(This is last years practice report. Since the Aggies just "reload" it is probably fairly current.)Maroon Ninja's Secret Aggie Practice ReportI don't buy into that closed practice stuff cause we are going to beat every team we face whether we have closed or open practices. Since you folks have been so nice to me, I decided to sneak into practice and give you guys a peak at the goings on over at Big 12 Champ Agro-Central. Cleverly disguised as a tackling dummy I sashayed onto the practice field during the night with all the stealth of a maroon ninja. There I waited until the coaches and team arrived. I was so excited,my hardened and protruding nipples almost gave me away. I then recorded in my steel rattrap mind my impressions of practice that follow.Let me first dispel any myths being spewed by Horn spin meisters about the Aggie offense not being balanced. During practice they ran 52% of the offensive plays to the right side and the remaining 51% of the plays to the left side. Helloooo. How can you be more balanced than that, I ask?PlayersYou Horns are going to be peeing in your little Bass Weejuns when you see the mighty Ags rumble out onto the field. The Aggie coaches are so efficient that when they conduct 40 sprints they do the whole team at once. Sometimes they mix a few of the players times up but that's OK because they are all incredibly fast. The slowest OL on the team ran a 4.6 and that is after he veered over to the sidelines and had a drink of water and a little snack. Every player on the team can bench press 500lbs + at 50 reps. These guys could all be super heroes except they are all too macho to wear those spandex tights.Here are some of the individual player impressions:Randy - This guy looks like a LB this year all buffed up and all. He is throwing the ball like it is on a rope, except the rope seems to be attached to the receivers ankles. That is OK because our receivers are so gifted and all have a 60" arm reach. Randy's got tremendous team spirit too. After the longest pass play of the day, Randy ran the whole 10 yards down the field to congratulate the receiver on the fine grab.Bethel - You ever get a booger on your finger that you just can't get rid of? You shake and bang you hand like crazy and it's still there. Well, a football is like a big booger to Bethel. It just sticks to his hands like glue. He has to step on the football and pry his hands off after every touchdown reception. His is fast too. He is so fast in the 40 group sprint that he blazes down there and then helps the coaches time the rest of the team coming in. He is like the Flash except in maroon.Ja'mar - This guy is so strong and fast it is amazing. He just explodes out of the backfield like he was shot out of a cannon and all you see is a cloud of smoke where he was once standing. Actually, there was a cloud of smoke where he was once standing. Go figure.Roylin - Most people don't know this but Roylin was the body double for Mighty Joe Young and all they had to do was part his hair different. This guy is a beast of a football player.Ty - The scariest thing I saw this summer was not The Blair Witch Project but Ty running at me on the field. The next thing I heard was "Coach, is this tackling dummy supposed to be leaking stuff?" I almost blew my cover.FormationsWe got some innovative new offensive formations that are going to dazzle and amaze the college football world.Dislocated Wishbone - The WR's form a wishbone on either side of the field and the QB passes the ball to the point man in the formation who then runs the option all the way across the opposite side of the field. That way he has plenty of time to decide to keep or pitch the ball to one of the trailing WR's.Dotted I - The FB and TB line up directly behind the QB. When the ball is snapped to the QB, he in turn snaps the ball to the FB who has the option of running or snapping the ball to the TB. This formation eliminates the possibility of bad handoffs or pitches.Cheek 2 Cheek - The QB lines up behind the center backwards, hence the name Cheek 2 Cheek. The QB takes the snap and either pitches to one of the RB's or drops back to pass. This formation is Aggie efficiency at its best. The QB doesn't have to turn around and worry about tripping over his own feet cause he is already facing the RB's or he can just run straight back into the pocket to pass. The real beauty of this formation is that since the QB can't see the defense, they are just wasting their time and energy and wearing themselves out by moving around before the snap and faking blitzes and disguising coverage and all that kinda stuff. Practice DrillsThese coaches are preparing this team for every challenge they may face this season. They set up an obstacle course that simulates the worst conditions they may face. There is a section of the course that has been heavily watered to prepare for the Horns. It is followed by a section where the coaches fling tortillas at them to prepare for the Red Raiders. Then there is the section of the course where cardboard cutouts of inbreeds with mullet hairdos sit in bleachers to prepare for the Sooners. These coaches don't overlook any detail.In related news, the Yell practice has been closed to the public in order to maintain consistency within the program. I will tell you, however that we are working on some yell gems just as brilliant as the legendary "Whoooop" and "Sit down busdriver" that are sure to work the Aggie faithful into a mad frenzy.In the interest of consistency, Funeral practices for the late R-Dog will also be closed to the public. That great mascot, now a pup-sickle, will be unfrozen so that the maroon bereaved can participate in the September funeral. Those unable to attend funeral practice were asked to practice with a partner the bowing in unison, the procession line forming and the turning on and off of the auto lights without accidentally hitting the horn or turning on your wipers.That's all for now.Maroon Ninja [This message has been edited by 12thStudStan (edited 03-21-2000).]
Man. Sometimes I forget how funny you are 12thStud. Thanks for reminding me. That is priceless. "he is throwing the ball like it is on a rope, except the rope seems like it is attached to the receivers ankles"ttt. Doperbo.
Stan:Now you've done it! It will take me the better part of an hour to forward this to my buddies.You da man.cfs60
This is still one of the funniest things I've ever read. Mark Twain is somewhere, laughing his *** off as hard as I am. ------------------ "The sea was angry that day, my friends. Like an old man sending back soup at a deli."
