Think about it. College Gameday is in town. It's a night game on a regional broadcast on ABC (Regional is better than national anyway, they don't want to recruit any of those damn hippies from the coasts). They finally sold out the biggest home game of the season a little more than 72 hours before kickoff. It's a Moron Out game (they are undefeated in Moron Out games.... except last year when they played UT, but that was a huge moral victory, so we'll let them continue to think that their shirts have an effect on the game). What would absolutely put this weekend's game into the nut-squeezin' category before the game even kicked off? You know the answer as well as I do: their super-secret, giant, inflatable aggy helmet for the team to enter through. I can see it now. Mothratron starts showing highlights of their 1939 MNC, followed by the Heisman highlight reel of John David Crow from the 50s, and it closes with a close up of the last aggy team to finish the season in the Top 5, the mighty 1956 squad. The sepia tones fade into color of this season's highlights... The goal-line stand against the Mighty Army Black Knights, the come from behind win against the 3-6 Kansas Manginos, the overtime win against the unstoppable Okie State Cowpokes, and of course their huge win last weekend against their bitter rivals just up the Brazos. Smoke starts to billow from the inflatable facemask. The crowd starts to sway and chant about sawing varsity's horns off (even though they are playing OU). Bob Davie starts speaking in tongues on the air as he seized by the Spirit of aggyland! From the smoke emerges Reveille, who stands there like the ***** she is, snapping at her handlers and wondering who she has to bite to be put down. She finally starts walking to the field to relieve herself, in the process she leads the FIGHTIN' OLD ARMY TEXAS AGGIES FROM TEXAS A AND M onto the sacred grass of Kyle Field Quasi-Memorial (Maybe? Who cares, uncover damnit) Tacklebox and ZONE!!! The crowd goes nuts. Little Debbies rain down from the stands to give their coach the glucose he needs to prove he is a better gameday coach than Visor Boy. Johnny Moxon, er, Stephen McGee recovers from last weeks concussions in time to remember he no longer has Jordan Shipley to throw to and realize he's in for at least 2 more concussions this week. Tellus starts yelling "Holla!" at no one in particular. Javorski Lane eats a football. Tate Pittman is asking the trainers on the sidelines if they can help him with this (is he even still on the team? If he's not, just imagine he's on the sidelines anyway). And the horses from the Parsons Mounted Cav are shitting everywhere because they are so excited. OU takes the field to hisses (not boos, only classless fehgs do that), the 12th man farts in their general direction, and the ribbonboards start flashing seizure-inducing japanese ads. Would anything else scream college football more than that? Make it happen Dollar Bill. Bust out the inflatable helmet!
A beautiful description of the perversion that is gameday at College Station. You forgot to mention, though, that when the players take the field, the students and fans will uncover, get off the wood, and hump it. And they will squeeze when necessary.
That's flippin brilliant!!! With any luck for those of us on the "outside", that helmet will be making its appearence. The entertainment value of College Station is priceless....
When we play in Austin on T+1, I'd like to sit next to an aggy. So I can squeeze his nuts for him. That would sit well with me. Very well.
This vision of new by God army's football team coming out onto the sacred field of battle... through the *** end of a sheep as smoke shooting out the anus cavity announces their arrival to the adoring mass of great unwashed. This could be gold to a skilled farker.
