Okay, I know that people have commented on this before. I am up very early studying and Sweet 16 MTV show is on. the father bought the girl aa $100,000.00 Mercedes. The daughter is a SPOILED BRAT and obviosly doen't deserve such a fine automobile. A ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLAR MERCEDES. I am only buying my kids that is they are planning on LIVING in it. Which brings up this question: I am a spoiled Daddy's girl. I am not, nor have a ever been a brat. I worked hard to reap the wonderful things I wanted growing up. I made straight A's, even in college. I was in all kinds of extracurriculars stuff (no, MAC wasn't considered "extracurricular")... Through college, med school, and even now...I pretty much get what I ask for if it is followed by a "PLEEEASE Daddy?" (Baby Macs just have to say some form of "luv you" and another package from Nana and Papa comes......Baby M knows the UPS Man.) However, I didn't get a NEW car until I was in Medical School . (yes,. I was already married to Mac., but he has the new car they bought him when we moved to Seattle, even if it is a bling Minivan.) The first car I drove (and I drove it for 8 looooong years) was a 1980's metalic blue Firebird with the $, yes FOUR cylinder Firebird...the worst care EVER!!!!! But here is my real point, I guess. My girls are a little spoiled by Mac and I. They get new books every time we go to the book store. They get something new from Nana and Papa at least 1 time a week. Our three year old will pout every once and a while, but she is a very sweet, usually helpful doll who gives hugs and kisses and says, "love you, Mommy or Daddy" on her own at least once an hour. She is not destructive or mean and generally has her sister's interest at heart. Its kind of a "no one can mess with my little sister, Except for me" things. The littlest Baby M is a hoot! She has a giggle that melts your heart and is also full of hugs and kisses. She climbs ANYTHING and has no fear! Even a guy watching his kids at the playground made a comment after about 2 minutes " that one is fearless". She is. I truly believe in the rewards system. As long as the girls behave, work hard in school, and don't talk back, hit, etc. they don't have to work a job, etc. If they are kind, don't talk back, etc. I will spend a reasonable amount of money to please them. the girls have piggy banks now and frequently deposit money, saving to buy a treat, too. My parents will NEVER stop spoiling them until they die, so it is pointless to try to tell my parents to cut back. as long as my Mom, Nana, can get to the Mall.....the UPS man will come once a week. So what do you think? Am I already set them up for disaster. I really feel that if they do well in school, I will not require them to work (I always wondered about working a job as a form of punishment (until maybe college). If they can't get A's without working a job, why would taking more time away from school to work help?? They will always be our girls and if they are 30 and need help from us (money, support, whatever) we will always be there. There is nothing they could do that would cause me not to love them and help them. Like my Mom was, I will always always be there for them and they can tell me anything. I am a parent, not their best friend, and they may not like what I have to say about their problem, but I will do my best to help and my love would never go away. I firmly (and still do) feel that I could tell my Mom and Dad the truth about anything and though they might be disappointed in me, they would still love me. What is your parenting strategy? Do you spoil your kids? Am I asking for trouble? I turned out okay. Each kid is different. One of my girls might thrive on the be a good person, you will get most of what you want. The other may care less if we take away a reward....who knows? But if my kid ever pouts or whines because I will not buy her a $100,000.00 Mercedes or a pair of $200.00 jeans...game over, wear your Gloria Vanderbelts.....I firmly believe you should not live outside you financial means and buy your kids stuff you can't afford. But, if you can afford things, and your kids are well behaved, loving, and kind..then .go for it. IF it is a reasonable amount of money. The reason Mac stays home with the girls and has the most challenging and rewarding job, is because we love them so much. Hopefully, they will understand one day, that though Mac could have another job and we could have more money, but that wasn't important to us. They are worth so much more to us than cash or a bigger house, etc. Sorry for the long post, but I question my parenting style and philosophy every day. I just want the girls to have the best with good morals, smart and sweet minds, feel loved and values, etc. I will certainly be their parent and leave Nana and Papa to do most of the spoiling for now. But as they grow....one hint of the greedy Sweet Sixteen girl.....the "bling" will be tossed in the trash.....
I think an important question is how do they react when they don't get what they want. Can they handle being told no, or do they pout/throw a fit? Now they are children, so some pouting is to be expected. Another thing is how do you react to their pouting after being told no. Do you stand your ground, or do you occasionally give in to appease them?
