There's a frozen apple in my freezer: *UPDATE*

Discussion in 'Esther's Follies' started by KaiserSoze, Nov 14, 2006.

  1. KaiserSoze

    KaiserSoze 250+ Posts

    ...which means it has been there since before I knew it was there. I have no idea who put it there (could’ve been me) or what its purpose is. I’m now wondering what would happen if I microwaved it. I’m guessing it’ll just turn into a mushy/squishy apple, but before I microwave it I want to see what you guys think will happen… I’ll post the results afterward. Will it explode? What kind of noises will it make… just the sound of pressure escaping? Anyone ever tried this? Would another kind of fruit produce more entertaining results? I’m thinking yes... like maybe a pineapple or some **** like that.

    Additionally, there’s a canister of chili powder in my fridge… I have no idea what it is doing there or how long it has been in there. I’m not going to microwave that, as I’ll probably be making some venison chili in the near future… I just want to know how it got there and why… but you guys cannot provide an answer for that, because no hornfans have been here recently… as far as I know.
  2. soak a melon with everclear real nice and good...
    cut out a piece and stick in the freezer. enjoy a frozen snack later.
  3. utexas_61

    utexas_61 500+ Posts

    papa likes to freeze his almond joys
  4. texashorn13

    texashorn13 < 25 Posts

    Freeze Frame Time - that's my only request.
  5. LongIslandIceSIP

    LongIslandIceSIP 500+ Posts

    the only reason my roommate would ever freze fruit was to make bongs [​IMG]
  6. DallasCowpoke

    DallasCowpoke 500+ Posts

    be sure to press your face up against the little window really close so you can see what happens good.
  7. hullabelew

    hullabelew 1,000+ Posts

    Take pictures.
  8. gobears92

    gobears92 Guest

    throw it at an aggy frozen or thawed
  9. lowery21

    lowery21 250+ Posts

    This reminds me of a langston huhges poem.
  10. TexanByChoice

    TexanByChoice 250+ Posts

  11. stillaphlopin

    stillaphlopin 25+ Posts

    I don't think it will explode...probably just shrivle up and make a popping noise. Afterwards you can dip your balls in it.
  12. EDGAAA

    EDGAAA 100+ Posts

    im duessing the microwave blew up, where is the update?
  13. smwhorn

    smwhorn Guest

    both the apple and the powder are mine. i put them there. and there's nothing you can do to me.
  14. KaiserSoze

    KaiserSoze 250+ Posts

    Sorry guys-- no update yet... probably Sunday night. I'm headed to South Padre shortly, and haven't been at my place the last few days.

    I promise to take care of the project as soon as I return on Sunday. I will post pictures (even if they're not interesting). The apple is currently sitting in front of a bottle of Jager... so I'll probably be a little hammered by the time I microwave the trespasser... which makes photos necessary in case I'm too drunk and forget what happens.

    Good news-- I did follow through on my promise to try a McRib for the first time ever-- I will update that thread shortly.
  15. scottsins

    scottsins 1,000+ Posts

  16. alxhorns

    alxhorns 100+ Posts

    I left a bottle of Jager at TBC's house.....i also broke a beer bottle on his floor.....that was on saturday right as the K-state game was starting....i should have known that it was an omen
  17. KaiserSoze

    KaiserSoze 250+ Posts

    Ok, so I finally got around to wrecking that god damn interloping apple’s world. Here’s the apple in the natural habitat that some unknown admirer figured it required...


    Please tell me if it was one of you ********—although as noted in my initial post I’m pretty sure it wasn’t.

    Yes, it was naturally resting in front of the Jager bottle… apples are apparently no fools. I’m not one of those to arrange my freezer configuration for posterity… for the record, there are many more bottles of booze in there… ranging from Makers to Patron to Tito’s.

    Ok, here’s the timeline… I started the microwaving with a 5-minute session, and topped out at 10 minutes... two 5-minute sessions.

    Having never microwaved frozen fruit before, and this being a single small unit of fruit, I decided to start with a 5-minute nuking...


    Yes, the roof of my microwave is filthy... I must admit that as many times as I've cleaned it up that I never got the roof... f**khead that, the interloping apple deserves worse anyway.

    I start the microwave for the first 5-minute run… wondering if I should wear safety goggles. The first 2 minutes are relatively uneventful as far as the microwave goes… beyond me shooting some Jager.

