Mass knife fight between all U.S. Presidents

Discussion in 'Quackenbush's' started by Hornius Emeritus, Sep 10, 2012.

  1. Hornius Emeritus

    Hornius Emeritus 2,500+ Posts

    One arena, the size of the Roman coliseum.

    Each U.S. president is given one Gerber LHR Combat knife.

    Death match with only one winner. Who comes out on top and why?

    Interesting speculation:

    The Link
  2. Horns11

    Horns11 5,000+ Posts

    The rules stipulate that it has to be when the President was at his peak physical condition while serving in office, so that would probably eliminate guys like George Washington because he had several long-term physical problems while he was POTUS.

    We'd have to assume that the father/son combos would team up together, which would enhance their livability longer than it would have been otherwise. I still don't think either Adams pair or Bush pair would be there in the end. Especially not the Adamses.

    I tend to side with the author... I think Roosevelt was still young enough and crazy enough to shank pretty much every other guy there. Jackson was too frail by the time he got out of office. The other young guys (Obama, Clinton, Kennedy) were either too awkward or plagued by back issues.

    Guys who were former soldiers (Monroe, Harrison sans pneumonia, Taylor, Lincoln, Grant, Eisenhower, Nixon, etc.) would probably have a little bit more cunning with the knife. Monroe is actually my dark horse... he was apparently a pretty good soldier.

    I wouldn't underestimate Reagan. Even after being shot, he still would have a pretty good reach.
  3. darius

    darius 500+ Posts

    The obligatory...Ditka. Or Chuck Norris.

    But apart from that, I'd have to go with Obama. The vast majority of the US Presidents are dead and thus will be hard-pressed to even hold a knife, much less put up much of a defense. Of the living presidents, I'd have to go with Obama, unless Bill is permitted to have Hillary fight on his behalf.
  4. Son of a Son

    Son of a Son 1,000+ Posts

    I'm gonna go with Lincoln. With his height, he had to have one hell of a wingspan. The other guys would have to try and get close.
  5. Coelacanth

    Coelacanth Guest


    And it wouldn't be close.
  6. SunBurntOrange

    SunBurntOrange 500+ Posts

    The question to keep in mind is not how well you kill, but how hard you die.

    Teddy Roosevelt hands down.
  7. Coelacanth

    Coelacanth Guest

    Jackson was a known killer long before he entered politics, and not just in military situations, but also in mano a mano combat and street fights.
  8. Larry T. Spider

    Larry T. Spider 1,000+ Posts

    Jackson. So much of what Teddy did was for publicity to overcome his weak image as he was a sickly child.
  9. The Eyes of Texas

    The Eyes of Texas 500+ Posts

    If Abe Lincoln can take out vampires, he can put down a few old men.
  10. Uninformed

    Uninformed 5,000+ Posts

    I think the guy in the wheelchair would win. No one would take out a cripple. OTOH, if someone would do it, it would be a politician.
  11. georgecostanza

    georgecostanza NBHorn7’s Protégé

    Grover Cleveland. Getting elected to two non-consecutive terms takes a lot of drive and guts.
  12. Crockett

    Crockett 5,000+ Posts

    George Washington survived combat situations where lesser men would have succumbed. He had great reflexes and was a formidible physical specimen. Jackson would be scary good, fearless and tactically skilled. He was strong, and more importantly he loved the fight. He might be the kind that would volunteer for this activity. Lincoln was long, lanky and strong which would serve him well, but he'd be a big target. Teamed with civil war vets and admirers Grant, Hays and Garfield, they would be natural allies. Nixon would be brave and cunning, but everyone who knew him would hate his guts and kill for pleasure.

    Gerald Ford was a terrific football player for Michigan, playing in the interior line, which may be good training for this. I expect he would not overreact to pain and would be skilled, strong and balanced.
  13. Texanne

    Texanne 5,000+ Posts

    I vote for Teddy Roosevelt.

    Bully bully bully.

    FAST FRED 500+ Posts

    ....between every American president, when each man was in his prime, who would win?

    The Link

    Interesting article.

    I think the final two, if they didn't get stabbed in the back too early in such a free for all format, would be Jackson and Lincoln.

    And Lincoln would ultimately win.

    He was a proven wrestler with great stamina and a long reach.

    Give him an ax and there would be no contest.

    Teddy Roosevelt was a scrapper, but he's too short to best Abe in a knife fight.

    Later, Honest Abe would write a moving speech or issue a proclamation about it, trying to honor the event and the fallen and bring everybody back together.


    Speculating further: If they all were on Survivor, in what order would they get voted off?

    My personal prediction for last man standing on the island: George Washington.

    He was an excellent strategist, who could play with the hand he was dealt, and was very opportunistic: George was patient and great at winning when things were tough, even when the odds were decidedly against him.

    Dwight Eisenhower, a proven leader, would probably manage the strategic ins and outs and, in his prime, he'd also do well at the physical challenges of Survivor.


    And, if they all were on The Dating Game, in what order would they be chosen?

    My predicted winner: Bill Clinton over Warren G. Harding.

    They were lovers rather than fighters.

    LBJ was a p*ssy hound, but he loses out in the pre-show qualifying because of his looks, and JFK would be a very strong contestant, if he could lower his lofty standards and procure for himself.

  15. BigWill

    BigWill 2,500+ Posts

    Obama's a basketball player...a pretty decent one, by all accounts. I would think that those skills would be useful in such combat.

    Of course, as noted above, quite a few guys have combat experience, and one would assume that they would have the edge.
  16. UTChE96

    UTChE96 2,500+ Posts

    Teddy no doubt!
  17. Golden Steer

    Golden Steer 250+ Posts

    Actually, throwing a ball into a hoop has about zero to do with winning a knife fight, which consists of driving a piece of steel into another mans body until he bleeds to death.

    I can't think of a less likey canidate to win a knife fight than Obama. Maybe FDR, if he was in the wheelchair.

    Jackson would be the winner. Not only had he killed people before, as had other presidents, but Jackson had a mean streak in him that Washtington or Grant did not have. You have to have a mean streak to bleed someone to death.
  18. Statalyzer

    Statalyzer 10,000+ Posts

    But general fitness is still useful.

    I do think Andrew Jackson should be the favorite.
  19. TahoeHorn

    TahoeHorn 1,000+ Posts

    Gerald Ford was easily the best athlete of the Presidents. He was an all-American lineman at Michigan. He wouldn't kill as many as other top contenders but in a head up fight he'd fight for his life and I'd bet on him.
  20. elface

    elface 250+ Posts

  21. LonghornCatholic

    LonghornCatholic Romantic Catholic

    Who was the drunk? That's where my money is.
  22. majorwhiteapples

    majorwhiteapples 5,000+ Posts

    I would have to go with Gerald Ford.

    Reagan was a stout young man that would have done well at Survivor and the Dating Game.

    I wouldn't count out Bush 41 in either the Knife fight or Survivor, the guy ran the CIA and was an ambassador to China when the doors opened up.

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