I am curious how other feel regarding the importance of children in marriage. For example, if tomorrow you found out that you and your spouse will never have kids, how would that change how you view marriage? How would it affect your relationship with your spouse? How would you deal with such a situation? From a man's point of view - I often wonder if there really is a point to marriage without having kids. Love and companionship is great - but the main point of settling down is to have a family, imo. Thoughts?
For a long time, I fought the idea to have kids. I just didn't see a reason to bring kids into this messed up world. Now, I would do anything to protect my daughters and can't imagine life without them but I do think a marriage can exist without children.
I love my wife. We married each other because we loved each other. We're in our mid 30's and of right now, we don't want kids but admit that we might feel differently in 5 years or so. What gets me is people who authoritatively tell us we need to have kids. Why not just let us live our life and leave us alone? Where is it written that people HAVE to have kids?
I'm 40, my wife is 39. No kids, and we will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary this year. When we were dating and young marrieds we always assumed we would have kids. She always thought she would want to have kids someday. But she didn't want to have them unless and until I wanted to have them. Yada yada yada I never got there, she's cool with it, we are doing other things with our lives and our money. Mostly extremely selfish things.
I love being married. It took me 35 years before I got married. We do not have kids yet.....but want to start having a kid in the next couple of years. She is in grad school. I do not think it would change my view of marriage or my spouse if we could not have kids. We love each other and that is the most mportant thing. The family starts with us. IMO, too many couple have kids and they forget about the marriage and just focus too much on the kids.
I'm 39. My daughter is 1. Its midnight and I'm still up because she can't sleep. I never thought we would have kids. Now I wish we'd done it 10 years ago, so I would be able to enjoy more of her life in my lifetime.
I wish I had a son or daughter but life didn't work out for me that way. At this point, it's probably too late. Oh well. Some things regarding a couple of your comments -- "love and companioship is great." Yes, it is. But remember, your spouse is the person who you will live to be 80 years old with. Your children will eventually leave you. Other than that, I would say one of the "points of marriage" is to spend your life with the love of your life; but that's another story. Love your wife. She is the priority. If you have kids, that's great.
I probably don't count in this conversation yet, but oh well. We our in our mid 20's and both agree we don't want to have kids, at least not for a long time. I think it's stupid to get married just so you can have kids. You should get married because you are committing to the person you love. We also get a lot of pressure to have kids from my grandparents. One of my friends already has 2 at 24, and she brings them to visit my grandmother sometimes. On occasions when I'm there too I get evil eyes and snide comments . Why the hell should we take on such a huge committment if it's not something we're committed to?
Nobody goes into a marriage thinking it won't be forever, but if and when it does end the children will always be there in your life. I am one of those on the other side of the divorce statistics, but my son has always been my anchor and a big reason for the motivation, inspiration and happiness in my life and I feel that I have had a similar effect on him. As he enters adulthood he is still my best friend and not a day goes by that I don't feel blessed to have him in my life. For most people having children changes their lives forever. The responsibility for them and countless nights worrying about them is never ending, even long after they have moved on with their lives. Still, I wouldn't trade the experiences we have shared for anything in this world. There is something very special in a having a part of you that carries your name and will remain after you are gone. It's almost like a sense of immortality. Not everyone should have children and I don't believe a marriage is necessarily incomplete without them, but for me it has been my proudest and most rewarding accomplishment.
if you don't want to have kids, don't, I'm cool with that. I know many people who get married and don't plan on having kids very soon and then before they know it, they're 40 and have lots of great stuff and no kids and figure that's cool. at the same time, I have more than 2 kids and don't feel I'm some drain on society nor do I have a family because I think I'm so ******* perfect that I need some clones. so, if you don't want to be judged why not follow your own advice.
Wouldn't have changed a thing for us. FOr the longest time we thought we did not want kids and we were perfectly fine with it. We decided to give kids a shot and will be having one but we both decided it was what we wanted. In the end if we did not have any we would have been fine and we were married 9 years before kids. It is different for everyone. For some kids define their marriage, for some kids screw it up, for some it doesn't matter either way. There is no right or wrong on this one. It is whatever you and your spouse feel.
