The Wife's Birthday Celebration

Discussion in 'Cactus Cafe' started by BevoJoe, Apr 27, 2018.

  1. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 5,000+ Posts

    Birthdays are kind of special, at least around our place. Mrs. Bevojoe’s birthday celebration was coming up and as usual our place was ground zero for the event. I went early that morning and picked up the cake. It being a Saturday, the in laws would be showing up soon for a late afternoon party, dinner and cake.

    Bevojoe II asked if a couple of buddies could come over for the party and to spend the night. The wife said it was ok, but that they had to be on their best behavior. I got everything ready for the party, the food, tea, coffee, wine and (cheap, I mean very cheap) beer.

    My wife’s uncle Bert and his lady friend Eula Mae showed first. Eula had a gift for the wife and Bert went to my bar. Then came the Mil and Fil toting gifts. Cooter (whose real name is actually Cotton) and Narleen showed with Narleen’s nephew, Bubba. Narleen was carrying a food dish.

    “Where’s yore wife!” shouted Narleen, “I made my special dish for this here occasion, glazed spam and vienna sausage loaf spiced up with pickles and ketchup glaze and green olives.” She stuck it under my nose so close it was all I could smell for an hour.

    “She’s in the back, dining room putting on the finishing touches,” I replied.

    “Whare kin I put my loaf?” Narleen asked.

    “Well, bend over and you can shove it up your..”

    “BEVO!!” Shouted my wife cutting me off in mid-sentence, “None of that! This is supposed to be a happy day and I don’t want YOU to ruin it….AGAIN! I’ll take it, Narleen. You make yourself at home.” she said while giving me the dreaded medusa death stare look.

    “Bevo, you ain’t hugged my neck yet. Com’er and gimme a little love,” Narleen said throwing her arms open wide. I was trapped. Ever hugged a 4 foot 10 inch 400 pound person? It’s like hugging a grizzly bear.

    Then came in Cooter and Bubba. “Hi cuhzan Bevo. Yew got ‘ny good drinking whiskey?” Cooter asked.

    “No not today, Cooter,” I told him.

    “Yeah you do!” Shouted Bert. I turned to see him holding a bottle of my good bourbon. “had a hell of a time gettin’ that damn door on yore liquor box open.” he added. Cooter went past him straight to the bar.

    Bubba was standing there inside the door picking his nose and wiping it off on the wall. I told him Bevojoe II and a couple of buddies were out back playing some basketball and he could go join them. He headed out back, so I went with him and called Bevojoe II and his buddies over.

    “How would you guys like to make $20 each?” I asked.

    “Twenty dollars!! How, Mr. Bevojoe! Who do we have to kill?” asked one of Bevojoe II’s friends.

    “Never mind that. Just play ball with Bubba and keep him outside.”

    After doling out the cash, I went back in with all the folks. We were talking when when we heard a loud “smack”! Next thing, Bubba came in crying and yelling “Ah hurted, aint Narleen! Ah hurted!” and holding his head. Narleen went over to check Bubba out, he had a bright red spot on his forehead. The boys came in behind. I asked them to spill it. Seems they were playing some basketball, the ball rebounded off the backboard and hit Bubba in the forehead.

    “He just stood there and watched it hit him in the face, Dad.” Bevojoe II explained.

    “That’s right, Mr. Bevojoe! Honest! I swear to God!” added one of the other boys, Tony.

    “No need to swear, Tony. We’re not in court. You guys be more careful playing when Bubba’s around.” I returned.

    “I don’t mean to be rude Mr. Bevojoe,” began another boy, Jack, “but is Bubba a...a...well some kind of dumbass, OOPS! I mean is he a dumbard?”

    I frowned at the statement, and after a couple of seconds answered, “Yeah, I think that about sums it up.” I went back into the room with all the drama. By now the lady folks had Bubba propped up in a chair with an ice pack on his head, and eating chocolate ice cream and cookies, most of which was running down and dripping off his chin. They were all “poor Bubba” this or “poor Bubba” that.

