What Happens when you drink 10oz. of ............

Discussion in 'Cactus Cafe' started by LousianaHorn, Jan 11, 2020.

  1. LousianaHorn

    LousianaHorn Kabong

    Magnesium Citrate........I'm glad you asked.

    [​IMG]

    12:05 pm: It's time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it's a lukewarm PBR. It's suppose to be lemon flavored but it's becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything lemon in their life. You are already regretting this decision.

    12:06 pm: You eat a handful of chips, It's going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don't care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You're about to enter a very dark period in your life.

    12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted crap in your colon and you basically just drank the "safe for humans" version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it's time. You're wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.

    Take note...this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.

    12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it's boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you...you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can't run... NEVER run! You pray to god there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3...2...1...

    12:58 pm: Sweet Mary, mother of God...is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The crap/ water mixture you've just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.

    Is that blood?

    False alarm.

    That's just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving...when you were 5. The smell is horrid...the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it's not working. The whole house just heard your liquid fart as it gurgled out of your butt.

    1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything's a blur. You have crapped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800's, and your butt now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.

    You're now curled up in the bathtub crying because you have to remain within arm's reach of the toilet at all times. You have the poop sweats.

    You meet Jesus.

    8:37 pm: You're broken.
    Your butthole is broken.
    Your spirit's broken.

    Life as you know it will never be the same. But...tomorrow's a new day. You're going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear have and you're going to run up to Walmart with the last shred of dignity you have left...and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You've earned it.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • poop poop x 2
  2. Vol Horn 4 Life

    Vol Horn 4 Life Good Bye To All The Rest!

    That had to be the worst day of your life, but if it makes you feel any better you just made me cry laughing like a 6 year old. Thanks for sharing! At least now I know what works if I ever need it. Perhaps half the bottle would do.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  3. LousianaHorn

    LousianaHorn Kabong

    Vol.........its actually been a bit since I had to do this stuff..........if you ever have a colonoscopy you will have to drink a prescription version of the same stuff to clean you out before the buttcam...........its hell.......lol.
     
  4. Dionysus

    Dionysus Idoit Admin

    omg I'm dying here :lmao:

    :fire: :fire: :fire:
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  5. nashhorn

    nashhorn 5,000+ Posts

    Sooooo horribly true. At least you sleep during the water hose exam.
     
  6. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan SEC here we come!!

    :lmao:yup, horribly true....

    Hey, at 3 I bet I have the current lead on colonoscopies on this board!!
     
  7. AC

    AC 2,500+ Posts

    I had my third colonoscopy in December. My favorite memory was my wife waking me up after it finished. I flashed her with that no back robe. Then we had Mexican food, at one of my favorite Mexican joints. Enchiladas never tasted so good after that battery acid crap I had to drink the night before. At least I get to wait until 2025 or so before I do it again!
     
    • Like Like x 3
  8. BevoJoe

    BevoJoe 10,000+ Posts

    I had to drink that stuff before a colonoscopy once as well. It wasn't until the next morning that its magic worked, but nothing like that story! Sounds like you created "Hiroshima on the Pot!" :e-face-shades:
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2020
  9. WorsterMan

    WorsterMan SEC here we come!!

    Then we have tie at halftime:

    AC 3
    Woo 3
     
    • Funny Funny x 1

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