It only matters how you and your spouse feel about children. Not what anybody else thinks. As far as the main point of settling down being to have kids, maybe, maybe not. Even if you agree that it is, it doesn't mean a couple has to have kids. This is a personal decision up to each and every couple. They can good reasons, they can have bad reasons. But the reasons should be theirs and theirs alone. Some, maybe a bit more than half, of the reasons that I hear are inherently selfish and immature, though; as in they don't want to take the time or money out of their lives to help another person; it would mess up their travel plans; they would have to trade in their sports car....
General rule -- do what you want (have kids, or don't have kids) for your own reasons. To hell with what other people think. The caveat -- if your reasons for either decision (have kids, or don't have kids) appear to be shallow, poorly thought out, or selfish, don't be surprised if people judge you. It's what people do. I have known folks who have made both decisions who did so for utterly unselfish reasons. They decided not to have kids because they didn't feel that the world needs more people, or because they truly doubt their ability to perform as parents, etc. Or, they decided to have kids because they love humanity, think that they can raise kids who will contribute to the world, and truly believe that they can parent them well and by doing so make their kids and our communities better. Likewise, I have seen folks have kids mostly because they wanted something to love (then get a dog), or because they felt pressured by family members (it's your decision, not theirs), or because they didn't give a thought to it one way or the other (it's a big decision -- you oughta think about it a bit). Or, I have seen folks not have kids because it would interfere with their self-involved, consumptive lifestyle (e.g., a friend of my wife who visited us recently while in town -- she and her husband are about 40, and childless, which frees them up to go out and party and get drunk. Pretty much the EXACT same thing they (and we) were doing 20 years ago. We have grown up a good bit, and are very involved with our community, leadership, etc. We don't exactly party that much anymore. They haven't grown up a bit, and show no signs of doing so. I guess I'm glad that they are wise enough not to bring kids into their lives, but I certainly look at them as somewhat stunted and immature. Socially, and in their worldview and participation in society, they are stuck in 1989. That may be a choice that works for them, but I don't think it a particularly admirable one.) Do what you want. But you should do it for the right reasons. If you do it for ****** reasons, be aware that some folks will look askance at you. Whatever you do, be ready to ignore what other people think -- whether they're right or totally off base. That's pretty much it.
P/C, for some people, the decision to not have children is purely selfish. maybe not you, but I have had people tell me to my face they don't have children because they don't want to have to give up things they like and don't want to have to take care of someone else.
I married because I was pregnant and I was 18. It wasnt planned. I knew I would have kids eventually, just not that early. 10 years later I had another. I know have two grown kids; (well the other will be leaving for college this year.) I could not imagine our lives without them. (My husband could have done without any, but eventually, when you dont use protection all the time, pregnancy somehow happens) but he feels so very blessed with our kids and is very thankful it happened. We are in our 40's and will now be emtynesters - we have our whole lives ahead of us at a relatively young age to enjoy everything we could have in our 20's. It is awesome!
I don't get why it's selfish for someone to not have kids for any reason. It's not like the unborn kids are waiting in line to get picked up by someone and the married childless couples are ignoring them and not doing their "duty" because they like to party or whatever. The kids don't exist yet. How is it selfish not to make them when there is no obligation to ANYone for more babies to be born. I am confused. Is it selfish to not give your parents grandbabies? Is it selfish to not give children to society or something? What are y'all saying is the selfish part?
I don't understand why parents are obligated to love their children. I have a daughter, but I don't really care for her. Sure she's cute, but she's incredibly annoying. You know what the best part of my day is? It's that short period in the morning when I'm walking from my bedroom to her's. Because I'm thinking, maybe she won't be there.
People here seem to be using selfish because someone doesnt want to have kids, in a negative manner. Nothing wrong with being selfish if it doesnt harm anyone. Better to be selfish and not have kids as opposed to bowing to pressure to have kids and then have regrets.