    “I’ll tell ya Bevo, that Bubba ain’t got no manners attall. BURRRRP!” It was the Bil who apparently arrived while I was talking to the boys.

    I glanced at him and answered, “Yeah, you should know, Bil.” He had already found my good beer and was grinning. “When did you get here?”

    Just then, Burt joined in the convo, but just as he was beginning to say something, we heard a loud “whack!” out front of the house. Burt turned and said, “That’d be Earley. He alway pulls forward until he hits the bumper of the car in front of him. Haw haw! He drives slow and stops a bit to late.” Burt took a drink. In walked Early.

    “Howdy Uncle Earley!” said a smiling Bil.

    “Good to see you Earley!” added Burt.

    “What’s going on today? Not sure why I’m here. Anybody seen my wife? Where’s the crapper? I gotta pee.” Earley asked.

    “It’s my sister’s birthday, Uncle Earley.” responded Bil. “And Aint Mavis is right inside yunder, yackin’ with the other women folk.” Bill pointed her out through the doorway.

    “Huh.” is all Earley said.

    “You you like a beer, Earley?” I asked.

    Earley turned and looked at me, “Naaw, I don’t drink. But, I will take a glass of whiskey though.”

    The Bil and Burt started laughing. “Ok! Coming right up!” I said.

    The ladies told us it was time for lunch. The boys headed in and crowded into the bathroom. Everyone else came to the dining room table. Mrs. Bevojoe had to go get the boys out of the bathroom to come to the table.

    “What were y’all doing in there? Laughing and cutting up…” she sternly asked.

    “Oh, lord! They’re just young boys having a good time, so leave ‘em be.” the Mil responded.

    We all gathered around the table. The spousal unit asked her uncle Earley to say grace. He stood up and took off his giant cowboy hat. “Ev’body bow them heads...God way up in the sky somewhere above all them clouds, we thank you for safely gettin’ all us together again for another Thanksgiving.” My eyes shot wide open and eyebrows raised just as I felt Mrs. Bevojoe hit my leg with her knee. Early continued, “bless all this food, even the stuff we don’t like and folks know it but bring it anyway outta spite. And Lord, please send an angel down here and remind my nephew, Bil, that he ain’t paid me back that $50 I lent him in 2002 that he tol me that he needed for gas, but I knowed he spent on them dancin’ gals at the tiddy bar. And watchover all of us when we finally get to leave and go home, soon I hope. That’s all for now, yours truly...Earley.” Earley put his hat back on and sat down.

    “Let’s eat!” shouted Cooter. The plates of food started around. Mavis handed Earley the vienna sausage and spam loaf.

    Would you like some of Narleen’s spam loaf, Earley?” she asked.

    Earley, frowned, “Oh, hell no! Last time I ate that, I was on the crapper for damn near two weeks, walked bow-legged for a week and lost 35 pounds.” He passed it on as did everyone, except Bubba and Cooter. Narleen looked sad.

    Burt told Narleen, “Don’t look so sad Narleen. Look at the brightside. Throw that stuff out in the yard and yew won’t have no cat problem. That’s what I done with the last batch you made. I ain’t seen a cat around my place since. They won’t come near that stuff. Keeps regular folks away too, if you don’t want no friends hangin’ around!” Narleen got a mad on and was about to lite into Burt when Bubba spoke up.

    “Aint Narleen, ah got to go make doo-doo in the potty room.” Bubba announced.

    “Go on ahead and go,” Narleen told him.

    Bubba waddled off to the bathroom. A couple of minutes later we heard a “crash” and “boom” followed by Bubba yelling out, “aaaahh!!! Hep me!! Aint Narleen!! Hep meeeee!!”

    Everyone jumped up to run to the rescue, well except the Bil and Cooter who kept on shoving the food in their faces.

