So in the past 12 or so years of my marriage I have had one issue that I find difficult to deal with and in the past week during a discussion with another couple I found out I was not alone. The background: My wife has come to me and is fussing and complaining about a situation, it can be any situation either at work, kids, etc. I, considering myself to be a good husband, work through the problems and offer various solutions and possible ways to handle any future incidents or whatever. However, this was the wrong thing to do, evidently I was supposed to sit quietly and let my wife vent and offer comfort. This was confusing but so be it. After learning this procedure, I will sit quietly and not say a word. However after trying this I was also fussed at for not engaging or not paying attention. (I will admit I would zone out sometimes and not pay attention.) I would often get a oral quiz by her on the topic and details of the conversation. So I can't offer solutions and I can't sit there quietly. I also can not offer her "hugs" because evidently that is condescending. I think I am supposed to offer up similar stories and actually talk about how bad it is or how people are wrong, etc. The problem with that of course when presented with those situations I solve the problem or issue at hand and move on. As it stands now when she comes to vent at me about something, I am scared because it usually means I spend the day in the dog house. Anyone else have these issues? and maybe an easy way to escape out of them? (Ohh and I've learned humor is not the way to deal with it.)
You are not alone in that department brother. Granted I've been married for less than a year, I cannot figure out the exact formula for making it out of that situation in one piece.
this is easy. you aren't supposed to offer help/solutions. you haventhat right. you are NOT supposed to sit in silence, as you have learned. you have to make sure she knows you are listening. Ask some questions to clarify various parts of the story, and say stuff like "wow, what a *****", or "damn, that sucks", ewtc.
I actually think Chris Rock had a bit about this exact situation (well, the work problem version, anyway). He said the proper response was "I told you that ***** was crazy." That's the method I try to employ. Some sort of one or two sentence agreenent--shows you paid some attention and that you agree with the wife and are on her side. You have to pay just enough attention to chime in at the right time and at the right person so you don't get bored but you won't be criticized for being condescending or inattentive.
One important lesson to be learned about marriage is to put your ******* pants on. Ask your wife what she wants. Make her think about it and decide it, and then tell her that's what you will try to do. She may not like this but she will respect you for it. She wants you to read her mind and act accordingly. Unless you have this skill, tell her to be very clear about what she wants so you can try to accommodate.
Scottsins offers the correct course of action in this area. Usually, no actual action is necessary, just sympathetic listening. People need to "vent" sometimes, especially women, and don't really mean anything by it. Not everyone has discovered HornFans as the appropriate mechanism for this needed safety valve.
Horn9497...I often based my personal life situations on the musings of Chris Rock...I mean this too. You said the exact same thing I was thinking. The "really", "you don't say", or "that ***** is crazy". Any of the above work really well and can be used in the spouse listening to a venting spouse situation.
I understand your situation, but dude, you can't really say (essentially) "I feel like I tried everything. I listened and offered advice and she didn't like it. So, then I pretended to pay attention and she didn't like that either. Oh, goodness gracious me. What else can I possibly do?" Don't want to repeat what other posters have said. But, I think it's a mistake to pretend that you tried what you thought she would like in the second circumstance. I mean, who would possible enjoy someone sitting there pretending to pay attention while probably dreaming about the horns having a 1,000 rusher? _____________________________________
Women value consensus over just about anything else - including truth. Just actively agree with her and you should be fine.
Sometimes when people are pissed about things, they just need to hear that they are right. I try really hard to find a middle ground or offer advice, but sometimes you realyl do just want to hear that the ***** is crazy. So... you know the first time your wife brings it up, she just wants to vent. Let her get it out of her system. Chances are it isn't a big deal, and she'll forget about it.
I have been married for 19 years....and this phrase....or some variation has worked wonders for the drama the OP describes: "<insert wife name here>......it sounds like this has really bothered you.....would you like a listening ear or would you like my thoughts on a solution?" 90% of the time the answer = listening ear "can you give me an overview of the issue....or hit the highlights?" blah blah blah blah blah (you are listening during this part) "how would YOU, <insert wife name>, like to see this matter resolved?" blah blah blah blah (you are listening here) "would that make this situation better for you? what can you do to help move it that direction" ta - da........works like a charm.
After 25 years of marriage, I think scottsins is dead on. She wants to vent, and she wants to make sure you are paying attention.
Thanks I have a clear action plan moving forward. My big problem is that I like to use humor to get over things, so when she vents about someone in particular...I have to resist the urge to say "we could kill them and bury them in the backyard." (Of course now...whenever she does this I am going to be thinking about Chris Rock..)
This is actually an issue for me, too, or it was. Basically, if you come to me with a problem or an issue, I launch into problem-solving mode. I start examining in terms of a cost/benefit analysis the probably payoffs and costs of any given course of action. I seem to be REALLY hardwired this way. But then I saw "White Men Can't Jump." There's some great dialogue in that movie, and some wisdom, too. I'm thinking of the "drink of water" scene in which Rosie Perez and Woodie Harrellson are fighting and he says something like "Baby, if you are thirsty, I will get you some water." And she replies, "Billy, when I tell you that I'm thirsty. I don't want you to get me a drink of water. I want you to sympathize with my thirstedness." Women want you to sympathize with their thirstedness.
I am good at handling this kind of thing, though if it involves her weight, I plead the need for bathroom time. I learned the hard way, though, as I used to say things like "Why did you do that? I would have done this' or, instead of saying 'That ***** is crazy,' I would say 'I can see her point, though I can see yours as well.' *****'s on lockdown after that. I then moved on to attempting to solve the issue, which only frustrated, and then I grew into interested silence, before realizing, with some help from friends, that the answer was, as noted above, consensus, shared moral outrage, commiseration, etc. These are easy things to feign once you realize that there is no real answer required. Still, on occasion, just for fun, I will say 'That was dumb, I would have done this. Problem solved.' Of course, I have to quickly make it known I am kidding or it's lockdown.
The trick is being able to say hmmm, I see, or that ***** must be crazy, while working the crossword puzzle or watching a football game. That's where real skill is involved.
Wait, I'm a woman and I would have loved the "we could always bury them in the backyard" answer. I guess, though, that it does need to come after careful listening to my venting. Maybe you're just using the humor too soon. Listen to the whole story. No, REALLY listen, then try the humor and hug.
^^^^^ Last night me and my girlfriend went to dinner. We were in the car and she was telling me she had a frustrating day. I asked what happened. She said she wanted to wait and tell me during dinner. I'm not sure what the proper response to that is but it's not "Ohhh goodie....."
Never ask if she is hormonal when she starts venting...I've learned that does not go over very well...
