25. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    You can call an Arkansas Razorback girl a hog.

    But you'd better not call a Texas Longhorn girl a cow.
     
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  26. SunBurntOrange

    SunBurntOrange 500+ Posts

    Teacher is going around the class asking the kids to share with everybody what their dads to for a living.

    Suzie stands up and says "my daddy is a policeman, he puts bad people in jail".

    Bobby stands up and says "my daddy is a doctor, me makes sick people better".

    Teacher notices Little Johnny is staying unusually quiet and to himself. So against her better judgement she asks him "Johnny, would you like to stand up and tell everyone what your father does for a living?"

    To which Johnny replies "Well ma'am, my daddy died last summer".

    Well the teacher is mortified. "I am so sorry Johnny, I had no idea or I would have not said anything to you. Would you like to tell the class what your daddy did before he died"?

    Johnny says "Well ma'am, he turned blue and **** all over the kitchen floor".
     
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  27. SunBurntOrange

    SunBurntOrange 500+ Posts

    Aww man....my juvenile humor above got bleeped. So lets try a different one.

    What do you call three lesbians in bed together?

    A ménage à twat
     
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  28. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    [Sorry moderators, but I've got the urge to push the envelope a bit this afternoon...]


    Female dog to female cat: "Stop pussyfooting around."

    Female cat to female dog: "Shut up *****."



    (a perfectly clean and appropriate joke, given the context ...) :smile1::fire::smile1::fire:
     
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    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
  29. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Mom to Johnny: "Where are you going Johnny?"

    Johnny: "To the bathroom to poop."

    Mom: "What are you going to do after that?"

    Johnny: "Wipe my ***."

    [Mom slaps Johnny]
     
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  30. Chop

    Chop 1,000+ Posts

    Q: What job could Sandusky possibly get hired for if he is ever paroled?

    A: Head coach at Baylor. :fire::fire::fire:
     
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