UPDATE: I'm 36 and I just found out who my dad is

Discussion in 'Quackenbush's' started by ctrl+alt+del, Dec 28, 2006.

  1. RC Didnt Offer

    RC Didnt Offer 250+ Posts

    "I would write first. It's too intense a situation to just call someone up and drop that on them. "

    Thats my thought.

    NCAAFBALLROX 1,000+ Posts

    I'd wait for one of the HF barristers to chime in... I don't know that having a lawyer initiate contact is the right way to go (concurrence with a prior post).

    However, @ least a lawyer will tell you what the legalities of anything might be (not legalities of responsibilities, but more in line with what HE is entitled to, i.e. privacy, not being harassed [if that's what he might think repeated contact is, etc.] & medical histories, etc.).

    I also am in favor of the letter option; is there any way to have a letter hand delivered specifically to him & not anyone else (the whole "anyone can open mail" policy)? Does anyone here on HF have contacts in Ohio? @ Least identify what corner of the state he lives in; NE, NW, SE, SW or center... maybe someone here could receive a letter & make a hand delivery for you. I know that I'm the type of guy who would do something like this for someone.

    Also, once you do initiate contact, be sure to let him know that you made your decisions based on what a bunch of goobers on HF said. [​IMG]

  3. Quadry

    Quadry 250+ Posts

    Let me first say congrats on finding out this info. At least now you know who your biological father is and that will bring some closure. I would suggest writing him and/or calling him. He may be the kind of guy that would freak out knowing he has a son that he knew nothing about and want to catch up as soon as the shock wears off. Be optimistic about it, this is a very good thing for you to find out. Congrats again and I hope everything goes great for you.
  4. Orange Infused

    Orange Infused 25+ Posts

    It's not quite the same thing, but a couple of years ago my best friend had her son (who she gave up for adoption when she was 16) contact her out of the blue. He was a high school junior at the time, and called her up one evening, after his adoptive parents helped him locate her. The long and the short of it is that they have all been able to settle into a warm, "cordial" relationship, where they stay in touch a couple of times a year. I guess that there isn't going to be any easy way to cross this bridge. The only way I would suggest a mediator, would be if you could first approach a close relative that could sit down with him, and explain the situation (maybe a brother, NOT an attorney). I agree with the prior poster that said being approached by an attorney to break the news to me would set off some alarms. I don't think you should do it in person. To me, that would seem live a bigger invasion of my personal space. And a letter leaves too may variables hanging (someone else opening the mail, waiting/waiting/waiting for a response that may or may not come). I think a phone call would probably be the best. I would suggest though, that you gather your thoughts, as to what you are going to say, on paper before you call. That way you won't let the emotions of the moment make you forget all the things you want to tell him. I'd also ask him in the initial phone call for an email address, and then be prepared to send him the photos right away. Even while the two of you are still on the phone. That way he can see you, and Baby Reboot, and the Mrs. Maybe once he sees how much you look like him, he'll also want to meet in person, and you can then arrange that.

    Whatever you do, I wish you and the family much good luck in this. Probably a realistic expectation is that you will be adding a new facet to your life. Not a new dad. You have one of those already. He married your mom when you were 13.

    Wow, this could be even better than the whole brother/cheating sister-in-law saga from a few months back. What ever happened with that one anyway? Didn't she end up preggers, with there being a question about the parentage about THAT baby?
  5. Orange Infused

    Orange Infused 25+ Posts

  6. Bernard

    Bernard 1,000+ Posts

    Think about all the mental gyrations you've gone through since you found out the news. It seems fair that you would offer your father the opportunity to mull things over in his own head without you standing there staring him in the face.

    How would you have felt if he just showed up at your door out of the blue and said "I'm your Daddy"?

    Send him a short note with some photos of yourself, your wife and your son. Don't tell your whole life story. Just give him the news and let him know you are open to meeting him.

