I always answer the phone "Hello, this is Paul" - largely because I do home office. Any time a telemarketer or random person calls, there's always this awkward pause, and then ... "is Paul there?" One day I'm gonna say "I don't know, lemme check" just to see if they notice.
When I lived in Asia, I would call someone and say: " This is John Doe, may I speak to xyz" And their reply is "Who is speaking?" Go figure
When I get calls from callers who have miss dialed I politely tell them they've reached a wrong number the first time. When they inevitably call right back, which they always do, I say the person they're asking for is muerto and hang up. They never call back.
My ex-sil's phone number was one digit off from a Pizza Hut. She finally got tired of getting their calls so she would take their order, tell them it would be ready in 15 minutes and go on about her business.
Just FYI, for most phone systems that telemarketers use the person calling you gets connected to the call after the answerer has picked up and given a greeting. They don't hear you say "Hello, this is Paul".
The dumbest wrong number call I ever got on my cell went something like this. Caller: "Can I speak to _____?" Me: "Sorry, you've got the wrong number." Caller: "Is this 512-123-4567?" Me: "Yep." Caller: "Well... how long have you had this number?" Me: "Eight years." Caller: [pause] "Are you sure?" Me: "No, it's actually been nine years." Caller: "Oh well." [hang up] When we got a new landline a few years back we were one digit off from a Bank of America location's phone banking system. We would answer the phone and hear a bunch of beeps and boops. After a week of yelling into the phone to stop pushing buttons, we changed our number.
Me: "Yello?" Them: "Is _______ there?" Me: "No, you have the wrong number?" Them: Is this "512-567-xxxx?" Me: "Sure is" Them: "So this isn't (female name)?" Me: "Do I sound like a women?" Them: "Sir, so (female name) isn't there?" Me: "Are you f**kin retarded?" Them: "Click". People are so stupid, especially the bill collectors that are still calling the person that had your number 5 years ago.
This is why my landline has an answering machine / voicemail on it. It answers on two rings - if I hear the voice of someone I actually want to talk with, I hit "talk" - otherwise I let it go. Someone told me that a lot of the compu-dialers hear a signal from your machine that says "answering machine" - judging by the number of immediate hangups, I think that may very well be the case. Some of them leave a canned message, which is easy enough to shitcan, and some even pretend not to hear the machine and just start their spiel. If I'm not busy, I sometimes talk with them, just for fun. I have a few different approaches with both the telemarketers and the collectors: (1) "Why shore, you can talk to Tex. Who's callin'?" Both telemarketers and collectors usually try to evade answering this, but not always. If they give a name, I follow up with needing to know all the stuff they want to know from you when you call the phone company or your La-Z-Boy tech support hotline. "Okay, Bob, I'm gonna need to know your last name, your company, your title, an inbound phone number and extension if applicable, physical location, social security number, date of birth, mother's maiden name... " which usually encourages them to hang up, but if not, I'm game for a round or two of explanations as to why Tex won't talk to 'em unless he can get that information, and how many teeth I'm missin' on account of last time I transferred a call to him without gettin' it all, he throwed an ashtray fulla cigar butts at me... Evasion is usually something along the lines of "Yes, this is a personal business matter, and I can only speak to Tex." This is more fun, because you can go with "Sorry, did you say 'personal business'? That's kinda one of them oxymoron things, ain't it? I could see personal, or business, but I don't see how it could be both. Which one is it, and what's it about?" If they do pursue it, it usually winds up back at the first part. "He ain't gonna talk ta ya if I can't tell him who ya are. What's yer name?" (2) "Let me go find him. I think he's talkin' ta the Sheriff, out in Barn #23. Hang on." You might want to make up some better things to be doing, such as "inspecting a new shipment of hair from Croatia" or "talkin' to his banker about evicting the crippled orphans". Then just lay the phone down and ignore it. (3) "Whoa, doggies, am I glad you called. You're a god-send. I ain't been able to drive my car for two years, on account of they want $5,900 to fix it. That'd be covered, wouldn't it? So I'd just sign up and get it fixed and I could cancel, right?" or "Now you do cover them pre-existin' conditions, right? 'Cause they're tellin' me they need to take my other leg, before the gangrene sets in." (4) Balla woksy ferndit paloot? 'Allo? 'Allo? Balla soupry pindiskee eenglees. No eenglees. No eenglees." (5) "Why, little lady, I do believe yer barkin' up a dead mule here. I ain't got no mortgage ta have trouble with. Them folks yer workin' fer are diddlin' you, darlin', makin' yew waste yer time callin' people when they got no idee about whether they even got a mortgage. I unnerstan' yew prolly need a job purty bad to be doin' this at all, but if I was yew I b'leeve I'd tell them bastids whar to stick it - but take some advice an' find a new job fust. Nice talkin' to ya."
