UPDATE: I'm 36 and I just found out who my dad is

Discussion in 'Quackenbush's' started by ctrl+alt+del, Dec 28, 2006.

  1. ctrl+alt+del

    ctrl+alt+del 500+ Posts

    That's right. My mom calls today crying, telling me she made this horrible mistake 36 years ago. She goes on to tell me she withheld this information from me because of how she thinks Mrs. Reboot would think of her, which is crazy because my wife is about as grounded as it gets. Anyway, mom goes on to tell me how she was with this fella a couple times before she married my little brother's biological father, who I always knew wasn't my real dad even though he was under the impression he was. My mom divorced his abusive, freeloading *** in Ohio when I was 9 and married my stepfather when I was 13 in Oklahoma. I have always referred to my stepdad as my father and that will never change. He has no idea about all this. Yet. Turns out, Mrs. Reboot sent some commemorative photobook with a couple of photos of our 1 year-old to my mom back on Mother's Day and it included a fill-in-the-blank family tree and that became too much to bear for her. She knew my real dad could have been one of 2 men, so she hired a private investigator to try and figure it out. He went and got some telescopic close-ups of him and that was all that was necessary. It turns out my real dad is a farmer in northwest Ohio where I lived until I was 10. That's right. Dude is all weathered like Jack Palance in City Slickers and knows nothing about me. Mom says that by looking at the photos(which are being overnighted to me tomorrow), there is no possible way I am not his son and that my personality had become so much like the person she knew as my dad that she couldn't take it anymore. Apparently, she knew the other guy in question wasn't my dad, but wanted the photos just for closure.

    So now what? What do I do? Nothing is not an option. I know my dad's address, I know his phone number. He has a son (me), a 21-year old son who I do not know, and a grandson (my son). I would like to meet him face-to-face, and I am quite prepared for him to tell me to go to hell. Do I write? Do I show up at his farm? I am shocked, to say the least, but I am also intrigued to know my biological father. I have always felt there was something missing in my life, maybe this is it. Mom says he was the nicest guy ever, wouldn't hurt a fly. I would ask what y'all have done, but I cannot imagine many folks being in this situation.
  2. West Coast Horn

    West Coast Horn 25+ Posts

    If there aren't many responses to this thread it's because there is no possible way I , or many others, could offer any worthwhile advice for a situation this unique. Good luck, whatever course you choose to follow.
  3. Hornius Emeritus

    Hornius Emeritus 2,500+ Posts

    Show up and say "you're the sonuvabitch who named me Sue!"

    Seriously, what a mind blowing trip that is. I'd show up at his farm, unannounced, with a six pack and a bottle of whiskey and say "who do I look like?"
  4. ctrl+alt+del

    ctrl+alt+del 500+ Posts

    "Hey dad!"

    That would be funny if you could see his pics and what I look like.
  5. zzzz

    zzzz 2,500+ Posts

    I take it your mother gave you all this information. What does she expect or want you to do?

    If he has a son, presumably he has a family. So whatever you do should be handled delicately.
  6. ctrl+alt+del

    ctrl+alt+del 500+ Posts

    He has a wife to whom he has been married for 21 years and a son 21 years old. I would love to have the opportunity to get to know them without being obtrusive. I feel like I'm on an episode of "Brothers and Sisters, Ohio Stylee"

    Mom has left it up to me as to how I wish to proceed. Mrs. Reboot and I are discussing it, but ultimately, it is up to me. I wish I could show up when he was there alone because I don't want to pull this in front of his family. That ain't cool.

    This is a stab in the dark, but I am quite sure they're Buckeye fans. I should show up on January 8th at kickoff.
  7. He does not know you exist so his wife should not have a problem with this as he did not know. It is not like you want to mooch anything from him or want anything from him but to know him. I think he will be elated to see you and know of you. It will be just as weird for them though.

    The end result of this can be grand. You sitting on a porch sometime eating burgers he will think are the greatest ever. But it will be a slow process.

    I really cannot think of the best way to approach him. Find out if he has an attorney somehow and speak to him. Basically find somebody as a mediator for insight and explain to them why you want them to suggest the best way.

    It sounds weird but maybe hire a PI yourself to scope it out and find out who that contact may be. Wow, CAD, wow.
  8. lauren 1996

    lauren 1996 25+ Posts

    My husbands’ father has made several unsuccessful attempts to initiate a relationship with him. The last attempt he made was in November of last year. I received a call from a woman claiming to be Jackie’s aunt asking for his telephone number. I denied her request but did give her his e-mail address. To my knowledge he has never returned her emails. He wants nothing to do with his biological father and I would expect unpleasant results should he ever try and force the issue.

