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Discussion in 'Quackenbush's' started by ctrl+alt+del, Dec 28, 2006.
No mediators, especially no lawyers. Just send a letter.
Ok- am I the only one who doesnt think women, in general, are hyper-nosey creatures who's curiosity quotient is so high as to assume the wife wouldnt immediately open a certified letter addressed to her husband?
Ignoring all trust issues with husbands & wives, I honestly feel that there is a better than 50% chance if the wife gets the letter first and sees its only addressed to the husband, shes not only going to be real curios about it she will immediately want to know whats in the letter.
More than likely she will either sit on it like a hen on an egg- waiting for her husband to get home so she can give it to him to watch open it (sitting right next to him while he does) or she just opens it because its her husband of 21 years and its ok to open "his" mail
I really think you need to go the letter route- but I would be more concerned that by sending it certified mail you would raise more eyebrows than you are wanting to at first.
If you can be sure that a phone call will only reach him- i would strongly suggest trying that as well.
Otherwise, send a normal letter, dont include pictures at first -they will probably fall out of the envelope once its opened anyway (maybe right in front of her).
I would use several suggestions above, short simple, to the point, give your mothers name, stress you are not trying to make money, provide an email address and tell him that you respect his privacy enough that he can send an email simply stating "no" and you leave him alone for ever.
Or if he so chooses, let him know that you would like to email him pictures of yourself and the family- and that he can review them, at his own pace and make a decision.
I realize this was probably a very convoluted message- but its your choice- go with what makes you most comfortable
just email him a link to this thread and be done with it
I don't have the time to read through this whole thread as it has become quite long, but I want to give a response here.
My wife and I have adopted two boys from the foster care system. We know the identity of both of the boy's mother, but since both mothers were prostitutes, we have no real way of knowing who the boys' father might be.
My wife and I are both quite sure that there will come a time when the boys will want to find their biological parents. We have talked a lot about it, and have decided that we will do whatever it takes to help them when that time comes.
I personally think that the best way to approach your biological father is a letter. In the letter you can get your entire story out, and let him know all about you without interruption.
If you do it face to face, there will be questions, uncomfortableness (is that a word?), and such, and the whole story might not get completely out.
It also puts the ball into his court whether or not to proceed with beginning a relationship with you. Not only do you need to be prepared for him to tell you to go to hell, you also need to be prepared that he may not be ready to have you in his life, and he will do nothing.
A letter also gives him the opportunity to talk to his family about you.
Just my .02 cents.
Good luck man. I hope everything turns out better than great.
36? Damn you're old!
I'd say letter (certified or FedEx) with pics. He can't hang up on a letter and it doesn't put him on the spot.
I agree with KC too.....you can't assume his wife isn't batty and won't get pissed about this, but that's just something that can be dealt with if it happens.
Well, I received the Private Investigator's report today complete with pictures. Needless to say, I am quite blown away at our resemblance. I have his forehead, nose, cheekbones, lips, and chin, but he wears his hair like Tom Skerritt in Top Gun, you know, call sign "Viper". His 21 year-old son has the exact same name, so he is a Jr. and I hope the letter I send doesn't fall into his hands by mistake. Hopefully there is a way to restrict who the letter is delivered to when I send it. He has absolutely nothing on his criminal record, but his son has only a moving violation and a DUI last year when he was 20. Coincidentally, I got a DUI when I was 20, but that was 16 years ago. That's weird. However, the pictures of his home revealed children's toys in the back yard and a trampoline, so I wonder what that's all about. Maybe Jr. has some kids. I am just as curious to meet Jr. as well as Sr. although I know meeting neither is a distinct possibility. This is all too crazy.
Then nobody will open it.
OK, I've changed my mind. You should send him a stripogram announcement.
Yea, a letter, or the intermediary. Here's a story of how it went down the other way.
My dad had a prior marriage, with 2 kids, that was unknown to me or my 4 sisters. My mom was forced out of the church for marrying a divorced man, (this was 1949) so it was a matter of shame.
Anyway, one day at 17 I get a call at work from my mom , she's in hysterics, the two grown progeny are at the house, waiting for my dad. He, in turn, on hearing this news headed for the bar rather than home, and ended up with a DUI that night. After bailing him out the next day, the "reconciliation" discussions could begin. Like a reality show disaster, or a Jerry Springer show. Cripes.
Anyway, your biological father, I have to presume, has none of the demons my dad had, but, the element of surprise in these things is large, so take a less dramatic approach.
