Those of you who thought of Loree-- these posts were not her. I looked for her when I saw this thread the day after she died, and it was not her-- though one of the posts could be very earily close to how she must have felt. Those of you who DO post-- please look at Melanie's threads. the poeple on here would have done anything for her, and they will do it for you too. Please ask us, we love you as much as we love her still today. We will put Melanie to rest tomorrow, but know that she will remain with us. We want you with us as well. PLEASE. PLEASE, we WANT to help you.
When I was depressed and considering suicide, I remembered something my mother told me one day when I was a kid about my grandfather, who was quite old and feeble, yet lived each day for the joy it brought: "Find one reason to get out of bed each day. No matter how dark things are, you can find ONE thing that is important enough to get out of bed for. Focus on that one thing and let it be your light." I found that this worked for me. I found a reason to get up every day, something to care about. And I discovered, gradually, that there were additional things -- GOOD things -- in my life that made it worth living. Sometimes you have to do a little looking, but there is something in your life that makes it worthwhile. I pray you find it.
Here is my last post on this thread. I do believe in Christ but I have lived a godless life for a very long time. I have begged for forgiveness and I think God has heard me. I suffered from depression all my life. Earlier in my adult life I made an effort to walk with God. Although I regularly failed, I kept trying. At some point, I quit trying very much. Then I gave up altogether. For those who are interested, the main difference in my life (before and after) was being blessed. Earlier, I was blessed in so many ways, but I was sooo depressed all the time I couldn't appreciate the blessings. I was successful, had a great family, and everything I did went pretty well. Since I started doing my own thing, my life has gone down the toilet in every conceivable way. career, friends, family, financial ruin, you name it. My depression is about the same as it was before. All-encompassing. But now I have no job, no friends, no familiy, no money. I would say "no hope" but I have always felt that way. Although I had very little joy, attempting to live a Godly life had earthly benefits. Maybe they were blessings. Maybe they were just a result of living honest and hard work. I have recently prayed to God and begged for fogiveness and a job so that my life could be spared. I have enough money to last about 1 more month. When it's gone, I'm gone. Thanks for your prayers and hook 'em horns.
So quit this life. I can't argue with the misery you feel in this life, and niether can anyone on this board. If THIS life is miserable, then walk away from it. Walk to a NEW one. Dedicate your life to others. Join the Peace Corps. Join a church-affiliated group that goes and digs sewer trenches in Ecuador. Walk out on this life, leaving all the possessions, all of the trappings, and all of the baggage, behind. If you can expend any amount of effort, labor, or energy, and make the life of another human being BETTER, then you HAVE a purpose. Digging a sewer trench, helping build a school, anything like that, IS a new life. Not only will the people not leave you, they will love you. And you will be able to truly feel God's love as well. You may feel like nobody to folks around you now. But once you give your life to serving others, you will be somebody -- somebody dear, and important -- the the people you serve. Become and instrument of good -- how's that for a purpose? I am no clinician. But I have seen suicide up close, among family and friends. I have looked into the window of the darkest part of the soul. And I have seen a choice that could be made -- that could ALWAYS be made. Leave all of THIS world behind. And go to a new one -- a new one where you are somebody, to someone. It is NOT wrong to want to end this "life" -- but it would be wrong to kill yourself so that after ending your current "life," you couldn't start a new one.
Thursday night was the closest I’ve ever come to suicide in my life. I actually swerved into on coming traffic while the tears blinded me. I wanted to end all this pain I’ve felt; pain that no one could understand. I could not make the one person I truly loved more than life itself understand the pain I was going through, had been going through and it frusterated me and hurt me more than anything in the world. I have felt like committing suicide in the past, when things got really hard and I had no one to turn to, but Thursday I lost it. I let my hurt and anger get the best of me. With that, still no one could understand my pain and my broken heart. No one could understand that the lies hurt me, that the words hurt, and that my actions hurt me too. And I did something stupid….tried really to actually end my life. That was the lowest point of my life. The scariest moment in my life. I pulled over, cried and cried until I was physically ill. And then it happened. I turned to God. He gave me the strength to get up and walk away from this miserable part of my life. To realize that my great family and true friends would be there for me; that I needed to be there for them. To realize that words are words. Sometimes they hurt but you have to judge people for overall what they have done to you. I asked God for forgiveness for my actions; for hope that someone would realize my pain and hurt and forgive, for another shot at life. I will never let anyone or thing affect me like that again. I’m a new person. I’m stronger and happier than I’ve been in a long time. Everyone has these low points, but you can walk away from them. No one knows the battles I’ve had, but it has been hard…and I learned I can walk away to a new, happier life. Please, if you are hurting, talk to someone…anyone. Do not get to the point I was at where I thought there was no way out. Life is too precious to throw away and there is always hope…even at your lowest.
Prayers for you. We are always here if you need someone to talk too. Suicide ain't the way to go. If you need to talk, just PM me. I will be a good listener, or reader in this case.
I think about this thread a lot. Whoever you are, I hope you realize that just because nobody can truly understand your pain doesn't mean that the people around you cannot help you heal. You are not alone.