    I don’t know, reboot. The only thing I can say for sure is you should take care and proceed with caution. I think a letter would be the appropriate opening. Tell him about you and your family. Allow him time and allow him and his family a choice. And be prepared for that choice, whatever it might be. Obviously this news will affect more than a few lives forever. It’s a sucky situation for both you and him. I wish you luck.
  9. ctrl+alt+del

    ctrl+alt+del 500+ Posts

    Well, I can honestly say that whatever happens, I shall update HornFans, that's a given.
  10. Doug E. Fresh

    Doug E. Fresh 25+ Posts

    You might want to consider speaking to an attorney before pursuing this. I have had family in similar situations where the parent (my relative) was contacted by the child. They both sought the advice from outside counsel in the process.
  11. ctrl+alt+del

    ctrl+alt+del 500+ Posts

    Am I going to get sued for approaching this man? I don't need that.
  12. HoosierHorn

    HoosierHorn 500+ Posts

    Task Manager...
    Call your biological father. Tell him who you are (your mom's son) and that you believe he might be your biological father, so you'd like to meet him and perhaps have him meet your grandson. You might want to explain you have no ill will or hard feelings (unless you do) and that you just want to meet the person your mom says you look and act like.

    and then see what he says (or doesn't say).

    it's pretty straight forward. He'll either want to meet you or not...

    on another note, i hope your mom doesn't think of you as ahorrible mistake, but rather, the not finding out who your dad was for certain.

    good luck!
  13. Punt on 1st Down

    Punt on 1st Down 100+ Posts

    I wouldn't think you would be sued but, as other posters have said, talking to an attorney and/or finding a mediator are good ideas just to make sure. I like the idea of explaining that you have no ill and that you would just like to meet him as said. However, I'm not a big fan of the telephone call out of the blue. If he owns a farm he may be busy or he may be spending time with his current family. It would be kind of a shock.

    I'm not recommending my suggestion as the best course of action but if you have his mailing address maybe you could put together a collection of photographs of you, your wife, your son, and maybe one of your mother if you have one when she was younger.

    Then, write a very brief note, certainly no longer than a page, and shorter would be better explaining -- a desire to meet, that there's no ill will, you're not looking for a long term commitment, that you don't want to interfere in his life, or whatever your intentions are.

    The problem with sending photos is that their family might have an open policy about opening letters and you don't want another family member opening the mail, thus a mediator might be better than that or a cold call during dinner or work.

    Edit: I'm not suggesting that an attorney make first contact but just that you might talk to one just in case there are things like inheritance issues or whatever.
  14. ut2010

    ut2010 25+ Posts

    You should show up on April 1st and say, "You didn't think you had another son did you? April Fools!"
  15. hullabelew

    hullabelew 1,000+ Posts

    It is worth knowing him, if nothing more than for his medical history, if he is in fact you biological father. My wife was adopted and when she was pregnant she got frustrated by not being able to answer any medical history questions.

    Long story, but we found her birthmother and it has been the greatest thing. My wife's birthmother was one of 8 girls in her family. After meeting Mrs. Hulla, she sent out a letter to all of her sisters and their families, telling them about my wife. Without going in to the details, it has been a wonderful experience for us.

    Still, knowing your medical history for both you and your son is worth most any potential hurt feelings or personal discomfort on anyone's part. That is the way we approached it and once her birthmother realized we didn't want anything from her, she felt at ease and her entire family welcomed us in.
  16. DigglerontheHoof

    DigglerontheHoof 1,000+ Posts

    I guess I can understand those that say consult an attorney (Jesus...can't these guys stay out of ANYTHING? [​IMG] )

    However, personally, if the first contact I had from my long lost, unrealized son was from an attorney, my spidey senses would go off like a roman candle.

    I would think a low key introduction by phone would be the best approach.

    Eh...what do I know.

    Good luck...I hope whatever you decide works out for you and brings contentment to you and your family.
  17. campwillben

    campwillben 100+ Posts

    I only know you through your posts and that blue-cheese burger thingie that I've cooked up a couple of times, but you seem well grounded as well. I'm sure whatever choice you make will be the right one.

    Best of luck to you.
  18. Texoz

    Texoz 1,000+ Posts

    I went digging into the family tree closet back in 1999 and ended up with a revelation as well. Not quite the megaton explosion you had, but definitely a "boom goes the dynamite" experience.

    Let that be a warning to anyone who wants to research the past. That's not to discourage it. You'll find out some great stuff, and if you have kids it's a great thing to pass on to them. Even if you're single with no family, it's always better to understand the past to help guide your future.

    Just brace yourself for "interesting" news that you'll discover and may have to deal with.