  7. BernOrange

    BernOrange 500+ Posts

  8. accuratehorn

    accuratehorn 10,000+ Posts

    I would approach it this way: get a large straw basket, a blue baby blanket, a large rattle, and a baby bonnet. Place the basket on his doorstep, get in, cover yourself with the blanket, and ring the doorbell.
  9. CAD, i could tell you what to do. for all i know you and i have nothing in common..

    if i was in your place, i'd be excited as hell to meet the man. this isn't some ******* who left your mom because he didn't want the responsibility to take care of you. this is a man that doesn't know you exist.

    i put myself in your place. i'd like to know my biological dad and meet him. you don't have to call him dad obviously, and may never do so. but y'all can grow a bond and who knows... you'll learn to love him like dad.

    i put myself in your biological dad's place. i'd probably be scared as hell when you showed up. once you mention who your mom is, i'd probably realize it's not a joke.

    i don't know if you saw that will ferrell movie, Elf. sure, James Caan's character was a hardass, but did you see how he acted when he heard Buddy's mom's name and realized this might be legit.

    i wouldn't show up unannounced. i'd call. you could write, but i'd call.

    that's amazing. best of luck to you all.
  10. ctrl+alt+del

    ctrl+alt+del 500+ Posts

    I want to thank each and every one of you for your suggestions. I appreciate the time you have taken to offer me advice with this delicate matter.
    After sleeping on it some, I think Accuratehorn's approch would be best.
  11. ScoPro

    ScoPro 1,000+ Posts

  12. Ankf00

    Ankf00 250+ Posts

    you should overnight a basket of your burgers w/ a note attached.
  13. Mrs.Macanudo

    Mrs.Macanudo 25+ Posts

  14. BattleshipTexas

    BattleshipTexas 1,000+ Posts

    Find out something about him. A farmer probably doesn't have a lawyer. But he may go to church regularly. If he does, you might find out a little about the church and see if the pastor or ministrer or priest has a good reputation. If he does, then that might be a good intermediary. Clergymen are used to keeping confidences. If no lawyer or minister, even a CPA or medical doctor that the guy goes to might suffice. Calling is the worst option. A letter is still a shock. An intermediary is best.
  15. gobears92

    gobears92 Guest

    think of all the bowls of cincy chili you have missed over the years...mmmmmm... [​IMG]
  16. unpaintedhuffhines

    unpaintedhuffhines 1,000+ Posts

    I haven't read all of the other posts in the thread, but here's my $.02:

    write him a letter. Be clear that you do not want anything from him. No money, not a relationship per se, you simply would like to know. Be empathetic. Let hime know that you are aware that he has a family and understand that you contacting him (and eventually meeting him) could potentially disrupt his family situation.

    Tell him about your family....which is also his blood. Give some background on you so that he can see that you've turned out to be a solid individual (I am assuming a bit here, but by the looks of your burgers you certainly seem like a standup guy [​IMG] )

    Let him make the next move. Give him multiple ways to contact you.

    I have no personal experience with this, but I do have a good friend who was adopted. He is 32 and found out he was adopted about 4 years ago. He has since located his birth father. Long story short he now has a second family (half brothers and sisters) and is a better person for it. He was also careful to not throw this in the face of his adoptive parents (who he considers his "real" parents still)

    hope that is helpful. Good luck
  17. ajax

    ajax 100+ Posts

    I don't have any advice but I do know someone who was in your situation. Not exactly but similar.

    My wife's best friend growing up was adopted. This she always knew growing up. Her parents love her and she loves her parents. Plus, she grew up in a friggin mansion in Marin County. Not bad.

    Anyway, she's always wanted to find her birth dad. She knew that her birth mom died years ago. She managed to track down the guy who was named as her dad (she's known his name for a while) and he was like "um...I don't think I'm your dad...but the guy who dated your mom after me might be."

    He gave her the name of that guy. He had a Japanese last name. She was like "damn, no wonder I have dark hair and ivory skin!" She tracked down this second guy and knew as soon as she saw him that he was her biological father. So now she has 2 dads - her biological dad and her adoptive dad. They both love her.

    All this time she was 1/2 Japanese and she didn't know. She's a beautiful girl, btw, and she's really embraced this Japanese thing with a vengeance - bought a kimono and is studying everything she can about Japanese culture. She's an opera singer now and she lives in Rome. She sang at our wedding.
  18. OakHillHorn

    OakHillHorn 100+ Posts

    I would go with a well worded letter and pics of you and your mom.
  19. 01 grad

    01 grad 250+ Posts

    I have a close family member who was adopted here in 1975. He recently went through a reunion with the his birthmother and birthfather. Each party was required to take 1 hour of counseling. Letters were exchanged through the adoption agency for 6 months with no identifying information. Once those steps were completed all of the identifying information was released. It has been a great for him so far, even found out he had a full-blooded sister he never knew about.

    I'd suggest calling them and getting some experienced advice on how to do this.

  20. TigOl'Bitties

    TigOl'Bitties 25+ Posts

    First of all, man that is a mindblow. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Just make sure its the right decision in your heart.