If your kids want a $100,000 car, their problems have nothing to do with being given too many things. Rather, they have no grasp of which things matter in life. It's easy to drop 100 grand on a kid, and it's not wrong to do so, but a smart child will want $100,000 worth of education rather than a car that depreciates at 10% a year (Daimler makes damn good cars). It is my opinion that you should raise your kids so that they want the correct things and see through the foolish ones.
Sometimes I wonder if being spoiled, to a degree, isn't a factor that actually increases the chances that child will have a successful life. To get what you want, including success, you have to believe that it is attainable. Generous parents foster the belief in their kids that good things are attainable. Many of my law school peers, a fairly successful sample group, were spoiled. My younger brother was the most spoiled in my family and he's the most successful - this is b/c he believes he can achieve exactly what he wants. I think that people that believe that the world is a friendly place ready to reward them often actually live in such a world. Of course, a parent can go overboard and create a blood sucking leech immune not only to work but also reality. This would seem to be an extreme, however.
First of all, IMO a kid who @ 16 years old (& especially one that is on an MTV 'reality show' which is what I will assume this show is... haven't seen it)... a girl @ this age who gets a $ 100K car is being set up to be the next Paris Hilton. Their perception of reality is totally ****** up. "Gee, daddy... why are those people taking the bus? Is their [gasp]BMW[/gasp] in the shop?" I think the important thing is to set up a reasonable series of expectations. It's just like in a job, you are (generically) expected to show up on time / work well with others / perform to the best of your contributing abilities / turn in a beneficial product, etc. If you are consistently screwing up any of these then you'll end up out of a job. If you can raise your kids with the reasonable expectation that their job is to do all the things you require of them & the reward is of equal stature, then you're on the way to success (& more importantly, your KIDS are on their way to success). ...However... This brings up the question of "what is 'reasonable'?" Is this measureable by the parents abilities to provide? Bill Gates can obviouly shell out 1K for a wrist watch for his kids, but even though it works just as relably as a $ 25.00 Timex, does the kid understand the difference between bling & functionality? Does an 8 year old who is trying to learn how to tell time gain any benefit with a Breitling vs. a Timex? I guess the hard to define answer is how to make your kids understand that "giving them everything" means giving them the TOOLS to become a successful, contributing member of society vs. someone who takes, takes, takes.
Perhaps the 100k Merc is totally reasonable based on the income level of the family. IT is all relative. That does not mean the kid is not a freaking little *****, but the 100k car to them may be the same as a 15k car to someone else. I won't ding the old man or make judegement on that. If his kid is a solid individual who stays out of trouble and appreciates her fortunate lot in life who cares.
I watched that show once. The girl kicked some people out of her party because she thought they looked better than her and took eyes off of her. Tactics like that would make her a good dictator for a third world country, which her dad probably makes more than the GDP of...
A boss of mine had a system I plan on following when my kids are teens. Starting around 13yo he and his wife gave the kids a set amount for their clothing, which wasn't quite enough, and then matched every dollar they earned and spent on clothes with 2 dollars more. When they got to driving age they could use the car but had to pay for their insurance and gas.
Price tag, amount of stuff, isn't what really matters. Are the kids developing a sense of entitlement? If they are (or more accurately, if it's more of a sense than is reasonable and acceptable, as ALL humans have some innate sense of entitlement), then you have an issue. If they are generally grateful for what they get, and exercise good manners about it (please, thank you, etc.), then you're okay. I always think of a college buddy of mine. Came from a VERY well-off family, but drove a crappy 1986 Ford Escort. And was happy to have a car. When he graduated college, his folks surprised him with a new Toyotoa Four Runner. He was SO surprised and grateful, he teared up, and thanked his parents profusely. It was a nicer car than I had ever had, even nicer than what my parents had, but I didn't begrudge him that gift one bit. His parents had the means to give it to him, and he had the character to appreciate the gift and to understand how meaningful it was. Whether it's a 1986 Ford Escort or a 100k Mercedes, you're a spoiled brat if you expect it and think it's your right. Whether it's a 1986 Ford Escort or a 100k Mercedes (well, okay, I do think that's a bit extravagant for ANY car), you're not a spoiled brat if you appreciate the gift and how meaningful it is. The brat part doesn't come from the goodies -- it comes from how the kid is taught to think of the goodies . . . says the guy who has two young kids who are probably over-indulged, and for whom he is having to emphasize appreciating what we have, etc.