    Good luck, ctrl+alt+del.
  19. Mike_Tyson

    Mike_Tyson 500+ Posts

    "Man, do you owe in back child support!" This should break the ice! I like the idea of showing up at kickoff, it would really start off on the right foot. I think the letter idea is best but it does involve a lot of patience because it might take him a while to digest this and get back to you because you will have shaken his world. I would send the letter with one of those sender receipts attached so you know he got it. You said that you want him to be able to keep this on the DL if he wanted to do so; the letter would not do this because his wife or son might pick up the mail. He will need time to take this in so a phone call might put him in a position to think too hastily or he'll think he's been messed with. Showing up unannounced would do the same thing but probably to an even greater level. The letter gets your thoughts and feelings out there and gives him time to think about this privately. It's probably your best bet. I feel your positivism through your post, your dad will feel it through your letter or in your voice whichever method you choose.
  20. idigTexas

    idigTexas 1,000+ Posts

    One word (and it's a word that really creeps me out): Oprah. If not Oprah, find some other talk show or news program to make all the arrangements. They love this kind of thing.
  21. K-Man

    K-Man 250+ Posts

    Wow if your father is an OSU guy you have connections to a bunch of football success lately.

    I would make sure he has the option of being alone when you approach/talk to him. Imagine him hearing this on the phone while his 21-year wife and kid are right there next to him.

    Maybe you could send an innocuous letter asking him to call you when he can discuss something "private from his past", but not as cheesy as that sounded....
  22. wolfman

    wolfman 1,000+ Posts

    I thnk just meeting him is the best thing. Maybe find a away to meet approach him when his family is not around in case they have issues adjusting to the idea of him having another son. Your Mom said that he was a good guy, I would expect that he would welcome you. Think about the things that you want to talk about in advance then just be open and honest with him. Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.
  23. Mrmyke709

    Mrmyke709 1,000+ Posts

    I would write first. It's too intense a situation to just call someone up and drop that on them.
    Writing would give him a chance to mull the situation over and perhaps open the way for future meetings. It would be easy enough to find a mailing address.
    And than you could go bond by bringing in the herd and then go find that lost gold.
  24. GatorHorn

    GatorHorn 250+ Posts

    I agree that there is no one-size fits all response or advice for something like this but in reading the tone of your post, it seems that you have a natural curiosity, and the only question in my mind is not IF you seek your biological dad out but how and when. So I would more concentrate on the how and not the if.

    Of course, Reboot, in jest, your quote here:

  25. 12thStudStan

    12thStudStan 250+ Posts

    I have uneasy feelings about the attorney mediator approach as well. I can't really imagine having my attorney approach me about something like this because my attorney is my father, but I think I might be very suspicious of the intent if I were approached in this manner. Plus, you know something about your father and his character from your mom's descriptions, but you don't know anything about his attorney. I'm thinking that the tough but kind farmer type might appreciate and have greater respect for a discrete yet direct approach. Outside of that whole USC thing, I can't think why he wouldn't want to get to know the reboot we all have come to know a little through the board.

    "My mom calls today crying, telling me she made this horrible mistake 36 years ago."

    I don't know if those were her words or yours, but whatever events and decisions made that led to your existence they were certainly not a mistake.
  26. baboso

    baboso 250+ Posts

    Show up at the farm, say Hi Dad, turn to his other son and say have you ever heard of primogeniture, boy? Get the hell off of MY farm.
  27. chuychanga

    chuychanga 500+ Posts

    I would take your time on this, out of respect for your step-father. You said that he knows you'll always think of him as your Dad but actions speak louder than words. How will he feel when he knows you got this news and immediately rushed out to find the guy?

    I'm not saying not to contact the man, but personally I'd sit on it for at least a few months.

    I'm curious about the 21 year old half brother. Do you look anything like AJ Hawk?
  28. Hayden_Horn

    Hayden_Horn 1,000+ Posts

    baboso made me laugh.

    on a serious note, i think a letter with your contact information is probably the best. maybe even a picture of you and your family. but to just show up out of the blue...well, i don't know about that. let him get used to the idea too.

    also, please don't consult an attorney. good lord. could you imagine?
  29. Hellraiser97

    Hellraiser97 500+ Posts

    If you are going to send a letter, I would send one that is at least certified and probably return receipt requested. That way if he tears it up and wants nothing to do with you, you are least know that he got the letter and you aren't left wondering if it was every received.
  30. Montag

    Montag 250+ Posts

    I bet he tells you, and quite vehemently at that, that LSU won the 2003 MNC. I mean, what the worst he could say?

    Seriously CAD, good luck with that. Another vote here for letter or something since a phone call would be a little bit of a shock and a vote against attorney involvement. But whatever, it's your call and your life.

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