I was working on a contract assignment for my company at one of TxDot's offices and got a phone call asking to speak to the financial decision maker of the company. I asked who was calling and they said "John Doe with so and so business solutions", or something along that line. I explained that he had reached the Texas Department of Transportation and that ultimately the financial decision maker was Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas. Asked him if he wanted the number. His reply was "Oh HELL no. He will probably send me to the chair".
When I get a telemarketer call, I cut him off at the beginning of his spiel, saying I don't want it. They invariably ask "why not?" "Because I'm a maniac," I tell them. After a stunned silence, they hang up. Works every time. This same technique also works at traffic intersections when someone comes up to your car while stopped at a red light, asking for a donation/handout.
No. 4 son recorded the three-note beep that precedes the Fone Company's message about "You have a reached a number that is no longer in service or has been disconnected" and put it on his voice-answer, followed by about five seconds of silence and then "At the tone leave a message." He claims not only does he get immediate hangups, but some of the boiler-room systems remove the number from their database so they don't call back three times a day. I also like: "Helluuu and Thanking you so much for calling the Tick Support hotline. Here is Rajneesh to be assisting you. Please to be giving me your Visa or MastuhCod nomburr to ensure finest access to our services." Have used it about a half dozen times, and haven't got all the way through it so far. I'm really looking forward to an opportunity to discuss the need for the card number.
I get calls from time to time from telemarketers who use the method of thanking me for past support of some donation that I never really did. They use this as a way to start their sales pitch for something different. "Hello sir, I'm with the ___ organization and I just wanted to call and tell you thank you for your past support." At this point I usually interrupt them and say "your welcome" and promptly hang up.
If I ever meet Ralph Van Buskirk or Lidria Lewis, I'm going to smack em upside the head and tell them to pay their damn bills. I've been getting calls from their creditors weekly for 7 years.
One of the (few) things that makes living in Missouri tolerable is our state Do Not Call list. You can sign up through the Attorney General's office to get your number added to a list that telemarketers are not allowed to call. If they do anyway, they can get hit with a big fine. But of course the politicians yearly "please vote for me" robo-calls are somehow exempt from the law. Apparently theres also a national version of it too...
Back when I answered the phone, if a Telemarketer started I just said "The Bird is Red" in hushed tone and hung up. It worked every time.
Got another fun one on my cell phone this week - it is my work cell, so I have a message identifying me by my full name, my title and my company, asking for a name, number and detailed message. I get a message from someone named Inez for some one names... oh I dunno, Martha or someone, telling her that she was running behind today and might not make it out tonight because she wasn't really feeling that well. I was obviously touched that she thought I was polite enough to look through the phone book and call all the Marthas in Las Vegas to deliver her message to the actual Martha, but I declined nonetheless.
Hello, is this Mr. Smith? No, there's nobody home. But you answered the phone. Yeah, but there's nobody home, I'm just robbing the place. or Hello, is this Mr. Smith? Yes, but I can't talk to you because I don't have a phone.