And, congratulations and good luck.
my girlfriend's brother was adpoted. he's around 36 as well and has been looking for his biological parents for some time (maybe 6 years or so). he is very happy with his adoptive family, but could never satisfy his curiousity about who his parents were, what were they like, etc
he ended up finding his mother first. she had also given up two other children who had already found her. she told him that his father would deny him, but that there could be no doubt - they were strikingly similar, with distinct greek features.
my gf's brother decided that he would call his father, knowing that he had a wife and family and didn't want to take the chance of interfereing. at first, his father denied him, but after speaking for an hour or so, he warmed up a bit. my gf's brother thinks that he began to warm after he realized that he didn't want anythnig from him, just to have a beer and take a picture the next time they were in the houston area at the same time (gf's bro moved to conn.). after making it clear that he was financially stable with a family of his own (speaking of his adoptive family, as well as his own wife and kids) his father seemed much more interested in a reunion.
anyway, cad, this all happened in the last two months and though i offered no advice, it's a similar enough story.
best of luck to you.
holy **** its Viper.
isn't it weird that several posters think that paying money to another person to ask if its ok to contact your dad is necessary?
and finally, i've had a comparable experience, though not too similar. my biological father, whom i knew about but hadn't seen for about 12 years, knocked on my door one friday when i was a freshman at UT( 27th and Salado for those keeping track at home). i had no real interest in talking to him, let alone letting him into my apartment. long story short, i didn't handle it very well, looking back. had he sent a letter, i'd have been able to decide for myself if i wanted to see him and under what circumstances, and responded in the time frame i needed to organize my feelings.
so i would send a fedex that must be signed for by him, with a concise letter about you, your mother, your family, and your intentions and a couple of photos.
i would also sit down with your stepdad and explain to him what you are doing, and remind him that he is your dad and that you love him very much.
apparently, you have your birth father's personality. i have my stepfather's personality, so i know how close a bond that can be. he will understand what you're doing and why you are doing it.
good luck to you. you live in interesting times.
My adopted sister found her biological mom a few months ago and became obsessed with contacting her. My sister's birth certificate listed no father and when Sis found out the bio-mom's address she still had the same last name, 35 years later. My sister got her number and called her, after writing a letter or two (without response) saying she would at least like a medical history because Sis has had some medical issues (mostly emotional imo).
Anyway, a man answered the phone and got the bio-mom on the phone and when Sis said "Hello, This is your daughter, Julie!" the woman freaked and yelled "I never gave anyone up for adoption! Never call me again!" The impression we had was that this woman didn't want the man or child to know the truth and I am sure it caused a great deal of stress to this woman.
I know your's isn't an adoption case but I would be careful how I approached the man. I would suggest a letter, hand-delivered to the man where none of his relatives could see. Maybe this man's wife thinks he was a virgin or something. He would have some explaining to do and would nearly certainly blame you for creating tension in his family, reducing the odds of him wanting to meet you.
Interesting story. Keep us posted.
There's already a PI following dad around taking pictures. I'd give the letter to the PI and tell him to hand deliver it to dad when the wife and son aren't around.
How hard can it be to follow the guy into town, walk up to him in the parking lot of the feed store, hand him a letter and say "It's very important that you read this letter" and then walk away?
Privacy problem solved.
First time reading this thread - no real advice bud - best of luck (and patience) in whatever you choose.
Hope you found the same humor in Accurate's post that I did - still have tears in my eyes from trying not to laugh at work.
You know, I think the preacher idea has been lost in this thread, but I really really like that idea. If he's a church going farmer in a "smallish" community, I don't think there's a better way to approach this. And I'm not even a religous person.
Just show up and drag his couch out in the yard and light it on fire. Tell him you were genetically predisposed to do that, that the act had never even crossed your mind. Simply look at him and ask him why that could be.
Is this going to be like the thread on advice to the brother with the cheating wife? I didn't find out the ending. If I'm going to read these threads I want to know the ending!
Nut up and give the guy a call already.
On Friday, I mailed him a certified letter with restricted delivery and return receipt. I provided all my contact information, and pictures of me and his grandson, so we'll see what happens. I will keep updating this thread.
good luck cad,
hope his grandson has an opportunity to meet his grandfather...
good luck man! made the right choice
Outstanding and good luck. Tahoe had the right info or idea about the other threads but I never thought we would be left in the dark about what happened here. CAD is way too addicted to this place.
Good luck...I hope it all works out for you.
By my calculations, he should have received it by today. He's probably hungover from last-night's beatdown and then he is going to get this in the mail. That ought to sober him right up.
Look at it this way. You will still have a place to sleep because they didn't burn the couch.
Good lord! I hope the poor guy isn't pushed over the edge.
I think the certified letter was a bit too strong, but I understand you want to know he received it. Hope it works out amicably.