    At 3 minutes into the ordeal the interloping apple starts sweating… water is bubbling out of the top by the stem… ***** is lucky I’m not invoking psychological warfare. I’ve got fortitude in that department… I’m capable. Tori Amos has nothing on me… nor does that jagged little pill Alanis. I’ve done my due diligence in the divorce department. This ornery apple has never had a conjugal visit, but it’s certainly getting ****** now.

    At 1:20 left the ******* starts smelling like the desert of a microwave dinner… fucktard has no idea that I’m used to that smell… weak defense. Shortly thereafter the ************ decides to threaten me with the sound of popping… along the lines of the sound of microwave popcorn. Heh. f**khead you apple. I’ve been microwaving popcorn most of my life.

    After 4 minutes of cooking the fruity bastard, the loser decides to start hissing… like some weak-*** snake… lame *** doesn’t realize I’ve killed ~50 snakes in my lifetime defending my Black Labs (god bless them)… Black Labs come before snakes in my world (sorry Snoop).

    Ok, the first 5 minutes are up and it’s time for the next round. It appears I’ve underestimated the seed-bearing fruit’s stamina.

    Intermission lasts about 10 seconds. I decide to invoke 5 more minutes of fury. Upon this decision I notice that my arrogantly-fearless adversary is sweating and has apparently contracted the measles… heh… *****. In my opinion its measles and wrinkles are also a weak attempt at conveying fury… among vaginitis and other weaknesses.


    On to session 2…. 5 more minutes….

    ******* Apple (AA) is much quieter during session 2… it appears I’ve instigated a failure to communicate. I rule.

    7.5 minutes into the microwave-induced fury AA starts hissing louder than a punctured tire. Yeah, right… nice try. I don’t negotiate with terrorists… much less terrorists who attempt a blockade of my Jager. Bring that weak-*** ****. I dare you.

    30 seconds later… at 8 minutes into my learning curve, the dumb *** decides that making even louder hissing noises is gonna freak my **** out or something… nice try *******… no dice.

    At 8:15 minutes into the process the whiney ***** decides to start making crunching noises—WTF?? Yeah, right… nice try dumb ***.

    At 8:30 my sedentary entertainer decides that maybe he didn’t quite do the, “I’m gonna smell like a microwave dinner desert” routine properly the first time… dude steps it up by an order of magnitude. You know what though? I don’t give a f**khead. Apples can bite my ***.

    At 9:00 minutes all is quiet on the microwave front. I’m totally ready to declare victory. I still rule.

    After 10 minutes I drink another shot of Jager and contemplate opening the microwaver door… icing the kicker so to speak… silently gloating…

    After a shot and a some congratulatory musings, I decide to open the microwave door… feeling like the Crypt Keeper.

    Here’s the result… devistation pictures of inside and outside... something tells me that ************* Apple Posse is gonna move on to other peoples' freezers from now on. f**khead that guy.





  18. HornsN04

    HornsN04 500+ Posts

    ******* bravo. I salute you.
  19. gobears92

    gobears92 Guest

    mother of god- give it to pronghorn to finish the deed..nice dissertation tho'....[​IMG]
  20. Hayden_Horn

    Hayden_Horn 1,000+ Posts

    this thread is ******* beautiful.

    you rule.
  21. PhatAtUT

    PhatAtUT 100+ Posts

    so what did it taste like?
  22. KaiserSoze

    KaiserSoze 250+ Posts

  23. hookem2102

    hookem2102 250+ Posts

    punk *** apple got what it deserved.
  24. KaiserSoze

    KaiserSoze 250+ Posts

  25. KaiserSoze

    KaiserSoze 250+ Posts

    Just tossed that degenertae apple's carcass off the balcony (f**khead that opportunist anyway).... the squirrels/raccoons/opossums on Lake Austin Boulevard are living large tonight.
  26. LongIslandIceSIP

    LongIslandIceSIP 500+ Posts

    KaiserSoze, you are cooler than the mythbusters! [​IMG]
  27. numbereleven

    numbereleven 250+ Posts

    So wait a keep your Maker's in the freezer? Have I missed something here?
  28. KaiserSoze

    KaiserSoze 250+ Posts

  29. atxbaby

    atxbaby 250+ Posts

    Way to F that apple up Kaiser!!

    And the pics are great, I really like the one where that whiny little ***** got the measles!
  30. Mrmyke709

    Mrmyke709 1,000+ Posts

    KaiserSoze knows how to defend himself from fresh fruit.
    Nuke the ******** from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.


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