    When the door was opened, there was Bubba sitting on the floor with the toilet seat wedged between him and the wall. There was crap mashed on the floor and smeared on the wall. Bubba had it all over his hands, on his face and in his hair. And I won’t even describe the smell!

    “Boy! Get yore butt up from there!” shouted Earley who was first on the scene.

    “Ah kay-yunt git up! Ah stuckted! Hep me up!” Bubba was crying and held out a crap covered hand. “Ah doo-dooed on the floor, aint Narleen.” he shouted.

    “Well that was stupid. Yore supposed to crap in the toilet! Pee-yew! Eeeewww! You're on yore own, boy!” Said Earley as he scrunched up his nose and moved back. I turned away to catch my breath and noticed Bevojoe II and his buddies were having a real good laugh.

    Narleen yelled for Cooter, who came in and reluctantly helped free Bubba from being stuck.

    “We’re gonna put him in the shower an' clean him off.” Narleen told Mrs. Bevojoe as she and Cooter began to lead him toward our bathroom. Bubba’s crap filled pant’s and underware were still down around his ankles as he shuffled along, headed for the new carpeted living room.

    “WAIT!” shouted Mrs. Bevojoe, “Take him out to the backyard and we’ll hose him down first!” She next turned to me an instructed me to go get him a pair of my pants for him to wear.

    “Are you kidding me!? Bubba has a 40 plus inch waist. Mine’s 32 inches. None of my pants will fit him.” I returned.

    “Find him something!” she shouted. I got an old white table cloth that was in my dog, Capone’s dog house. It made a big diaper for bubba to wear. The bathroom was cleaned up, and everyone came back to the table, Earley the Bil and Burt had gone back to eating. I noticed Bevojoe and his buddies were kind of glancing at each other and trying to keep from laughing.

    The Bil announced, “Bubba falling off the toilet is close to beating out the “fart-attack” you had at Thanksgiving, uncle Burt!”

    “Oh shut the hell up, you dang jackass!” Burt fired back. No one seemed very hungry except Bubba and the Bil.

    After presents, cake and ice cream, I cornered Bevojoe II, Jack and Tony. “Alright, boys. Let’s have it.” I demanded.

    “Have what Mr. Bevojoe?” Asked Tony.

    “You guys know what. That toilet seat had to be loosened by someone, it didn’t just come unscrewed by itself. You guys were the last ones in there, for a long time, too. And you seemed to be having a pretty good laugh about something when you came out. When Bubba fell off the toilet, I saw all of y’all having a good laugh. So, admit what you did.” I gave them the stern look. After a silent couple of seconds, they “fessed” up to the dirty deed.

    “Yessir, we did it dad.“ Bevojoe II started.

    “We all did a part Mr. Bevojoe.” added Jack.

    “Yessir, we were all in on it, sir.” Tony said.

    “Well….boys. All I can say is………..I think that was the funniest prank I've seen since, well, I can’t remember when! That kind of enginuity deserves a reward. Here’s an additional $10 bucks to go with the $20 I already gave each of you. But, don’t ever do that again. At least not here.”

    All the inlaws left, along with Bubba who looked like the starring character from the old Baby Huey cartoons. Everything was cleaned up, and the leftovers put away. I offered Capone the spam loaf, to which he turned up his nose, snorted and trotted away.

    Mrs. Bevojoe and I sat down and we chatted about the day. She eventually brought up the Bubba episode. “I just can’t figure out how that toilet seat came loose and Bubba fell of the toilet. It doesn’t make sense, not to me anyway. You don’t think maybe Tony, Jack and Bevojoe II were picking on Bubba, do you?”

    I took a swig of bourbon, and answered, “Naw, I don’t “think” that. You know how it is, sometimes, for no apparent reason, **** just happens.”

    End of Story.
     
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    Last edited: Apr 27, 2018
  2. Horn6721

    Horn6721 10,000+ Posts

    That right sounds like it was a good party.
     
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  3. Dionysus

    Dionysus Ok Cool. Hook ’Em! Admin

    Greatness. This is Texas.
     
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