    If it were me, I'd have to initiate contact with this guy. It would be the White Elephant I couldn't ignore. What's the worst that can happen? And, if things go well, maybe you get to know him and you develop a relationship.

    Good luck dude.
  21. lnghrngrl

    lnghrngrl 25+ Posts

    Contact him. Write the letter. You have nothing to lose. You do have a lot to possibly gain though. You never know.

    Over Christmas, I got the opportunity to meet a cousin that I never knew. It was incredibly awesome!! Here’s some background….. when I was a baby, my Dad’s younger sister had a child and was placed for adoption. My mom & dad wanted to adopt the baby and raise her as my sister but, my grandparents wouldn’t allow that. Well, this past October, she hired a PI and located her birth parents. She came to visit for 2 days and met a few members of the family including my dad but, I did not get a chance to meet her. She was here over Christmas and I met her on Saturday. It was almost like looking in the mirror. It was so surreal!! We immediately hit it off and were inseparable until she left on Tuesday. I am going up to St. Louis where she lives tomorrow to spend New Years. You can’t buy better Christmas presents than this!! She grew up knowing that she was adopted but always wondered who her blood family was and who she looked like. Scenarios don't always play out like this but..... you won't know unless you try.
  22. MTF

    MTF 1,000+ Posts

    I don't know about a certified letter. If I received a letter like that, I might wonder if the sender sought to ensure receipt verification for legal reasons or something else like that. Maybe sending the letter via fed ex would do the same trick but in a way that seems less like you are trying to establish hard proof that he received the letter.
  23. spystud13

    spystud13 250+ Posts

    My sister (19) & I (28) are both adopted, & we have both known since we were old enough to comprehend. Mine was handled professionally through an agency before I was even born. It would take a court order for me or my birth parents to attempt to contact each other, or even to request medical records. My sister was adopted privately from my mother's co-worker's granddaughter, who was 16 at the time. Her birth father has since died. So her mother would be easy to find with a simple phone call. Having said all that, I have no desire whatsoever to contact my birth parents, & I would not allow any contact to be made from them.

    My advice to CAD is definitely the certified letter route (or email if possible) because that puts the ball in his father's court without a potentially awkward and/or harmful situation occurring. If the father is receptive to the meeting, he will respond when it is appropriate.
  24. pasotex

    pasotex 2,500+ Posts

    I would send a normal letter. As far as legal implications, there are not really any on your end, but there might be on his end with inheritance. I would probably say something in the letter about what your expectations are or are not.
  25. MAROON

    MAROON 250+ Posts

  26. Hornin Hong Kong

    Hornin Hong Kong 1,000+ Posts

    Without a doubt you must write him first and not call him.

    Fedex him a letter, perhaps with pictures and your contact info and make celar you dont want his money.

    Calling out of the blue would be rude.
  27. BrûléeOrange

    BrûléeOrange 500+ Posts

    I'd go with a short certified letter (return receipt) with a couple of pictures and explain why you sent the letter in that manner...to protect his privacy.

    Remember, you don't know what is going on with this man and his wife/family at the moment. What if he's having marital problems or some other type of stress and this disruption is the proverbial "straw...". Be cautious and considerate.

    If it were me, I'd have to contact him especially if I had children because of the medical history issue alone.

    Good luck. Hope it works out well for all concerned.
  28. Longhorn Al

    Longhorn Al 500+ Posts

    Another vote for the letter. Calling has too many variables. What if he's not home? What if he's out working on the farm and has to stop what he's doing to come answer, thus pissing him off? What if they're eating? What if he's watching a movie? What if he's getting some sweet lovin'? What if he has caller ID, doesn't recognize your number and doesn't answer? Are you really going to leave a message? I doubt it.

    Just send a letter. If they're real farmers, they won't be opening each other's mail. He'd be able to read it and take it all in. Definitely include a picture of your mom when she was younger and mention her name. A picture of you is also required. A picture of your family is optional, but definitely mention you have a son, his grandson.

    If I was you, I'd have to contact him. If I was him, I'd have to meet you.
  29. Mr.Wizard

    Mr.Wizard 1,000+ Posts

    If he looks like this, haul ***:

  30. Smurfette

    Smurfette 500+ Posts

    I think you should just call him. I'd be afraid of someone else getting ahold of the letter. If he doesn't answer or get called to the phone, then there's no need to let yourself be seen as anything other than an old friend. Yes, it's a big bomb shell to drop over the phone, but it's a big bombshell to drop no matter how you do it. I personally think the phone would be the quickest and easiest way to do it for him and you.

Share This Page