I think you can be spoiled, but not a brat. Like other have said, it's not the actual being spoiled that ruins kids, it's how they handle being given stuff from parents/ grandparents, etc. Mrs. Mac, you seem to have done it right--sure, you got what you wanted, but you worked where you could and definitely seem like you appreciate everything you've been given. plus, there were some areas where you were held back (car) so it wasn't like never knew what it was like to try and earn something. I feel the same way--growing up, i never felt like my family was rich. We cut coupons, shopped at marshall's, didn't wear name-brand clothing for the most part, etc. Looking back, i realize i never wanted for anything. i got to play the piano, guitar, any sport i wanted... i mean, my parents made sure that if i wanted to do something, i had the tools to do it. in hindsight, i was probably an expensive kid. Now that i'm on my own, i think about how my parents raised me in awe. they did an awesome job. Sure, they let me appreciate things, but i never got it in my head that i was "owed" anything. i got a car when i was 16--my dad's 10 year old saab. i thought it was the coolest thing ever, and paid for my own gas. I guess what i'm trying to say is that as long as your kids understand the value of things (not only in your family but to others all over the world) it doesn't matter if you spoil them. Your kids will start making the right decisions. If that kid on Super Sweet 16 gets a bentley and then tells her dad "thank you so much, i love you and promise to be responsible with such a generous gift", then props to the dad. we're all spoiled in our own little way, so i won't judge. when it's time for me to be a parent, i expect to have all kinds of disagreements with my wife. our strategy hasn't been established, but i will definitely be the "cheap" one, ruining my children by not letting them wear $200 jeans.
You can be spoiled but not a brat. I grew up not rich but my undergraduate was taken care of and was given a Grand Cherokee that lasted me through college. All I was asked to do in return was graduate in 4 years and get a job. Teach your kids the value of a dollar and teach them that someone had to work for that dollar because it wasn't free.
Most people know the price of everything and the value of nothing. We are so blessed in this country.
I have a stepson and we're planning on having another within a year or so. I don't give an allowance. I let my stepson earn money by getting A's in school. $25 per A. I take away $25 for C's or lower. He now understands that financial rewards come with success. He understands the value of money; and that in the US you have to work to get money. This was demonstrated when we went shoe shopping before his 3rd grade year. We were at Foot Locker and there were hordes of kids buying multiple pairs of shoes. He found one he liked and looked at the price tag. It was $80. He turned to us and said, "this place is too expensive." He earns and saves money for stuff he wants to buy. I never buy him stuff at the store. He's responsible for planning his purchases and bringing his money when we go shopping. I don't let the g-parents undermine my philosophy. I've ripped into my Dad for one occurrence. He knows better now. It's trickier to control his biological grandparents since I'm the stepparent. However, my stepson knows my philosophy. He's been saving for a nano for several months. One of the biological g-parents offerred to buy him a nano for x-mas. My stepson told them "thanks, but no thanks; it would disappoint his mom and soonerinatlanta". Damn, he's a good kid.
I think the reward system is alright but I think it can be dangerous in that I don't think there should be a direct correlation between good deeds and good treats. I remember my mom used to give us treats out of the blue (coolest ever was a trip to Six Flags on a completely random day in May, f'n blew my mind) and she would just say it was for being a good kid. Other times it was just a "No. Why? Because I said so." I asked her about this a couple of years ago and I think the reason my mom and dad raised us this way was to let us know that you don't behave or follow the rules because it wins you favor, rather you do it for no other reason than it is the right thing to do. Likewise they didn't give us gifts because we did good on something or behaved well but rather because we were their children and they loved us very much and wanted to treat us. I thought it was effective in that at the very least we knew we were unconditionally loved and that rules were to be followed and elders were to be respected because it was the right thing to do.
If your kids still love you when they're 10, you did a good job as a parent... If your kids can stand being in the same room as you when they're 16, you did a crappy job as a parent... If your kids brag about what a great parent you were when they're 21, you did a good job as a parent...
